It's All About Perspective

This One is Long Overdue

2011-09-25T18:30:00.001-06:00

When I first started writing this blog a few years ago it was mostly meant to be a status update for my family and friends that wanted to keep comprised of the ever-changing condition of my health. Over time it began to serve as one of a few personal journals where I could find refuge from the daily fight and banality of chronic sickness coupled with emotional and physical pain. As I continued writing I quickly learned of the catharsis that putting your feelings on paper (so to speak) often brings. Being able to voice, or at least attempt to voice, what I feel inside has become a big part of my recovery.

As I became swept away in the process of dealing with my condition in the physical realm while also trying to put into words what was going on inside of my head, I inadvertently became even more selfish that I was before I became sick (and I consider myself having been a fairly self-consumed individual). Narcissism, in all its forms, unfortunately always leaves the people around you overlooked and unappreciated. Regrettably, such has been the case with my wife Stephanie over the last six-plus years.

The saddest part about this is that it's something that I barely even recognized. I have been so absorbed in dealing with my health issues that I wasn't even aware that I was neglecting her, to whatever degree that may have been. That's a tricky thing about being sick that people fail to mention- often times it's nearly impossible to wrap your head around anything other than your sickness/soreness when you are in its grasps. I think that this has been the case with my discounting Steph.

So here I am over six years later at the very least acknowledging this fact and making an effort to amend my ways.

For those of you that haven't yet had the genuine pleasure of knowing Steph, allow me to make mention of just a few of her endless qualities. For those that already know her, none of this will surprise you.

First off, any spouse that sticks with their significant other through sickness or suffering is a unique individual. The stresses that come with chronic suffering are beyond measure. Of course there are the things that most people would recognize such as having to serve as a pseudo-shrink/counselor/nursemaid and never before experienced financial burdens, but there are so many other responsibilities that it would be impossible and boorish for me to list. The often-used adage "life turned upside down" certainly applies in these instances. Not only was the way that we were living before forever changed, but so to was our priorities, goals and dreams. Think about that for a moment- if everything that you had hoped for and planned for instantly became irrelevant, how easily would that be accepted? Not only did Steph pay no mind to a drastic change in our life-script, but she has done so with a smile on her face and a radiance in her presence. Anyone that knows her knows this.

People that are just meeting her often pull me aside and ask if it is fake, like a front that she puts on for people to hide her true feelings. I can assure you, that is the farthest thing from the truth. As with most people there are bad days, but Steph deals with all of them with such an astonishing degree of dignity and contentment, never losing her cheerful countenance and appreciation for life. She is the person that picks me up when I am down and reminds me of how blessed we are to still have moments together. Without Steph and her incalculable strength (of which she never gives herself enough credit for) I have no doubt that I would not have survived as long as I have. Regardless of how dire the situation, her loyalty and support never waver. I cannot think of any other person that would have stuck with me through all that she has. For all of the reasons that I have listed above, and countless others that I hold dear, I will always be in her debt.

So let this serve as a small "thank you" to my beautiful and amazing wife Stephanie Lynn Reynolds. She is one of the principal reasons that I love my life despite its numerous challenges. I love you Steph :)

Just Another Post-Surgery Success is All ;)

2011-09-11T13:29:00.009-06:00

(Just goes to show that there are Cougar fans everywhere. This is one of my favorite pictures. Really wish that they would have pulled out the win yesterday:( )

Hey there my few and totally appreciated devoted followers :)Just thought that I'd fill you all in on my recent status.

A week ago last Thursday, after spending the previous week getting bruised and somewhat beaten at the hospital infusion room on a daily basis because I literally have no more vein access for IV's following six-plus years of them being tortured and abused, I had surgery to implant my fifth and hopefully final port. Those that have been following my case since the beginning know that this is both good and bad news. The good news is of course obvious, no more needle sticks and much quicker access in case of tests and/or surgeries. The bad news is a bit more complicated.

As a refresher for those that have forgotten or are newer to my case, I currently have a 4-6 inch Dacron graft holding my aorta together that was implanted when my aorta was accidentally severed in 2005. At this point in my recovery process, the graft is entirely endothelialized (forgive spelling) which basically means that it is all scarred-in. This is also both good and bad- the good being it slightly lessens the risk of it getting infected, and the bad being that if it were to get infected it would be nearly impossible to replace. So as you can see, there are a wide range of emotions currently filling the Reynolds household.

I am sad to say that both of our not-so-little-anymore Jack Russell Terriers Junior and Jessie (whom my mom was so wonderful to take care of this last week) have contracted a salmonella-like bacteria that has given them an enormous amount of grief. After multiple Doctor's visits to THE BEST veterinary clinic in the state (Central Valley Animal Hospital off of 33rd and State for those interested- they are genuinely incredibly skilled and compassionate people)they are both battling through with dignity and starting to do better. Even more sad for me, the dogs and I have to remain apart for the time being because of our existing health-related issues. I can't speak for either of them, but I know that not seeing them as much will lengthen my recovery. I just hope that they get feeling better soon.

So back to the surgery. It was a huge success and I was back at home laying in my own bed within hours of the procedure. The following day Steph and I drove up to Park City to spend the week recovering and to celebrate her birthday. We used a gift from my awesome mom which was a one-week long stay at the Mountainside Marriott Vacation Club (thanks again mom :)). Words cannot express what a needed get-away this was for both of us. Thanks to my fabulous Doctors, Nurses, and IMC Infusion staff (particularly my pharmacist friend Dave and Nurse Leslie) I was able to spend the first five days outside and moving around for a good portion of each day. The hotel staff was incredibly good to us, as were the many people that we met in and around the hotel. On Thursday night I was up vomiting the entire night, which led to me spending all of Friday and Saturday in bed sick and sore, but overall it was a wonderful week. Besides the relaxing nature of the trip and the perfect weather, my favorite time was of course spent with Steph. We had a relatively small birthday celebration by most of our friend's standards, but it wasn't one bit less loved and appreciated. If I could give the world to my beautiful and loyal wife I would, but I am certain that she would give away most of it to needier people (except for anything with Sephora on it). More than anything, Steph and I are grateful for the time that we get to spend together because realistically, we weren't even supposed to celebrate her birthday together at any point during the past 6 years.

The thing that people unfortunately fail to remember in our fast-paced, overindulged, get-ahead, often-bored, keeping-up-with-the-Joneses culture is that we are all living in a world where an instant can change your focus and most assuredly your life. Most everyone effortlessly bears in mind that truth today, being the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, but the reality is that it is too easily forgotten or simply overlooked as we move through our everyday lives.

I don't consider myself any luckier than the next person when it comes to life-expectancy. I've always joked that in addition to outliving everyone that I care about, I will most surely die by way of bus, or lightning, or something else completely unrelated to my health troubles. As I see it, we are all existing on someone elses time-clock and we have no decision in when or how that time will come to an end.

For this reason, I try hard to live every moment as if there will be no more. I try to forgive myself, those that have hurt me, and those too that I may have hurt. I try to spend as much quality time with the ones that I love and that love me and tomake memories matter most. And I try to never forget to be grateful for all of the wonderful blessings that I have at this moment in my life, no matter how difficult things may currently seem. Nothing meant to be prophetic here- just trying to pass along a little thought :)

Thank you all for the many thoughts and prayers, and the undying loyalty and support .

Love you all and God Bless.
J

My Reality

2011-08-16T22:03:00.015-06:00

Over the last six years, I've heard things from people that cover the entire spectrum of compliments and criticisms. Whether it be friend or foe or someone that I've only met for the first time, it seems that nearly everyone has a thought run through their heads when they see me hooked-up to all of my medical devices. More often than not their thoughts end up coming out of their mouths for all to hear. Almost every time I travel and am being wheeled through security in a wheelchair so that I can be looked over and patted down head to toe, which by the way takes at least twice as long as it does someone going through the "abled-body" line, someone will inevitably shout out a comment regarding how unfair it is that my family and I get to move to the front of the line. It's amazing that someone would see me and all of my medical apparatuses and say anything negative, but it happens. Fortunately it mostly always makes for an entertaining story to tell, so I don't mind it very much.

Of all of the things that I've had people communicate to me, the most common thing has something to do with me having a good/positive attitude considering my circumstances. Where this is something that I always appreciate hearing, it's not entirely true. The fact is, I do have quite a few "bad" days. More than quite a few to be completely candid. My worse days typically start out with me feeling sicker than normal, with me praying that I can throw-up to get some relief. This won't happen quickly, which makes my sickness even worse. By the time that I do vomit I'm so ill that it doesn't bring relief at all, but instead makes my many hernias pop out, which then causes me brutal pain. Once I've made a few trips to the toilet I will begin feeling the effects of severe dehydration: My joints and muscles will stiffen-up and become stuck in awkward positions, I will begin feeling dizzy and unstable when upright, and I get migraines so awful that any light or noise only makes it worse. Predictably, when the physical effects of my sickness have taken hold in this manner, the depression will begin to set in.

I'm not talking about the "I don't want to get out of bed today" depression either- it's more like a "I'm not sure if I can stand-up let alone make it to the bathroom to throw-up without feeling dizzy and passing out." There are honestly days when I feel so depressed, so alone and so helpless that every cell in my body feels as though it is being attacked. I lose all desire to speak with anyone or do anything that normally serves to distract me from my ailments, such as watching television. When I feel this way, I frankly don't want to even be conscious, but unfortunately I am normally too miserable to sleep (I'm currently going through this as I write this).

Thankfully this only happens every now and then, generally about once a month, and it normally lasts for a few days. As miserable as this is for me, it is far worse for my sweet wife. There is little she or anyone can do to make it better, and more often than not the tone of my voice reflects the way that I feel, which isn't enjoyable if you happen to be on the receiving end of it, as Steph generally is.
All that I am left to do is pray to God for strength and comfort, and have enough faith to wait it out.

What's interesting about this wretched routine is that when it's all over with I feel so grateful for even the smallest things. It always humbles me and makes me appreciate things that I may have otherwise ignored, like being alive in general.
What I have learned through all of this is that the trials we go through are necessary so that we may understand all that we are blessed with. In essence, the trials are a gift.

Admittedly it isn't always easy to see your trials as a blessing to learn from, particularly when you are in the middle of whatever it is that you are dealing with. The only way that I make it through mostly unscathed is because I have a great support system of friends and family, and I have learned, through lots of trial and error, to look at each situation from every perspective (hence the blog name- it's all about perspective. Take my word for it though, it truly is) and to put my faith and trust in God that things will work out according to his plan. It also helps that I know that this mortal life isn't the end but rather another step in my journey.

Hoooray! My Blog is Back!

2011-08-11T22:02:00.008-06:00

(Pictured: A massive black hole at the center of a nearby galaxy, Centaurus A, feeds on a smaller galaxy in a spectacular collision)

I was starting to lose hope, and then it happened- my blog was restored! Considering that I have barely made any posts over the last year or so, you'd think that losing it wouldn't have been such a big deal to me. Much like a pubescent lost love, I guess I needed to lose it to remind myself how much it means to me. It's strange how things like that work in life. So often we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone. I think that was an old Whitesnake song......

Since the moment that I thought it was gone forever, I vowed that if I were to get it back I would make regular posts and treat it the way that I had intended to treat it from the beginning- as a journal to comprise my feelings, my failures and my successes. So from this point on that's what I plan on doing.

A quick update on recent things of note. Almost two weeks ago we held a yardsale/fundraiser to help with my medical costs. So many people came forward to assist us. Since it was the first yardsale that Steph or I have ever done we don't have anything to compare it to, but I think it was a HUGE success. We had so much support and help it would be impossible to name everyone, but to all of those that did, we sincerely thank you. We were reassured that there are a lot of people out there that care for us, and that alone gives me strength to fight through the occasional rough patches that I have.

Speaking of rough patches, I am currently in one. I don't know if it's a post-yardsale crash or the summer heat, but I am sicker than usual. Most of my nights for the last two weeks have been spent running to and from the bathroom, which means that I spend the following day trying to catch up on sleep. My nausea and vomiting has been out of control. When I throw-up my hernias always pop out, which then causes me severe abdominal pain. Even worse than the pain though, the excessive vomiting causes me to become dehydrated a lot faster. Between puking, diarrhea and my continuous sweating problem, I feel like every day is a battle to keep hydrated. This is nothing new for me, except for the fact that I am quickly running out of veins for IV's. One time last week it took 11 sticks to find one, and that IV ended up in the knuckle of my thumb. Not a fun spot. I usually don't mind needles, but I don't want to get stuck more than a few times each visit. The Nurses that I see are truly the best in the business so it isn't their fault- it's because my veins have been beaten up from six years of being poked and they've finally had enough. I've known that this day would come, I was just hoping that it would have come later.

So this hydration/vein issue causes me a major dilemma: Do I continue getting stuck as many times as it takes to find a vein, with the IV only lasting a day or two, until they literally can't stick me any more (some Nurses would argue that I'm already at that point)or do I risk another port surgically implanted in my chest, directly in front of the graft in my aorta? A port would certainly solve my vein problem, but it brings about issues of its own. The main issue (for those that are newer to my blog) is the aforementioned graft that holds my aorta together. If/when I get another infection the fear is that it will reach the graft, which is heavily scarred-in and would be nearly impossible to remove/replace. To be blunt, the surgeons told us (the four previous times that I had a port) that my chance of surviving would be around six-percent if the graft were to get infected. With odds that low they may not even attempt surgery to replace it, which would essentially mean a long, slow death from infection. That's obviously a scary thought. The alternative though isn't much better- possible multiple organ failure due to dehydration. Neither option is great, which is the reason for my dilemma.

As scary as this is to me, I have to keep reminding myself that I am fortunate to be alive today, and I have dodged more than a few bullets over the last six years. Whatever is in Gods plan for me is out of my control. All I can do is live the best possible life that I can and be appreciative for all that I have. No one knows when their time is up anyway, and I am no different. Deep down I know that I have a lot more to do in this life and I will probably out-live all of the people that I care about.

I don't mean to sound all dramatic here- these are just the things that I have to concern myself with at this point in my recovery. Fortunately my blog is back because it always helps to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper (so to speak). Because I have such an amazing support system around me, I know that I can deal with whatever comes my way. And because I have faith in God and his eternal plan for all of us, I know that this mortal life is only a step on an everlasting journey. What a consoling thing it is to know beyond any doubt that I will be with my loved ones beyond this mortal existence. That alone gives me the comfort that I need to make it through anything. Its been said that the man with nothing to lose is the hardest to defeat, and because I know what I know and am basically living on bonus time, I have nothing to lose :)

Thanks for all of the love and support. I am certain that it is the reason that I am still alive today.
God bless you all.
Jason

The Dog Days of Summer...

2011-07-18T22:45:00.007-06:00

After promising that I would be back posting on a regular basis, I ran into a few minor issues to deal with.

Almost right after I made my last post I started feeling sicker than usual. After a few days of suffering, Steph was finally able to drag me to the ER where I found out that I had a bad infection accompanied by air leaking into the wall of my bowel. Not being familiar with my case, the ER Doctor immediately recommended that I be admitted and transferred to the U for surgery. Needless to say this was not something that Steph or myself wanted to hear, so we refused admittance and decided to battle the infection from home, hoping to avoid surgery at all costs. Upon following up with my regular Doctors, it was determined that the air in the bowel issue would be something that I will always have to deal with- with the hope that I can manage it without it getting any worse. I guess the problem is a result of my numerous bowel surgeries, but it wasn't something that my GI Doctor seemed overly-concerned about. For the next few weeks I took a heavy dose of antibiotics and the infection eventually went away.

About the time that my infection left, I accidentally fell down the stairs and broke the big toe on my right foot. Nice huh. I have no excuse for my stupidity other than socks on slick carpet. While I carried my IV pole in one hand and a Gatorade (shouldn't I be getting endorsement dollars for as much as I use/rep the drink?)in the other, while trying to carry on a conversation with Steph, I tumbled from the top down. After meeting with the foot Doctor it was determined that during my fall I chipped a piece of bone off of the top of my toe. So now I am hoping to recover on my own without needing surgery (we'll know for sure in a couple of weeks). Obviously surgery is the last thing that I want to do- be it abdomen or toe.

So I'm doing my best to recover from my tumble, and somehow I get Strep-throat, probably from my 3-times a week hospital visits to get my IV's. For a mostly healthy person, Strep wouldn't be a big deal. But for a person like myself, it serves to complicate all of the issues that I regularly deal with- most notably my nutrition and hydration levels. So far though I'm managing pretty well :)

Aside from the few ailments I've been dealing with, the summer has been depressing. Steph and I had planned to take Jeremy to New York to visit family and see some Red Sox/Yankees games in early June, but with the issues that I was dealing with, the Doctor wouldn't give me the "ok" to travel. In fact, I don't have the "ok" to travel at all during the hot summer months ever again, and I've been told to stay inside and out of the heat as much as possible. What a bummer. Things are so complicated with my health that I worry that I'll never be able to travel to a warm climate again- which I would be ok with- but my Hawaii-loving wife may not. Ideally I need a Nurse that can travel with me in case my IV blows and I need another.

Onto more important and exciting news, Steph and I have decided to have a yard sale/fundraiser to help pay for my medical expenses. We are having it on Saturday, July 30th from 7-5. Our address is 2905 East Wardway Drive (4030 South)in Holladay, Utah, 84124. In addition, we are accepting any donations that anyone would like to make. If you have some stuff that's been sitting around for awhile and you want to get rid of those items, you are more than welcome to donate it to us :) or come by and shop while enjoying some food from our bake sale. That sounds totally cheesy, I know, but we have exhausted all other options and have some things that we need to part with in order to keep me alive and as healthy as possible. That's not cheesy, that's simply the reality of the life that we live.

Other than not being able to afford certain necessities, my life is nearly perfect. That's also a reality. I am so blessed to wake-up and have another day. I am so thankful for my incredibly loving and supportive family and friends. I have a beautiful and healthy wife and 2 kids, and for the most part, everyone else in my extended family is mostly healthy as well. The days may often be long and hard, but I am still looking forward to waking-up tomorrow and starting all over again. That's a good thing, right?

I am convinced that I am truly happy because I remember the many things that I have to be grateful for. I know from my experience over the last six-plus years that any life can be loved if the person feels true gratitude for what they have. It doesn't even need to be "big" things like family and friends that you are appreciative of- every single day I feel fortunate that my bowels still work well enough for me to go without a colostomy bag (not that that would be the worst thing). If my bowels eventually give out completely, I will feel lucky that I am able to get the nutrition that I need to survive because of our incredible medical technology that allows me to feed every day through a surgically-implanted tube in my bowel. I believe that as long as you are alive there is something to be grateful for.

Just a though to take with you this week ;) And thanks again for all of the love and support you all have shown me during these last few years. I literally wouldn't be alive without it.

My New Venture

2011-05-04T20:54:00.000-06:00

Hello again everyone. I hope that you are all as impressed as I am that I'm posting so soon. I think that 7 months is enough time between posts- something that I hope to never do again.

In my previous post I mentioned that I've been struggling with some things lately. One of the things that I am struggling with the most these days isn't necessarily physical. It's more about trying to figure out how to best fit into the world, given my circumstances. It often seems like the world wasn't meant for someone like me and I feel that I don't really belong anywhere. It's so hard to explain or put into words, but I'm going to give it a shot.

Because of my health issues I am not able to work a "normal" job. During all of the struggles that I've faced over the last 6 years, this has been one that resides at the top of the list. It's not so much about the money (although when you've got medical expenses like I do, it certainly helps) but more about all of the other benefits that come from working, specifically the emotional/internal ones. I struggle each and every day trying to figure out how I can possibly impact the world in a positive way, considering my sometimes crippling health issues. Before all of this health stuff happened I never would have imagined a time that I would say that I missed working. Instead, on more than one occasion I dragged myself to work complaining about having to be there. I didn't always appreciate the blessing and privilege that comes with being able to work. It is truly a gift- it's just too bad that it took me not being able to work to realize that. That's how it goes sometimes though.

So I'm going to attempt the kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. I want to speak with people and share an interesting story of despair, hope, resilience, faith, gratitude and triumph. I want to share some of what I've learned by experiencing the things that I have during my life- particularly the last few years. I want to inspire people. I want to remind people. I want to impact people in a positive way. I'm definitely no Tony Robbins and far from a polished speaker, but I have a story to tell that I think may be helpful to a few people out there.

So.....I am available to speak to anyone and everyone, be it church groups, businesses, youth groups, schools, guy's poker night's, women's book clubs, you name it. I will not be charging a fee, but instead I'll be doing it on a donation basis. Where I do have many medical bills to pay, I figure that the universe will work things out and take care of me one way or another :)

I have some experience, albeit limited, speaking at business retreats/seminars, church meetings, and youth groups. Not so much women's book clubs or guy's poker nights, but I'll try almost anything :)

If anyone is interested please feel free to contact me at jdr.go.sox@gmail.com and we can chat about it. I hope that I'm not sounding too cheesy by doing this- I just can't think of a better way to get the word out.

Thanks for reading and I'll be back soon!
Much love to you and yours.
God Bless,
Jason

Six Years Later.....

2011-05-01T22:00:00.001-06:00

I decided to make a post today in honor of my "6-year anniversary" which was April 25th, and was shocked at how long it has been since I last made my last post. It's always amazing to me how the days can sometimes feel so long, yet time seems to fly by. Six years.....as I contemplate that number I have the hardest time grasping how much has happened during that time. Because so much has happened during the last few months, I will have to spread it out in multiple posts- which means that I will have to be better about getting online.

To be honest, I (along with all of my Doctors) didn't think that I would be alive this long. It makes me feel as though I'm living on borrowed time. It's really a crazy feeling, especially when considering the things that I'm struggling the most with these days.

My health is up-and-down. It's a constant battle to stay nourished and hydrated- literally a full-time job. For the last month I have been fortunate to be able to hydrate at home. I go in every 3 days to have the infusion nurses start my IV's, and all of my supplies are delivered to my house. The time spent at the hospital is only about one-third of what it used to be, which is great.

I've also been doing physical therapy 3 days a week for the last two months. It too has made a big difference in my overall health. My therapist spends most of the time during my sessions breaking up the scar tissue in my abdomen. In the long-run, as I strengthen my core muscles, it will keep my many hernias from poking out. Until then though, they will pop out more frequently than ever before while the scars reform and my abdomen heals.

Also news of great note- my oldest son Josh has been diligently serving the people of Dallas, Texas since December 1, 2010 on his Mormon mission. I am so proud of the sacrifice that he has made in choosing to spend two years of his life spreading the word of God and bringing people unto Jesus Christ. Not having served a mission myself, I can't speak of the things that he is going through, but I cannot think of a more unselfish thing for a 19 year-old boy to do. He has been doing a fantastic job and has met a lot of great people, despite recently dealing with some health issues of his own. Overall he is doing great, and I am certain that he will be blessed and that his medical problems will be figured out. BIG props to Josh!

Besides my health, my main priority during the past couple of months has been following my other son Jeremy and the American Fork baseball team. While sitting outside in the dry heat isn't the best thing for a person dealing with hydration issues, the enjoyment that I get out of watching him play is more than worth whatever I may have to deal with physically. There have been many nights spent in the infusion room getting an IV immediately following one of his games, but I consider it a small price to pay.

What a blessing it is that I am alive to see my oldest son go on a mission, and my youngest son play the game that I love. I'd endure anything to be able to experience life the way that I have during these past six years. I am a blessed soul.

I am also blessed to have so many loving and supportive friends and family out there, and all of you have played a distinct role in my recovery and the fact that I am still here today. Whether it's a ride to infusion, a visit when I'm feeling down, a comment on my blog, or a thought and prayer it has meant more to me than words could ever express. I genuinely thank you all for that.

I promise to be back soon and tell the rest of my tale.
Love to all, and God bless :)

Part II: Gratitude

2010-09-03T08:16:00.008-06:00

I recently had what will hopefully be the last surgery on my mouth for awhile, and although I'm struggling to recover as quickly as I'd hoped, in many ways I'm feeling better and the outlook is positive. To give a quick explanation, the Oral Surgeon (the incomparable Dr. Jeremy Manwaring) took skin grafts from the roof of my mouth on both sides and used them to build up my lower gum tissue. Because I throw-up regularly, the roof of my mouth has been taking a long time to heal. Even with a mouth guard that covers the inflamed area, it is sore to the point that anything that touches it causes pain. As everyone is already aware by now, this means that eating or drinking by mouth is difficult, if not impossible, so the snowball begins and I quickly become dehydrated and malnourished. I run my feeding tube at the highest rate that I can stand, but because of my absorption and gastroparesis issues, I can't sustain myself with it alone, and it causes intense abdominal pain when I run it in too fast. So I end up doing what I've been doing all summer, laying in bad, slightly upright to help the nausea, but flat from the waist up so I don't hurt. Sometimes taking a deep breath momentarily takes my breath away. Wow, this sounds a bit like complaining to me...I hope that's not the way it's coming across.

Besides the pain and nausea, I guess the biggest thing that I'm feeling right now is discouragement. Not in the sense that I wish for anything different, but more that my body won't allow my mind to do what it wants. Where I genuinely feel blessed for every waking breath that I've had during the last five-plus years, I've mostly just been surviving. Now I'm at a point where I want to live. I want my body to allow me to want to get up and moving, and when I do, to hang in there long enough that I'm able to experience the wonderful moments in life that only come from being around people.....being in the world.....having a bigger role in this process. It's so hard to explain, I shouldn't even try. I don't expect anyone to completely understand what I'm trying to say, just as I will never know what it is like to be any of you. We all suffer in one way or another, and I by no means think that my suffering is any greater than anyone else's. After all, suffering is the human condition. We have to suffer to truly comprehend how amazing life can be. More than anything, I have learned this through my health trials during the last few years. It's taken a long and often difficult process, but it's all been worth it to me just for the things I've learned, if nothing else. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about any of it if it meant that I'd not be where I am at this very moment. I mean that.

Having a bit of alone time during the last few months has allowed me to reflect and work through things from my past- not just mistakes and transgressions, but mostly positive things. I've recalled things that I had completely forgotten about, little seemingly insignificant moments that made an impression on me, even if the other people involved were being impressed at the time by something else. It's an easy thing to do in our fast-paced world, and I know that it's happened to me too many times to count. Whatever the case, I have been blessed to have experienced many of those moments, again, too many times to count. I am more grateful for this than anything else I've ever experienced. I don't feel that I've done anything to deserve the many wonderful people that I have connected with. The connection with each individual person is unique and special beyond description. I don't like to refer to relationships as "deeper" than another, and it's not a matter of "good" or "bad" or "better" or "worse." There's the usual suspects, like my amazing family. There's the many incredible friends that I've made over the years, most of whom always had my best interest in mind. And of course there's the people that I've known for a long time. As far as I'm concerned, these people are family, and I love them as such. It's what life is all about, and I am blessed that I was born into the family that I was. This is truly a blessing, because there are a lot of people in the world that weren't as fortunate as I was. When you consider this, there's not a big difference between myself and any homeless or drug-addicted person in the world. In many ways, the difference is that simple. I was born on 3rd base and acted like I'd hit a triple. There's a lot of people that are handed a bat already down 0-2 in the count, with the bases loaded and 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th, behind 4-3. Despite this, a select few will rise above it all and knock the next pitch into the gap to score the winning runs in walk-off fashion. Others may draw a bases-loaded walk to tie the game. Sadly though, most people with two strikes against them from their moment of conception will strike out. My point is, I understand how fortunate I am to have the family and friends that I do.

But there has also been a small group of people (relative to how many people come in and out of our lives) that has been equally as important to me. They are the people that you come in contact with that stay with you for as long as you live. It may have only seemed like a moment at the time, but that time together can be every bit as powerful as your longest relationship. I have also been blessed with many of these people, some who I still have contact with, some who I don't. I am grateful for all of those that have had a positive impact on my life and who have helped me to grow as a human being. I'm certain that there are some that don't pay me any attention now, and they may not even know that they mean anything to me. I sincerely hope that is not the case. It definitely makes me want to reach out to a few of them.

In addition to all of this, I have even more to be grateful for. I can see a bright light at the end of the tunnel. The light has me excited for the future- which is a strange and new feeling for me, but one that I welcome with open arms. The fact is, I haven't looked ahead beyond the moment very much since this health journey began, so this process is proving more difficult than I would have expected. Although I always loved looking ahead, dreaming of what could be, and making plans, there's a simplicity that you find when your only focus is on the moment.

Regardless, this is a problem that I won't ever complain about having, and I honestly feel blessed because of it. My biggest challenge is keeping myself from getting carried away with making future plans (my "life-list" is getting long) so I am trying to find a happy-medium.

Through all of the health issues that I've been faced with during these last few years, there have been many things and countless people that have helped me survive, too many to name here. In fact, I'm probably going to have to write a book to explain them all. Until that happens, I wanted to share the one general theme that has resonated with me from the beginning- that thing being gratitude. The key to feeling happy and fulfilled is gratitude. Being grateful for all that you have been blessed with. Every little thing. In our culture of excess and competition, this is often easier said than done. I won't lie and say that I don't wish/hope for things- it's human nature to do so and I am very much a mortal being. In our world it's so easy to fall into the trap of desiring more, better, bigger, etc. Unfortunately when we are in this frame of mind, not satisfied with things as they are, it's difficult to recognize the things that we already have. We are led to believe that we will feel fulfilled when such-and-such happens- when we get married, buy the new toy, lose weight, or progress in our career- the list goes on and on. Focusing on all of these things that we think will lead to our happiness only makes us forget the many things that we are already blessed with. And consider this- if even the smallest thing would have happened differently, you may not be where you are now. Just my thoughts :)

I will continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for making a difference in my life :) I love you all and God bless you and your loved ones.
Talk soon.
J

Another Season Winds Down

2010-08-23T13:51:00.004-06:00

Wow, I can't believe how quickly time goes by, especially when each minute of each day sometimes seem to last forever. It's been a long time since my last post and there's a lot to tell- so I'll get to some of it and try not to make it too long. Because I won't be able to tell everything in this post, consider this the first of a 3 or 4 part series :)

As summer comes to a close and my favorite time of year is just around the corner, I am finally beginning to see some positive change in my physical health. I realize that I may be the only person reading this that feels this way, but this summer has felt extremely long. These past few months have been some of the toughest that I've dealt with in the last few years. Obviously the heat kills me- literally- but I've also been dealing with some dental issues as a result of throwing-up every day. I've needed a bunch of root canals and I recently had gum-graft reconstructive surgery (the bile and acid had disintegrated my gums on both sides of my bottom row of teeth, exposing the roots). More than anything though, my mouth- check that- my entire head- has been hurting to the point that I'm forced to either wear a hospital mask (which I hate doing, because along with my feeding-tube and other medical paraphernalia, people think that I am contagious) or keep my mouth covered with a washcloth. I've even slept with my mouth covered because it hurt to breathe. I don't care that I look ridiculous in public, I just hate feeling miserable.

Long story short, since I've been having mouth pain, I don't want to eat or drink anything, which quickly snowballs into a long list of other problems. If I don't drink, I get dehydrated. If I don't eat, I become malnourished. I've been really good about staying hooked-up to my feeding pump around-the-clock (I run Gatorade during the day and stuff similar to Ensure at night) but because I have problems with digestion and absorption, doing this doesn't keep me stable by itself- I have to be able to do it by mouth as well. So my GI Doctor set me up for daily IV infusions again, which is something that I didn't want to do. To me, having to go back to IV infusions felt like I was taking too many steps backwards, after having pushed forward so much since my last surgery. Knowing this, my Doctor decided to send me to a different hospital. He thought that a change of scenery might make it easier, and boy I am glad that he did. I've been going to the new Intermountain hospital in Murray, and it has felt like a new beginning. I've been trying to go in every other day instead of every day, which has only been working because I spend the rest of my time indoors and in bed. So needless to say, it hasn't been the funnest summer for me. However, things are getting worked out, and in a lot of ways I'm in the best shape that I've been in since the accident happened over 5 years ago.

Reading all of this may make you think that I've got it really bad, and some may even feel sorry for me. But don't think either thing. Even though it's been tough missing out on family vacations, barbecues, pool-parties, baseball/sports, and/or anything else that entails eating or being outside, I have used this time to work on personal growth. Most days its been hard to concentrate long enough to write a sentence, let alone an entire post, but I've had plenty of time to think. And to ponder. And to pray. Let's just say that despite my physical trials, I'm in a great place spiritually. I'm not talking religion here, because as my fellow church members can tell you, I don't have the greatest attendance record. Rather, I'm speaking about feeling at one with the universe and connected to a higher-power. For me, that connection/relationship is with God, and with his Son Jesus Christ. Even after more than 5 years of dealing with this stuff, I still need the humbling that comes with feeling crappy. That may sound strange to some people, but I truly believe that we sometimes do our best work at our lowest points. Knowing how easy it is to get caught up in the things of the world, be it work, school, or play, I am grateful for the constant reminder about what truly matters. This is not to say that I wouldn't love to be at work, at school, or at play, but often times when you do those things it's easy to forget about the thing that makes it all possible- our Father in Heaven. Without Him, nothing else matters, and nothing else is possible. I am so grateful for God and for the Savior. It is because of Them that I am alive today, and only through Them can I experience true happiness. People may think that it's too bad it took losing my physical health to truly understand this, but I'm genuinely grateful that I found out in this mortal life.

I'll get back soon. Until then, thanks again for all of the thoughts and prayers :)
Love to you all.
Jason

Random Stuff

2010-06-14T15:42:00.000-06:00

Another Great/Rough Weekend

2010-06-14T11:47:00.005-06:00

Good Monday! :)
I'm making a post a lot sooner than I've been doing lately, but I had a really interesting thing happen that I wanted to share. First off, I want to be sure that people don't get the wrong impression from this post. Now that I've done my usual of qualifying everything before I say it- I have to do this a lot when explaining my passion for mixed martial arts- I'll get on with it.

Anyway, I had a mostly awesome weekend. I spent Friday hanging out with Steph and the dogs, and Josh and Jer and their friend Ralph (not to be confused with the Reynolds Ralph, which is the nickname that my dad has had for my mom for as long as I can remember) came over on Saturday night to watch UFC 115. It was great spending time with them, even though I was feeling pretty sick.

Long story short, I ended up spending Sunday in the ER getting IV fluids again. Since that's usually a whole other story unto itself, I'll spare everyone the gory details of my visit. After I finished my last liter of fluid, the Doctor came in and chatted with us. When I first got there I was so dehydrated that, despite a half-full waiting room, they got me right in and hooked up. As usual, the Doctors, Nurses and staff at University Hospital were awesome. Because of some issues I've had recently, the Doctor wanted to rule out another bowel obstruction. Because I've had a few of those in the past that required surgery to fix, he ordered a chest x-ray. He came in after I was hydrated and feeling much better to discuss the results. First, he said that there wasn't an obstruction, which brought Steph and I huge relief, seeing as another surgery is THE LAST thing I want right now. He then explained his reasons for doing the chest x-ray instead of a CT scan. Apparently, since 2005 I've had 45 abdominal CT scans. I know this figure is accurate because the Doctor went back 5 years and counted them one-by-one. The Doctor then explained that while all of those tests were most likely needed because of my health history, he didn't want to make it number 46. He said that I am at a very high risk for cancer because of all of the radiation. This shouldn't have come as a huge surprise to Steph and I, but it did. I honestly haven't given the potential side effects of any tests the Doctors have done any thought what-so-ever. There was no "long-term" worries because my case has always been so day-to-day. This whole cancer thing really doesn't affect me except that it is interesting. Interesting that we hadn't even considered "long-term" possibilities. For me, the fact that the Doctor was saying that this possible future event was something we should consider was music to my ears. None of us know what tomorrow holds, let alone years from now. Anything could happen. None of us are promised tomorrow under any circumstance, and regardless of our current health. This isn't to say that we shouldn't do everything we can to take care of ourselves, because I know as well as anyone the effect that eating right and taking care of our bodies can have on our quality of life.

So I log onto the internet this morning and up pops the Yahoo news. The third item in the news feed is titled "Americans get most radiation from medical scans." I'm pretty shocked at this point, and I immediately read the article and learn some really interesting facts:

- The average abdominal CT scan involves 10 to 20 millisieverts, so 45 CT's would be 450 millisieverts (at a minimum), and 900 (at the most).
- After studying the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear power plant accident and Japanese atomic bomb survivors, it was estimated that each survivor was considered at a very high risk for cancer after being exposed to 50 to 150 millisieverts.

Crazy right?! A-bomb and nuclear power plant survivors are at a high risk for cancer at 150 millisieverts of radiation, and in the last 5 years I've been exposed to between 450-900 millisieverts. I am thinking that this can't be just a coincidence. And since I know that I'm not going to ever get cancer, I felt I should probably warn all of you healthy-bodied readers. Absolutely ZERO worries for me, but I genuinely care about all of you :) If nothing else, it's some incredibly interesting information that most people probably don't know.

In case you didn't get it, the message here is that life is good! Take care of yourself the best that you can, appreciate all that you have, create memories with your family and friends, and never hesitate to let the people you love know it.
As for me, I get 2 more root canals this week on my journey to healing and recovery.
Much love to you all and God bless!

A Few Steps Backward....

2010-06-06T08:42:00.004-06:00

First off, I want to mention that Steph and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary on June 2nd. Not only is it shocking to me that she has stuck with me for as long as she has, but it's even more shocking how quickly the time has flown by. It seems like it was just yesterday that we started dating- the boys were 8 and 5 when Steph first met them. Pretty crazy.

Not only am I blessed to have such an amazing wife and family, but I'm also blessed that time has seemed to go by quickly. As I've discovered for myself during the last 5 years, when you're sick, time drags on. Seconds literally feel like minutes, and hours seem like days. It's amazing how quickly the days, hours, and minutes pass when you're not forced to think about feeling sick or sore. From my experiences, I've learned that life tends to move faster the faster you actually move. I will spare you all my thoughts and ramblings, but it coincides with Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Let's just say that even though it's hard to believe that so much time has passed, there have been many times during the past 5 years when some moments have seemed to last an eternity.

The last 2 weeks have unfortunately been that way for me. Starting with my first root canal, I've taken a few steps further back than I was hoping. I have lost weight and struggled to stay hydrated on a daily basis. I've made a few trips to the ER for IV hydration (which literally makes me feel like a person in a different body, at least until I get dehydrated again a day or so later) and I've been constantly hooked-up to my feeding apparatus. Despite these mostly physical issues, I've managed to do some great living, albeit on a not-so-consistent basis. We celebrated Jer's 16th birthday with him on June 9th and have made it to most of his baseball games. We've been able to hang out with Josh while Jer plays, which is great. It's also really good for my tan, which definitely makes me appear healthier than when I've looked grayish/yellow.

Also adding to my issues is the fact that I've given into temptation and eaten things that I know I shouldn't. Like the In-and-Out burger and fries I ate twice this week on the way home from seeing the kids. As good as it tasted going in, it was brutal coming out. I don't do well with any and all meats. To be honest, as far as I'm concerned, meat is like sin; If I give in to temptation and indulge myself for a fraction of gratification, I know that I will surely suffer. My body won't break down and digest meat, so I'll either over-eat and throw-up soon after eating, assumedly because the food has no place to go, or I will throw-up 2-3 days later. Either scenario stinks for too many reasons to name, but the worst is that I become almost instantly dehydrated after I vomit. It totally wipes me out. The only comfortable position is unconscious. My body hurts at every joint and I become so nauseous that I don't even want to take medicine that will make me feel better, usually because I end up having to swallow it back down over and over again, which isn't ever fun, but especially not when you are already throwing up bile. I know, TMI.

Whatever the case, I don't mean to sound pessimistic or whiny. I thoroughly enjoy my life. I just wish my body had an "off" button at times. Things just aren't progressing as quickly as I would like. I wasn't prepared to take any steps backwards after reaching a certain point in my recovery, but that isn't how life works. Life happens regardless of how I'm feeling or what I'm doing. Keeping up with its pace isn't what my existence is about anymore. I need to be patient and do all that I can to do the necessary work. My faith should take care of the rest. I'm not the most patient person in the world, so I'm sure that has something to do with it as well :)

Much love to you all.
God Bless.
Jason

Great News! Again.....

2010-05-23T19:26:00.009-06:00

Hey there everyone. I thought that this would be a good time to make a post, especially since I have more great news to share. I had a Doctor's appointment on Thursday, and I'm happy to say that I weight 151.3 pounds! Even though I've been working really hard to get in shape, mostly by doing push-ups and sit ups, and trying to nibble on food, and sip on Gatorade throughout the day, I was a little surprised to see that I'd gained 30 pounds since my last Doctor's visit, which was only 3 months ago. At this rate, I'll weigh over 200 pounds by the end of the year ;)
Ok, maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself with that one, but the news gets even better when I say that I honestly feel better than I have since all of this health/medical stuff began over 5 years ago. I've been feeling so good that I finally decided to venture into the dentist and get some things fixed/checked out. As far as my mouth goes, I've basically had bulimia for 5 years, which obviously takes a toll on the teeth.

So I went back to the wonderful Dr. Jack Rasmussen and his amazing staff (they are genuinely the best people) who then referred me to a great Endodontist. I had 2 root canals this morning and may need 4 or 5 more after the holiday weekend. The Endodontist said that the atrophy and calcification in my roots and gums are extremely deteriorated. I'm assuming that it's probably somewhere in the range of what a 75 year old mans issues would be, much like it is with my internal organs. Honestly, it's all pretty funny to me. He even said that one of my teeth had 2 extra roots- something he's never seen before. Now that's funny stuff.

Mostly I'm complaining because I am a complete wimp when it comes to mouth/teeth stuff. There's a good reason why I went into Dr. Rasmussen 3 years ago to get a whole new mouth-full of teeth- it's the last thing that I've wanted to concern myself with, considering the other health issues I've had. I would literally rather be cut open than get a root canal. Seriously. Don't get me wrong here- these are all positive things going on in my life right now. I'm getting healthy. I even have a partial tan. I am writing a lot for MSG Fight Club (the fix for my MMA passion) and I hope to start working another job in the very near future. Let's just say that I'm more motivated to live my life to the fullest than I've ever been before, and I'm not willing to let anything hold me back any more. For 39 years I've been saying "one day I'll do that".....well today is that day. As the great Andy Dufresne once said, "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'. I choose to live.

What an incredible journey this has all been. I could die right now with no regrets. There would be a lot of things that I'd still like to do, but no regrets. The truth is, the way that I have seen life work in my near 40 years, I will end up outliving everyone. And when I do go, it will be something totally unrelated to this health stuff. Maybe I'll get hit by a bus. Better yet, maybe I'll pass on doing something that I love. Whatever the case, the lesson here is, enjoy today. Cherish your life and the people you love. You own nothing more than this very moment. This moment is your life. And life is great:)

Have a great Memorial Weekend.
God Bless you all with continued love and prayers :)

I'm back....(with a LONG post)

2010-05-11T17:00:00.001-06:00

Its been awhile since I made a post, and considering all that has happened lately, I'm beginning to think that I'm being prompted to write. SO.....where do I even begin.

First and foremost, I'm excited to acknowledge that I'm officially past the five-year mark. Sunday, April 25th was the anniversary of my "re-birth." To celebrate, I got to spend the weekend with Steph and the boys. It was so great. Every single day I'm reminded of how fragile life is. More than anything though, I'm grateful that I'm still alive and able to spend time with people that I love. Five years.....it's hard to believe. Most days seem really long when you are sick, but yet the time still flies by. You struggle to make it through certain trials, and then the next thing you know, weeks, months, even years have passed. It feels like this all happened just yesterday. To me, every day that I've alive is a gift- one that I don't always feel deserving of receiving. Every day I'm reminded what is truly important. Every day I'm humbled. Having knowledge of these things is the greatest blessing that I've ever received, and none of it would have happened if I had not gone through the health trials that I have. This may sound odd, but I'm sincerely grateful that the "mistake" happened to me. I'm even more grateful that God allowed me to come back and continue my journey, with an entirely new perspective on living.

Health-wise, things get better nearly every day. I'm able to eat certain things and for the most part, I keep it down. My diet is very limited, and I'm still learning what I can and can't eat. I still struggle a lot with portion control (who doesn't though) and I invariably eat too much and end up sick. Whether or not I eat has nothing to do with hunger, since I'm typically always hungry. In fact, and as one would assume, I've basically been starving for 5 years. When I eat these days it's because I need to retrain my body to handle food again. In theory, I'm supposed to be nibbling on food and sipping on Gatorade throughout the day and night. That sounds easy enough, but you'd be surprised at how difficult it really is. When you're really hungry, it's almost impossible to take just one bite of something that tastes good. This will probably be something that I always have a hard time dealing with. Not having a stomach and a portion of my bowel leaves little room for anything that goes in my mouth- it just doesn't have anywhere to go. This, coupled with suffering from gastroparesis, makes eating or drinking extremely difficult. Although after 5 years of dealing with this, I've come to accept that throwing-up is just a part of my life, and I'm ok with that.

As has been the case since all of this started, my biggest issue is staying hydrated. I keep hooked-up to my feeding apparatus around the clock, but I still feel the effects of dehydration on a daily basis. I get horrible headaches, I feel ridiculously nauseous, and all of my joints "stick." It is something that requires constant attention, and I regularly get tired of focusing on myself.

Incredibly, I've managed to gain 5 pounds since my last post. I'm also starting to regain my strength, and I've been able to do things that I haven't been able to do for years. I've made it to almost all of Jeremy's high school baseball games, and I've been able to spend time with my family. Words can't express how amazing it has been to be able to live my life again. To be a husband. To be a father. To be a son, brother, and friend. To feel like I'm doing something to take care of my family. To feel like I'm doing something to contribute to the world. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about all of it. I am so blessed :)

After my surgery in December I decided that as soon as I recovered I was going to "dress up and show up" as often as I could, regardless of how sick I felt. I've missed out on so much during the last 5 years because I haven't been able to be as active as I wanted to be. Its been very depressing at times. But as I've learned through all of this, my attitude alone can determine the life that I live. I may not always be able to handle things from a physical perspective, but I can still live an incredible life- learning and loving. Honestly, why would I need any more than that?

Thanks to all of you for the thoughts and prayers. Thanks for hanging in there with me and for caring for Steph and I the way that you do. And most of all, thanks for being such a positive part of my life. I've honestly missed this, and I'll be better about making more regular updates.

God bless you all! Life is truly good!

Progressing Along

2010-03-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

Man, have I been taking advantage of the ability to eat again without puking it up afterwards. I feel as though it's all that I do...all day long. Ideally I'm supposed to be eating and drinking every fifteen minutes or so, but this has proven a lot harder to do than you would think. With my stomach being the size of a walnut, and my bowel being much smaller than normal, I get "filled-up" rather easily. Mostly though, nibbling on food throughout the day isn't the struggle. The real struggle is staying hydrated. This all feels like such a new process to me, and I'm sure that it's going to take some time to get used to. Overall, I'm beginning to get some strength back (I've been "working out")and feeling better than I have in a long time.

More than anything I want to get myself as healthy as possible by the end of March when I go back to New Jersey to visit my twin sister and her family (I consider her husband one of my best friends and I love their kids like my own) and my little brother and his awesome wife and new daughter. I can't wait to be able to hang out with my twin sister and her family, my brother and his wife, and to finally meet my new niece. This is really exciting news for me, as its been awhile since I traveled to see them. I love the East coast. I'd honestly rather go to New Jersey to visit them than any tropical island paradise. Seriously. If you gave me the option of going to Hawaii or NJ, I'd pick Jersey every time. Obviously family has a big something to do with this.

Steph and I are doing great, Junior and Jesse are keeping us entertained, and the boys are doing great as well. Family is the most important thing in the world to me, and my family is all doing good- so I feel very VERY blessed. Alive and healthy is what it's all about. Even the health thing doesn't matter that much to me anymore- just being alive is enough.

I also feel blessed to have the love and support of all of my friends, all of you, and I know that the thoughts and prayers are what's kept me here the last few years, and helped me to turn a corner recently. A big "thanks" just doesn't seem to cut it. Probably my biggest complaint during the last few years is that there aren't words that describe what I feel. Just know that it is appreciated.
Love to you all.
Jason

Finally back again.....

2010-03-02T20:07:00.002-07:00

So I thought that I would give a quick update about my current health status- especially considering how long it has been since I did that last. It's hard to believe that time has gone by so quickly....in a lot of ways it feels as though I just got out of the hospital following my latest surgery. It's crazy to think that weeks have gone by since my last post. For any of you that may have been worried, I apologize and promise to do better from now on. You'll be happy to hear my new news though....

Steph and I had a follow-up appointment with the marvelous Dr. Glasgow today. During the last 2 weeks I have taken a BIG turn for the better. My appetite is back. I have been eating select food and drink and keeping most of it down. I've been really struggling with portion control- it's really hard for me to take only 2 bites of something that tastes good- but I figure that this is a learning process and that I've just got to learn how to eat again. My diet is limited, but I don't care a bit- I'm just excited to be back amongst the "normal" people that can eat at all. The last 2 weeks have been so good that I was sure that I had gained a significant amount of weight and was totally deflated when I stepped on the scale and found that I had only gained a pound. Despite this revelation, I met with Dr. Glasgow and told him of my recent progress. Upon hearing how I've been doing he told me to "go live your life to the fullest," which is something I totally plan on doing. In fact, I want to run as fast as I can and not stop. Hopefully it won't be long before my body can catch up to what I feel inside.

Overall though, this is great news. Today marks the first day since this all started nearly 5 years ago that I left the hospital without having a follow-up appointment scheduled. That is very significant. Something else rather significant- they also pulled my Pik-line today, which means that I am now hydrating on my own. No more IV's. I'm a little worried about this, only because I have been running in 2 liters every other day. So I'll keep hooked-up to my feeding tube around the clock, and always have a Gatorade in my hand that I'm sipping on throughout the day. That's not so bad. We should know how that's working out shortly, but I'm planning on the best.

Thanks again for all of the love and support. I've really missed blogging....go figure.
Talk soon.
J

Super Bowl Sunday

2010-02-07T19:01:00.003-07:00

I am very fortunate that I get to spend the Super Bowl with my mom and dad and the boys. They came up last night at around 7:00 so that we could watch UFC 109 together. They them slept over and we were able to hang out all day together, despite me feeling pretty sick for most of the day/wkend. We had ourselves a little party and have been watching a very entertaining game. This is what it's all about. Watching the SB with your family, especially your sport-loving kids. Great times.

Another great time for me this weekend was Ashley, Teag, and Dallas coming up to visit for the weekend. They drove up after work on Friday and stayed until today. It was great seeing them and getting quality time to visit with my sister. She literally only left my side when either of us had to go to the bathroom, or were going to bed.

In addition to the Whiting's visit, Kim, Steve, and kids came over for the SB party tonight for a little while, even though they don't have much of an interest in football. Despite this, they hung out and chatted with us for a good amount of time, and we were able to play around with Isaak and Ben too. It was/is a great night and weekend.

This week since I don't have any Doctors appointments, Steph and I are going to do a "date day" from Tuesday through Friday. I'm really excited to spend some good one-on-one time with her and hang out. Just a way of celebrating the fact that I have a week without an appointment, if nothing else. Spending it with my wife is just the thing that I want to do :)

As for my health, things are slowly getting better and better. My drain now gone, the pain in my side and back has gotten better as each day has passed. The plans are to pull my PICC-line on Monday and I will spend my days and nights self-hydrating. This will mark the first time in months and months, or has it been years?, that am without means of hydrating through some sort of IV. That means showers are now fine without running the risk of my line getting infected. What a relief that is. Seriously. It's almost going to life-changing in a way. I think I may steam and shower five times a day for the first month or so. I'll be the cleanest person in any given place most of the time, which will be a nice change for me. I guess there's always the chance that I could throw-up on myself, but these are the things that I'm slowly learning to live with :) That's why I carry a big backpack with an extra change of clothes and a towel. I'm starting to give away all of my secrets....I better quit now and watch the last of the game.

Much love to you all :)
Thanks for continuing to stick with me, despite my often annoying and whiny personality.

Little Improvements

2010-01-28T16:47:00.005-07:00

It is of great note that I've started to get an appetite back. I've actually been nibbling of food and sipping Gatorade nearly every day this week. The food rarely stays down, but at least I'm attempting it, right? Who would have thought that I would be needing to relearn how to eat and drink properly again? It's pretty crazy to me. If I take my meds regularly, and stay hooked-up to my hydration and feedings, I generally tend to feel a lot better. It sounds so simple, but yet it is so difficult. Try staying hooked-up when you are hovered over the toilet throwing-up bile, or even worse, laying in bed feeling more nauseous than you have in your life, while forcing yourself to take a sip of something, anything, so that you can take the medicine that will hopefully make you feel better. That's assuming you don't throw it up. Waaaa waaaaa huh. I'm not complaining, just stating the facts. This is all mostly good news, so I'm happy.

Also a special treat for me today- my mom went and picked Junior up and brought him out to the house to hang with me for a couple of hours. It was great seeing him and he was mostly excited himself. A little anxious of his surroundings and the dog on the other side of the fence, but generally happy. He is very healing to me. Even though I feel especially sick today, he uplifted my spirits, and for that I am genuinely grateful to mom for letting me see him.

Overall, things are going well. I don't remember ever recovering from surgery as quickly as I've been recovering these last couple of weeks. Not necessarily overall, but more concerning my abdominal region. I'm not as sore as I've been in the past. Except for the pain in my shoulder caused by the abscess below my diaphragm. Good things coming though- I can feel it :)

Much love to you all.
J

Finally....a Post

2010-01-23T19:50:00.003-07:00

I thought that it would be a good time to make a short post about my progress of late. Last Tuesday I had another CT scan and was hoping to get my drain removed. Unfortunately the abscess is still there, and is in fact larger than it was the week before. Any time there is a cavity in your abdomen your body tries to fill the area with fluid. So instead of the drain getting rid of all of the fluid, the cavity remains full, and the output is more than I had going on when I was in the hospital. So we have to wait another week to see if there's any progress. The abscess causes an odd pain in my shoulder and back called a 'Kerr sign.' Not fun, but it's tolerable.

In addition to the drain issue, I threw-up tube-feeds for the first time last Thursday. This has never happened before, so I was a little freaked out when it did. Normally I just get sick after being hooked-up for awhile and throw-up bile. This time that didn't happen, which leads me to believe that it won't be very long before I'm either readmitted to the hospital, or they put me on TPN and make me home-bound. As much as I didn't want the latter to happen, it's better than dropping weight like I'm currently doing. It's weird, for the four or five days before this happened I was doing fairly well- tolerating my tube-feeds (for the most part) and hydrating myself through IV each day. Then like out of nowhere, I start getting sick. Hopefully I'll learn something more on Tuesday when I go back.

As for everything else, things are going ok. My attitude has been pretty crummy for the last few days, but I'm feeling that it's mostly due to lack of sleep and feeling sick. Man is it nice to be in someplpace other than the hospital. I love the people there, but it's a tough place to get rest and recovery. And maybe there's a little bit getting used to life as it currently is. It's not like I haven't been here before. It's just a tad discouraging not knowing how in the world I'm going to sustain nutritionally. I guess this is another spot that faith really comes into play. My faith is sometimes the only thing that gives me comfort. Thank heavens for that.

I'll be better about posting- I'm over my hiatus.
Much love to you all.
Thanks for the continued love and support. I don't know how I'd manage without it. Even the thoughts help.
J

Quick Update and Break

2010-01-17T07:34:00.003-07:00

I just wanted to make a quick note that says that I am finally home from the hospital and feeling optimistic about my progress. Unfortunately, because I am sick and sore and other things need to be a priority right now, I'll be taking a break from posting and rarely checking into my account.

My family and my health need more time and effort than I have been giving them.
Much love to you all,
Jason

37 Days and Counting....

2010-01-06T08:40:00.004-07:00

It's hard to believe that so much time has passed since I was admitted. I've been here to see CHRISTmas and my birthday, as well as the beginning of a new year. Fortunately for me, it hasn't seemed as long as its been.

As far as my health is concerned, a lot has changed. At least as far as the plan that they have for me is concerned. They said that the plan is for me to go home on Friday, hooked up to my j-tube and ready to go.

As far as I am feeling, I have some good days and some not-so-good days. There are more crummy days than good ones right now (I've been throwing up a lot of bile recently that may be all in my head. I thought that I was mentally stronger than that, but I'm managing. Thanks goodness for private rooms and bathrooms. I don't know how I did it before.

I'll keep posting more regularly.
Thanks for all of the love and support.
Jason

It's 3:30am Again....

2009-12-30T03:28:00.003-07:00

I just wanted to make a quick post to wish my twin sister Lisa a happy birthday, so Leese, "Happy Birthday!"

Not only is Lisa my twin sister, she is one of the best friends that I've ever had. Any and every time that I've ever needed her, she has come to me with open arms. To describe all that my twin sister means to me would be an impossible task. There's just too many things.

When we were growing up I didn't appreciate her the way that I should have. This is not to say that there was anything but love and support between us, with an occasional fight over the TV notwithstanding, and each of us knew that if it ever came down to it, there's nothing we wouldn't do for the other. My only regret growing up was that I didn't appreciate her even more than I already did. Fortunately for me, we've more than managed to make up for that since adulthood. Time is the only gift that I wish I could give more freely of, but there's not enough time left in my lifetime to express to Lisa what she means to me. I sincerely love my twin sister with all of my heart- and I know that the feeling is mutual.I could go on and on here, so I'll just end with this:

To my beautiful and amazing twin sister on her birthday, I wish you all of the love and happiness in the world. You deserve it as much as anyone I have ever known.
I love you Leese!

2009-12-26T15:12:00.004-07:00

We hope everyone had a merry Christmas. The boys and myself spent most of Christmas day at the hospital with Jason. I am amazed every day by Jason. He told the doctor the other day that he wants to live and he wants to live a life of quality more than quantity. I admire my sweetie so much as he continues with love, grace and gratitude to fight for life.
The results of the labs for the pic-line and the abscess are not ready yet. They have him on strong antibiotics. They started his tubes feeds again today on the lowest rate. He has had to pause them throughout the day as he has been very nauseaus.
Sending love and gratitude to all of you from us.

(post by Steph)

Volleyball size abscess...

2009-12-24T07:39:00.004-07:00

Last night they did a CT scan of Jason's abdomen. The results showed a huge abscess on his pelvis. As Dr. Glasgow put it the abscess is "almost the size of a volleyball." This explains the intense pain and difficulties urinating. The interventional radiologists put in a drain. They are concerned about finding enteric (microorganisms that inhabit the intestines are commonly known as enteric bacteria) matter in the fluid. As I understand it, if there is that means there is leaking from the bowel and they would have to do more surgery. The fluid contains a lot of blood. From looking at the fluid they said it does not appear to have enteric matter, however, the labs will verify. So right now they do not know the source of the problem causing the abscess/hematoma but they are going to watch things closely for the next few days. They have him on strong antibiotics to fight the infection. As soon as the lab results are completed they will determine what antibiotic will respond best to the type of infection he has. Jason has said that he feels noticeably better since they have drained a lot of the fluid.
They also have drawn blood labs from his pic-line to make sure the pic is not infected. This takes a few days for the results but the preliminary results look good.

Good news... Jason has had bowel movements and gas which means the bowel is starting to wake up. Yahoo!

I hope the above explanations make sense and I apologize if it doesn't... my mind is a little frazzled and I couldn't get it working this morning. :)

THANK YOU so much for the words of love and encouragement. You have no idea what a difference that makes for both of us. It helps us keep fighting and moving forward.

WE LOVE YOU.

2009-12-23T10:18:00.003-07:00

Another really difficult night and morning for Jason. He is having muscle spasms due to the pain and swelling. The swelling is much worse today. He has not had a bowel movement since his surgery. They have stopped his tube feeds. They were worried he had a urinary tract infection because he has had a difficult time urinating and pain in his lower back but the test results were negative. He continues to fight through it.
Again... Thank you so much for the prayers. We feel them and see them working through his recovery.

Update

2009-12-22T12:05:00.002-07:00

Goodmorning. I just wanted to give a quick update. Jason had a terrible night. His tube feeds were increased and he woke up in a huge puddle of bile, tube feeds and other "stuff". He is exhausted and the staff are worried that he is not healing appropriately. He is swollen around his abdominal area which is to be expected. The nurses have requested no visitors for the next few days in hope that he will be able to sleep. We are still moving in a positive direction. Sometimes you take two steps forward and one step back... But going in the right direction.
Thank you so much for the prayers. We love you!

Christmas Celebration with the family...

2009-12-21T16:05:00.023-07:00

Last night will go down as one of the most memorable family Christmas celebrations. Everyone in Jason's family was here (half of them flew in from out of town). The staff here arranged a large conference room for us to have the party. It was PERFECT. We are so grateful to them for arranging this so that we could celebrate Christmas as a family. Here are a few pictures from this week and the party night...

Christmas Tree in Jason's room...

Getting transported to the party...

Jason with Grandma Reynolds...

Jason with the dudes (Josh & Jeremy)...

Jason with sister Kim...

Jason with his brother Jake...

Jason with his twin sister Lisa...

Jason with brother-in-law Scott...
Here is an update on how Jason is doing physically. Yesterday and today has been Jason's worse days so far since the surgery. He is in pain, nauseaus and extremly tired. But as they say the 3rd and 4th days are usually the worse. They started his tube feeds last night on the lowest rate. He is still on the TPN (IV nutrition) too. The doctors say that Jason is right on track with the healing process.

Much love to you all... we truly love you and are grateful for you.

2009-12-19T10:06:00.006-07:00

Jason before he went in for surgery...

Our friends/caregivers had this waiting for us when Jason returned from surgery.

I'm Wide Awake

2009-12-19T03:41:00.003-07:00

It's 3:45 am and I'm laying here in my hospital bed waiting for the pain and nausea meds to kick in, and thinking about all of the truly incredible people that I have in my life supporting me. While I am obviously super grateful for the magical and inspired work of Doctor Glasgow and the medical team assigned to my complex case (he truly is an incredible man) I'm also referring to those of you that I call my friends and loved ones (one and the same to me, by the way). I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me to know that there are such selfless and loving people around me. Even those of you that may not be physically around me, I can feel your presence through the thoughts and the prayers. It is truly the thing that humbles me the most each and every day. It is truly the thing that gets me through the patches that are rough and emotional. You are the things that inspire me and give me the hope and strength to push ahead and fight on. These things aren't anything that I can repay any of you for, but they will forever be imprinted on my soul and in my heart. The power of people coming together means astonishing things.

I may seem obvious now, particularly that the surgery went so well, but I want it to be known that at no point during these last often physically trying years, would I ever consider "going back" to the person that I was prior to the "accident." I'm aware that there may be some naysayers, and a few that don't believe me, but let me reiterate again- I am more blessed today than I have been at any other point in my life. The perspective that I have been given couldn't have been learned any other way except through dealing with the heartache and adversity during the last almost 5 years. The many people, the love, the support, the guidance....none of it would be possible if I hadn't been through the physical and often emotional hell that I've been through. That is such an amazing blessing in itself, and one that I will cherish for ever and ever. And that is something that all of you have played a big part in.

So as CHRISTmas approaches this year, I am ever mindful and extremely grateful of the love that I genuinely have for each one of you. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me, and thank you for being at my side along the way. I have literally felt your presence.
Merry CHRISTmas and I love you all!
Jas

The Surgery Was Successful!

2009-12-17T16:49:00.004-07:00

Hello family and friends,

Here is the update on Jason's surgery. First, we want to emphasize that it went very well! Here is what Dr. Glasgow said:

The incision had to be quite large - not because of complications necessarily, but they had to free up a lot of bowel adhesions (where the bowel was "stuck" to the wall), which were creating kinks in the bowel. The adhesions were much worse in the left upper quadrant, near the stomach, which could explain the severe pain Jason would feel on his left side. He then placed a material he explained was much like saran-wrap that would prevent further formation of the adhesions. This was wrapped throughout the entire bowel (small and large intestines) and abdominal wall. He was very optimistic that adhesions would not form again, or at least to that degree. A new J-tube track was then created surgically, and he completely removed the J-tube that was already in place. He found no evidence of strictures or narrowing between the feeding tube tip and the segment of bowel coming down from the stomach, but he believes that the extensive adhesions were keeping the bowel from moving properly. He fully expects the J-tube feedings to be successful. The new J-tube is a much larger size than the previous, and he also said that it has a mechanism that will not spill back upward. Oral feedings should also at some point be sucessful, but it will be when there has been a little more time for healing to take place.

Prior to surgery, Jason has visibly had such great improvement from being on TPN ("food in a liquid bag form" via I.V.). However, TPN treatment cannot be done indefinitely due to how hard it is on the liver over an extended period of time. When he was coming into the hospital for the past several months into the Infusion Department, he was receiving glucose and water for hydration purposes. There was essentially no nutritional value in these hydration visits, which is why he was losing so much weight. Jason's appearance has improved over the past 17 days in the hospital, which was very exciting to see.

Dr. Glasgow is wanting to try J-tube feedings in about 2-3 days to see how things go. He states it should work with the adhesions gone.

We are so excited about the surgical results and success that Dr. Glasgow feels he was able to achieve. We are not sure when Jason will be leaving the hospital, but we will keep you posted. Please feel free to post on here any of your well wishes and thoughts for Jason as he should be starting to read them in a couple of days when he is more alert. I have not seen Jason yet, but am told he is awake, giving two thumbs up, and is also in a great deal of pain.

Thank you again for everything you all have done to support us through all of this. Your prayers and positive comments have been perfect.

Update

2009-12-17T15:38:00.002-07:00

Hi everyone! Thought I would post a quick update. They started the surgery about 2:45 and I heard from the nurse about 20 minutes ago stating that everything was going well so far. They are going to call me again at 4:00 so I will give another update soon. Thanks again for all of the support.

A day full of family time

2009-12-16T22:46:00.009-07:00

Possibilities on the Horizon

2009-12-14T20:44:00.003-07:00

After a long weekend and much thought and prayer, Dr. Glasgow, Steph, and myself all decided that surgery is the only option. We were hoping to have it done today, but have since scheduled it to Thursday.

Dr. Glasgow met with us twice today and shared his belief that if we don't try surgery to fix the problems, we are essentially giving up and accepting defeat. That was all that I needed to hear to feel good about my decision- I'm never going to give up fighting and I'll never accept defeat. I'm pretty sure that all those that love me feel the same way. I haven't gone through what I have in the last few years to lay down and accept things for how they are. That's not the way that I work. If there's a problem, give me everything that I need to understand the problem, and I will deal with it. I'm not a "brush it under the rug" kind of guy.

Also in my favor is an unbelievable medical staff here at the University Hospital. From the Doctors, to the Nurses, to the Aids, to the Janitors, they are all on my team and want nothing but the best for me. What a comforting feeling that is. I could not be in better hands. As the icing on the cake, they've even arranged for us to have a big room so that my family can come here and do CHRISTmas together. I was afraid that I was going to miss out on being with them- which would be a real bummer because I have literally been counting down the days until my siblings get here. As it now turns out, they arrive on Thursday, the day that I'm in surgery. I can't wait to wake-up and see them.

Also a heads up- this is going to be the last major surgery that I ever have, regardless of what happens. So when I come out of this recovery feeling better, I'm going to be hard to stop. I'm going to truly live every day as if it's my last. I'm never going to let a moment pass by where I don't tell a loved one how much they mean to me. I'm going to truly live my life to its fullest, however long that life may be. What I have learned in the last few years is how truly fragile life is. I've always lived my life thinking that I could "make up for it" tomorrow. I've put off things thinking that I'd do them sometime in the future. I'm not going to live this way anymore. Rather, I will wake up every morning being grateful for the breath that I take, and the people in my life. I will appreciate all that I have. I will never take anything or anyone for granted again.
And you will all know the love that I have for each and every one of you. I will forever repay all of the people that have done so much for me and my family throughout our lives.
Thank you again for all of the love and support.
God Bless you all.
Jason

Dear Family and Friends....

2009-12-11T07:26:00.003-07:00

First I just wanted to thank you... I am without adequate words to express our love and gratitude for you all. Thank you for praying for us, thank you for your words and expressions of love and support... THANK YOU.

It has been an emotional few days. As our wonderful doctor put it... "we are stuck". As Jason's case is so complicated there are no clear cut answers or solutions. This biggest problem for Jason is motility. He also has numerous adhesions in his upper GI tract. When he is hooked up to his tubes feeds he eventually becomes very nauseas and vomits. Also, his feedings leak out of his tube feed hole. In addition to all of this, there is a problem regarding health insurance coverage for Jason to be home on TPN (IV nutrition). The question is whether surgery would help or complicate problems more. The option is to go in and remove the adhesions and reconnect the bowel in several locations and revamp the feeding tube site. The problem is that this will most likely injure the bowel nerves which would result in creating more motility issues.

I am desperately asking for more prayers and fasting this weekend... for the doctors involved in Jason's care to be inspired as they make their decision on what to do. We can't say enough positive things about our medical staff and nurses. The love and concern we have felt from them is overwhelming and so reassuring that they are carefully weighing all of the options.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

With Love and Gratitude,
Steph

A Change of Plans

2009-12-10T08:32:00.004-07:00

Just a quick update- they did the study yesterday to determine the spots that needed fixing, as my surgery was scheduled for today. Unfortunately, and I feel a little odd saying this, the study showed contrast moving through my bowel at a pretty decent rate. They said that there didn't appear to be any obstructions or strictures, although they mentioned in their notes that there are a lot of adhesion's. The gist of it is this- no surgery today, and they're going to try and get my bowel cleared out of the contrast today and tomorrow. None of us are sure what the next step will be. They started my feeding tube last night and I did ok until early this morning. Then I began throwing-up bile again and shut them off. It's more than a little frustrating, but Dr. Glasgow told us last night that he would stick with us through it all. That certainly helps the stress, but the underlying problem remains, and there's not much that they can do besides medicate me. Mostly I'm ready to go home to my own bed.
I don't want to put Steph and my family through the stress any more. I've done enough of that in my life, especially during these last few years. Ugh. I can't help feelings of hopelessness right now, but I know that things will work out for the best.

I'll try and be better about updating regularly- at least with anything significant.
Thanks again for all of the love and support. I feel truly blessed to have so many incredible people supporting me. I don't necessarily feel worthy or deserving of it though- at least right now. Five years of this has been a long time. My body is worn out. I think I'm going to try and sleep most of the day. I have some cool pictures and stories that I'll post later.
LOVE to you all.
Jason & Steph

Visit from the "Little Guys"... Junior & Jesse

2009-12-05T15:31:00.008-07:00

Junior loves to give J hugs

Since Jason was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday he has really been missing his little buddies, Junior and Jesse. The hospital staff here are so fabulous and they have allowed us again to bring the dogs to Jason's room for a visit. Jesse was a little nervous with the surroundings but she did okay. Junior was all about "daddy". It really boosted Jason's spirit to see them.

Our amazing doctor, Dr. Glasgow, stopped by the hospital on his way home from skiing with his family just to check in on Jason. We were not expecting to see him until Monday. It was such a nice surprise and we feel so blessed to be in the hands of such a good man. He went over the plans for next week with us. Jason is to have an Enteroclysis study done on Monday and then when the tests are verified surgery will be on Thursday. He is planning to fix the area of his bowel that is narrowed/blocked, fix Jason's numerous hernias, and place a new feeding tube. He said the feeding tube is an updated and more "user friendly" tube. We are so hopeful! Thank you so much for the continued love, support and prayers. You have made such a huge difference in our lives and we are so grateful. THANK YOU.

Enteroclysis is an x-ray of the small intestine that looks at how a liquid called contrast moves through the area.
How the Test is Performed
This test is done in a hospital radiology department. The health care provider will insert a tube through your nose or mouth into your stomach and into part of the small bowel. Contrast (usually barium) and air flow through the tube, and x-rays are taken.
The x-ray images appear on a monitor similar to a television screen in "real time," which means they are seen as the contrast is actually moving through bowel structures.
X-rays are a form of electromagnetic radiation, as is light. They have higher energy than light, however, so they can penetrate the body to form an image on film. Areas that are dense look white, areas that are less dense look black, and other areas will be shades of gray. The contrast used for this test is dense and can be seen clearly on x-ray.
The goal of the study is to image all of the loops of small bowel. Both "real time" pictures and still images are taken. You may be asked to change positions during the exam. The test usually lasts several hours, since it may take a while for the contrast to move through the entire small bowel. (MedLinePlus Medical Encyclopedia)

Update- Fun Weekend Ahead (not)

2009-12-04T15:23:00.006-07:00

Here it is Saturday already, and I'm just now feeling like making a post. I have started feeling a lot better today. They were able to run the TPN all night, along with my feeding tube at a really low rate, so I woke up this morning without the headache that I usually have. That's a huge bonus and great news.

Something that isn't such great news is that I'm starting what the Doctors refer to as a "violent purge" any minute now in an effort to clear my bowel of 2 days worth of contrast. They need all of the contrast out of my system before they can perform another test, so that's what I will be spending the weekend doing- running to and from the bathroom (thank heavens all of the rooms are now private). Dr. Glasgow (whom I have a slight man-crush on, in a BFF kind of way) has taken over my case to determine what the problems are. My anxiety about being here has been a tad worse than in past visits, but I have no doubt that Dr. Glasgow will do whatever he can to help me with my issues. He spoke with the Doctor that performed the last endoscopy on me a few weeks ago and they determined that there is an obstruction/stricture that will require surgery to fix. This news is honestly something that both Steph and I are happy about. If there wasn't a blockage and it was just a functional issue, we were told that there wouldn't be anything that they could do for me. Although Dr. Glasgow reiterated that he doesn't want to operate on me ever again, because he's very aware of the many bullets that we've dodged in these last few years. Because of this, and from here on out, any surgery that I have is considered major surgery, which makes us all a little anxious about doing anything. Despite these feelings, Dr. Glasgow is very confident in his abilities (personally, I wouldn't let anyone but him do my procedures).

Once the contrast is cleared from my system in a couple of days, I'm going to have a tube put in my nose and down to my bowel, where they will drip contrast and take images in real-time to determine the areas that need fixing. In addition to the portion of bowel that needs work, I also have a few hernias that will also get fixed. So, it appears that I will be spending the better part of December in the hospital recovering. The last time I had a surgery this big I was in the hospital for over two months. Based on that, I'm preparing myself for CHRISTmas at the hospital. My sweetest mom has already set up a CHRISTmas tree and poinsettia, and my twin sister Lisa and her awesome family sent me some cute decorations, so I'm not doing as badly as some may think. My only disappointment is that I won't be able to spend as much time hanging out with my family when they are all in town- although I'm sure they will be visiting me a lot while I'm here. The main issue though is that the hospital is taking major precautions and not allowing anyone under the age of 16 on the floor, which means that I won't be able to see the nieces and nephews until I am discharged. I'm just hoping for the best as far as that one goes. Worst case scenario, my mom suggested that we do our annual Reynolds family CHRISTmas just the same as in years past, except that I'll be involved through a web-cam. Thank heavens for the incredible technology that we have.

For now, the plan is to clear my bowel over the weekend and do the enterocolitis (tube in nose) on Monday, with surgery coming possibly Wednesday or Thursday of next week.

The bottom line is that my bowel is really messed-up (no pun intended). I feel that if I'm able to gain even a little bit of weight, I'll fight my way out of this rut. I've got too many big plans for 2010- so I'm giving myself the until end of February to get healthier, and I will do absolutely anything to get healthy as quickly as possible. That's anything. I'm going to need to relearn how to eat and drink and to use the toilet. That's honestly pretty funny to me. I'm like a toddler in that respect- with the anatomy of an old man. That's some funny stuff really.

I have to run now, but either Steph or myself will keep you all posted on what's going on. I won't ever again ask for your thoughts or prayers, because I'm positive that I've used up my allotment in the last few years, and there are others that are more needy at this time, but please know how much I appreciate all that you've done for me and my family. I wouldn't be alive today if not for the incredible support that I've been shown.
Thanks to all of you.
Much love.
Jason :)

Another Quick Note

2009-12-01T15:58:00.002-07:00

Dr. Glasgow, my fabulous Surgeon and friend, took one look at me today and admitted me. He is going to run a bunch of tests and start me on TPN. I just got to my room and am going to take a little nap. Glad to have stuff being done. Melissa once again got things moving for me- she is THE best patient-advocate.

To All of My Friends

2009-11-30T16:25:00.002-07:00

Hey all- real quick, the CT scan got rescheduled to tomorrow morning. So because I'm going to have to get up a lot earlier than normal to start trying to keep the barium down, I'm heading to bed now. Just thought I'd give a quick heads-up. Also, will those of you that leave comments send me your personal emails, so that I can email you back? And yes, I'm including you in that Els :)
Thanks!
Love to you all.
Jason

More New News

2009-11-27T22:41:00.003-07:00

Something of significance happened today. The University of Utah infusion staff had arranged for me to get my IV fluids at the ER while they were closed for the holiday. We went at the perfect time, and only saw 30 patients in the waiting room as we left, most of them overweight cardiac patients that were probably out in the cold just before eating firsts, seconds, and fourths during their holiday, and now feel some pressure in their chests. With my weight hovering around 100 pounds, I looked completely out of place there today. They were all sick from eating, and I despise eating, as my skeleton shows. The Doctor commented that even though there were some genuinely sick people, I was "by far" the sickest patient in there, and "by far" the most gracious and jovial. I think that he even referred to me as lively at one point. I can't remember the last time someone referred to me as lively. Let me also tell you what a difference it makes when you are jovial, slightly self-deprecating, and respectful to the people you come in contact with. It doesn't take much effort to be polite and respectful I see it every day. It's during the times that I'm at my worst physically that I seem to have the biggest impact on others. I'm getting off of topic a bit tho...just something to think about.

So after having gone without any food for 4 days, (you can actually survive 10) I had Steph stop by East Coast Subs in Murray to get my all-time favorite sandwich- the philly cheese steak. And when I say Philly, I mean Philly, as in 'Pats' and 'Ginos' idea of philly. I'm pretty sure that they even use the cheese whiz. It's the first thing that's sounded appealing to me in weeks. After devouring the delicious aforementioned meal this afternoon, it took me nearly 6 hours before it came back up-mixed with a little bile. The good news you ask? I don't believe that it all came up, It still feels like there's more left in me, or some of it absorbed. In addition to this slightly inspiring news, I also was able to have a bowel movement after over a week. It may seem funny to some and gross to others, but to me, this is good happenings. So I got that going for me, which is nice :)

Just a positive note before I go to bed :)
Good night to all!

Some Changes

2009-11-25T21:04:00.003-07:00

Ok, I'm just going to get this out of the way so that I can get onto other things that I want to mention this Thanksgiving holiday (my very least favorite) there has been a change of plans concerning my health/recovery. After deciding to go ahead with the TPN, my Doctor ordered labs before I could schedule having the surgery to place the Hickman. After getting the results and consulting with my surgeon, they decided to hold off until I can have another CT scan. Apparently I am bleeding internally somewhere, and they need to try and find out where it's coming from and what's causing it. I've had blood mixed in with my stool for so long now that I didn't really consider it an issue. There has never been enough blood to make me believe that anything unusual was going on. We're not entirely sure what all of this means, but we're trying to take things a day at a time. That's the only way that we can live these days- not knowing what the next 30 minutes may hold.

Because of the holiday, the soonest that they could get me in for the CT is Monday- and that's with our fabulous friend Melissa pulling some strings. With the infusion room getting a much deserved break, I'm going to be spending the next two days being infused in the ER. This isn't a big deal to me, mostly because Thanksgiving is a tough holiday for someone that can't eat. For the past 2 years I've full-on skipped this holiday, choosing to stay home alone away from the sights, sounds, and smells. Just imagining stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, and all that fresh bread will probably make me throw-up bile in 30 minutes. Yikes. It's not like any other holiday. Most every other holiday centers on something other than food. Thanksgiving is all about food. You see the problem.

So instead of subjecting my loved ones to violent noises coming from the bathroom every 30 minutes, I'm going to try and sleep through the day as much as possible. It may help a little if there was someone other than the Cowboys or Lions playing on TV, but they will only make my nausea worse. Don't fret for me though people, and instead each of you take an extra bite of everything for me. Nobody will mind, and you are doing it for a good cause :) And don't skip the pumpkin pie.

From my experience the key to living a content life is gratitude. Simply being grateful for all that you have. Not the things that you want or hope to have, but the things that you have right now. If things don't seem so great right now, then be grateful for the things that you have been blessed with throughout your life. I am most thankful today for the amazing support system that I have around me. I have the most amazing brothers and sisters. I have the most amazing parents. I have the most amazing wife. I have the most amazing kids. I have the most amazing friends. I have the most loving God. I have so much to be grateful for.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
Much love.

New News

2009-11-19T22:40:00.004-07:00

Steph and I spent the day at the hospital. We met with my main GI Doctor about what are options are now, given the issues that I've had recently. We received some good news, and some not-so-good news.

Let me first say that the Doctor was 100% sure of what he thinks needs to happen. This is a comforting thing for both Steph and I. It's sometimes good to have someone making the decisions for us. Not that we can't decide for ourselves, but more that he is the expert, and he knows my case better than anyone else, including me. After considering my current health and the issues I've had the past few months, he has decided to put me on TPN for the next 6 months. TPN is basically IV nutrition. My Doctor suggested that we give my bowel a break. For any number of reasons, I have been having reverse peristalsis- meaning that instead of my bowel squeezing everything downward, its been squeezing it the opposite way, resulting in constant bouts of bile-puking all day and night (or whenever my body produces the bile). This is something that has been going on ever since the operation in October of 2008. I'm pretty sure that you all remember numerous posts about it. The cause could be because of nerve damage, overuse, poor motility, etc., and may be causing some of the additional issues that I've had.

So his thinking is, we give my bowel and gut a break while I'm being "fed" through a Hickman line- which is essentially a pik-line that has been surgically implanted in my chest. The obvious hope is that I will gain some weight and strength, while being able to avoid putting anything into my mouth or my feeding tube. If nothing is going in either place, I will hopefully throw-up less, which will also help with the constant pain that I feel in my abdomen. That's the good news.

The bad news is that in order for my insurance/Medicare to cover the cost of getting TPN, I have to either be admitted to the hospital (which I obviously wouldn't want to do for 6 months) or 100% home-bound. That's 'home-bound' as in can't leave the house for any reason other than Doctor/hospital visits....ever. Because of rampant insurance fraud, they are very strict with their rules and they make no exceptions. As long as they continue to pay for me to be on TPN I won't be able to leave the house. Not at Christmas, not to visit my kids, not to go to Church, not to do anything. Total home-confinement. I'm not sure how excited I am for that. I was really looking forward to hanging out with my siblings when they come in town for Christmas- now it appears that I will only get to hang out with them if they come visit me here. At least we're in a house now- I can't imagine how hard it would be if we were still in the apartment. At least I feel really comfortable here- it feels like home to me now. That's a good thing. All that's needed is a change of perspective, and things won't seem so bad. The possibilities are promising though, and if I can get out of the current rut I've been in and get healthy, then it will be more than worth it.
Thank heavens for the Internet and Direct TV :)
Maybe I'll even get better with posting on my blog.
Much love to you all.

Getting Caught Up

2009-11-15T21:42:00.004-07:00

I thought I'd take a moment and write a quick post to get caught up on all that's been going on in my life lately. My health continues to struggle, and some days seem so long that I don't think they will ever end. My new J-tube for feeding flushes just fine. The problem comes when my body begins producing bile to break the food down. As has been the case for the last few years, it's not working its way through my bowel, but instead it comes out of my mouth. You wouldn't believe how much comes out of my mouth unless you saw it for yourself- something I'll try to never deliberately show. I continue to fight staying nourished and hydrated on a daily basis. I'm still getting IV infusions for up to 4 hours every day at the hospital. Thank Heavens for the abilities and expertise of the hospital workers that care for me. I fell that they save my life every day that I see them. Not much has changed with me, so until there's something different to report, I'll wander into another, more pressing topic.

Just recently my dad had a major surgery to replace his shoulder. That's right- it was a shoulder replacement. I'd heard of hip replacements before, but never of shoulder replacements. Or maybe it's not that I hadn't heard of them but more that I've never known anyone that has been through such a surgery. The good news is that the surgery went great, and he is now home resting up. Anyone that knows my dad knows that resting up isn't one of his favorite things to do. He's a worker, meaning that he's always doing something constructive. Everything he does is with meaning. And he is the single hardest working man I have ever known. Bar none. This is a quality that he passed down to his kids, and I consider myself so blessed that he did.

From as early an age as I can remember, I was working. Not that I had a full-time salaried position. My dad taught me to work hard by working hard himself- and often taking me along to help. When I was just a little guy, unable to pound a nail into a board myself, I would follow alongside my dad, and he would show me how things were done. I remember how excited I would get when he would take me with him to work. It was just as cool as when he would take me to a hockey game. Being with my dad, watching the way that he did things, and then hopefully learning enough through his tutelage to do it on my own. No matter what the job, my dad did it well. When dad was going to do something, he did it 100%, or at least to the very best of his ability. You just get in there and do the work- that's how you become a hard worker. And what's the point of doing something if you're only going to do it half-ace. I thank God every day for the many lessons that I have learned because of my dad. I thank God every day for my dad being such an incredible role-model for myself and for all of the Reynold's family to have in our lives. I sincerely thank God every day for my dad.

And dad, if you are reading this, thank you for being the man that I have always looked-up to and wanted desperately to become. You are an amazing man and the best father a kid could ever ask for. I love my dad.

The "Little Guys"

2009-11-08T21:14:00.003-07:00

Junior (6) and Jesse (11 months)

"Mmmm...Great Success" Borat

2009-11-06T19:13:00.004-07:00

Steph drove me to the hospital this morning for my 9:30 J-tube replacement. We met with the Doctor prior to the procedure and talked for a bit. He had already spoken with my GI Doctors about my case, and he wanted to go over some things with us. He was really angry when he found out that I have gone a month without the use of my tube, and he immediately implemented a new policy- anytime my tube breaks or has an issue and cannot be accessed, they will take care of it within 24 hours. That is really good to know for future reference. He said that we had been misinformed and that if he had known anything about my last few wks, he would have come in on the weekend if necessary. Again, great for future reference.

Deciding that I'd rather not spend the day groggy from the sedation, I opted to tough it out and have the procedure without any meds. There were points that I felt like my bowels were having a tube shoved through them, but in the end I'm glad that I chose to go without the drugs. Anytime they have to use sedation on you, the potential risks increase. In fact, there are many deaths every year that result from the use of these powerful sedatives. Micheal Jackson is a case in point. Propofol is used on me every time I go in for scopes or tube-replacements. Not to get off on a tangent here....

So I have a new tube that flushed contrast through and seemed to work. The real test will come in 24 hours when I am able to hook-up to my feedings again. While doing the procedure he also found the spot(s) where there's a stricture in my bowel. This would explain why I keep throwing-up what should be going out the other end. The Doctor told Steph and I that the problems that I've been having won't be corrected with a new tube. He also said that the ultimate reason for my health issues has to do with my anatomy not functioning properly, and no matter what happens with the tube, I will always have problems eating or drinking by mouth. And more than likely, I will battle hydration and nourishment issues for as long as I live.

To be honest, I appreciate everyone that is honest and direct with me, especially at this stage in my life. I don't feel that I have the time for anything else. I'm the type of person that needs to know what I'm dealing with so that I can best prepare myself. Besides, I'm going to need to know the facts before I can form a plan of attack. I can't find the answer if I don't know the question. Regardless of what happens to my body, I still have the most blessed life. Truly. Sometimes though, the facts are a little hard to take.

The is all the result of a routine and relatively minor surgery gone horrifically bad. Because of one Doctors mistake, I will be stuck dealing with the same physical issues day in and day out, or until my body has finally gone through too much. One unfocused Surgeon took 30+ years from my life in an instant. Sometimes it's really hard for me to fathom. So instead of being able to work and take care of my family, I will have to keep my health my full-time job. The harder I work at my job, the longer I may live. That should make a person want to work extra hard, and it does me too.

The question I'm really struggling with at this moment- how do I live the best possible life that I can live, under the circumstances? I desperately want to start working again. Preferably at something other than my health. I need to take care of my family. It costs money to live. How do I do this? The monthly medical bills are always going to be outrageous, and if I don't qualify for Medicare, I will have to pay with cash, because I am totally uninsurable. Even if someone would hire me, how am I supposed to work while spending hours every day at the hospital flat on my back?

Honestly, no amount of money will change my life. If I won the $300 million dollar Powerball tomorrow, my focus would need to be the exact same as it was today. I will still battle episodes of dehydration and malnourishment, and my body will continue to age at an alarming rate. My point here is this- regardless of whatever life-issues I may be dealing with, I count my blessings each and every day. I thank The Lord for allowing me to continue living. I'm even grateful for the opportunity to stress about life's struggles, along with everyone else. This may sound really odd to some people, and there are some that may choose not to believe me. What I know for certain though- Life is a blessing. Being alive. Taking a breath. Struggling to pay the bills. All of it. Life is good. No matter what happens, I am genuinely blessed because I am alive.
Thanks again for all of the love and support :)
Much of my happiness wouldn't exist if not for you.

The Time is Almost Here....

2009-11-05T17:08:00.003-07:00

It's early Thursday evening, I've got Jay-Z blasting in the background, and Steph dancing around while cleaning, as I rap along with the lyrics (I sound exactly like him). Life doesn't get much better than this, as far as I'm concerned.

Every day I have to think about what day of the week it is. The days have blended together over the last week or so. Tomorrow is Friday, the day that will hopefully turn things around for me health-wise. It's just a routine tube replacement, but if there's one thing I know it's how routine things sometimes don't go as planned.

The last week has been pretty tough. By tomorrow morning I will have gone without the use of my feeding tube for just shy of four weeks. That's nearly a month without any real nourishment, except for what may get absorbed between the time that I eat, and the time it comes back up. No wonder I've been feeling like crap every waking moment of every day. It's hard to imagine going without food for even a day at a time, unless you are in the situation that I have been in. Although my anatomy isn't working properly, I'm constantly amazed at how strong my body has been in keeping me alive these past few weeks. I'm also amazed at how long my body can survive on hydration alone. For as much as I may curse certain areas of my body, I'm truly grateful for what it has gone through during the last 4 1/2 years.

So for an update on my health. We dealt with a case of bad timing earlier in the week, as both of my Doctors were on vacation. That left us completely in limbo as to what our next step should be. The expert J-tube Doctor tried the best that he could to get a tube down my nose and into my bowel. Despite valiant efforts on multiple occasions, he wasn't able to get beyond what we now know is a stricture. Because of all the scar tissue and organ overuse, my bowel has multiple areas of concern. It's really messed-up. Beyond repair in fact. I probably wouldn't survive a major surgery right now anyway, so that's nothing that we didn't already figure. So the plan now is to have me go in tomorrow for a total J-tube replacement, using the existing tract. We were hoping to have the Doctor move the tube into a different spot, maybe an area that isn't as worked-over as the rest. Unfortunately the Doctor doesn't feel good about doing that, although I'd rather him not work on me if he doesn't feel confident that he could help anything, so there's no hard feelings.

Steph on the other hand has been really stressed-out. She, along with all of my caretakers at the hospital, have been fighting to help me living a quality life for as long as possible. They have each mentioned that they are seeing me die more and more each day, right in front of their eyes. I pretend to not know what they are talking about, and I make a self-deprecating joke pretending that I don't really care, but I see it for myself every time that I look in the mirror. It's skin on bone. It has a grayish-yellow tint. It has bruises all over it, probably due to malnutrition. It's so fragile that it tires after only having moved 10 feet from the bed to the bathroom. It's my body, and it's exhausted.

Despite my body wearing out, my soul has never been more content. It's a feeling that words can't describe, but it is very real. My spirit is strong and ready to fight for life and everything that I believe in. Spiritually, I am more content than I have ever been before. I thank God for every moment that I have been given, and for the many incredible blessings that me and my family have received throughout our lives. He has always been there for me, especially since my health started going bad.

I don't know what my weight is at the moment, only because it can fluctuate up to 25 pounds depending on whether or not I am hydrated. That's another one of those things that you don't think about unless it's happening to you. Seriously, how many people wonder each day if they are properly hydrated?

Anyway, Steph and I are thinking about either going back to the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Arizona (we went there for a week a couple of years ago to have some tests done) or to Newport Beach, California to see a certain GI Specialist. Nothing personal towards my brilliant GI Doctors now, we're just thinking that a fresh set of eyes may be helpful. We've exhausted pretty much every option at this point, so I don't see where it could hurt. We remark daily about how incredibly fortunate we are to have such an amazing family, and such amazing friends. We have never felt so much love and support than we've felt the past few weeks. I'm convinced that it's the reason that I'm being kept around. If not for the thoughts and prayers, I wouldn't have made it this far, and there wouldn't be much hope in the future. Because of your concern and support, I feel that there isn't anything that I cannot overcome. I know that my mission isn't completed yet, and that I will be here until it is.
Thank you for helping us on this journey. I'll keep you posted on how things go tomorrow. One day at a time- that's all we can do right now. Things change so quickly from moment to moment, that it's pointless to plan ahead. We just don't know what tomorrow holds, but at this moment I'm doing ok.
Much love to you all.
Talk soon.
Jason

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

2009-10-30T22:02:00.003-06:00

I can't believe that almost a week has passed since my last post. I wish that I were writing about all of the fun things that I've been doing. Like maybe I'm just getting back in town after spending the last few days traveling across the country watching post-season baseball. Or that I'm just getting home from a fishing trip to Alaska with the men in my family. Or that after a difficult week, Steph and I jetted off to San Francisco to spend some quality time together on the Northern California coast.

Truth be told though, the title of this post is a bit misleading. At any point in the last week I couldn't have told you what day it was. I've been going to the hospital every day from 10-3 for infusions. I have not had access to the feeding tube that needs replacing, so I can't shoot anything through it. When I eat or drink by mouth I throw it up soon after. For most of this past week I've been breaking my days into 15 minute increments. When the pain and suffering become so bad that I can't focus on anything else, I glance at the clock and tell myself that I'm going to make it for 15 minutes. After doing this for a few hours, I will hopefully get distracted by something else, or I'll fall asleep. Either scenario has been fine with me. I just need to make it through the moments that are particularly rough, and that's the way that I've been living/surviving.

Now the facts. The new amazing J-tube Doctor that worked my case all of last week had to leave town for this entire week. In fact, all 3 of my main Doctors are currently out of town. Despite a few procedures to try to fix/replace my broken feeding tube, nothing has been done. I am still without a working feeding tube going on 2 weeks now. That's 2 weeks without any nourishment. That's 2 weeks without a bowel movement. That's 2 weeks of pain and suffering, and I'm physically exhausted. I don't have the strength needed to fight through this "bump in the road" on my own. Fortunately for me I always have God on my side, in addition to the angels that he has sent to help me, including my wife, my family members, and the workers at the hospital. Things will work out- I know that they will. I just need to find a way out of the rut that I've been in the last few weeks.

My Doctors have been considering my complicated case, trying to come up with the best possible solution. My case isn't an easy one, nor am I what one would consider a straight-forward patient. My body and organs are starting to wear down even quicker than I thought they would. I'm at the point where we have to make a few difficult decisions about our course of action- one in which there's no great solution, and either way we choose has more bumps that we'll have to deal with. But I'm at that point where I don't care what's done, just make the quality of my life better in some way- any way. I'm in need of something miraculous, and I'm totally planning on another miracle. I spend my days at infusion and then I come home to bed. Because my abdominal pain is so severe, I rarely sleep. Even when I manage to doze-off I'm immediately awaken by sharp stabbing pains in my side. Every time I move, breath, or speak, the muscles around my abdomen constrict, which causes me intense pain, and I'm woken-up. And then I repeat the same cycle again every day that follows. It's getting a little ridiculous. I'm hoping that I don't end up in the ER this weekend, and that things start getting taken care of early next week. I'm at a critical stage in my recovery right now, and I need help to get to where I want to be. Honestly, I'm just trying to get through today.

I was able to see Josh last night for the first time in awhile when my mom brought he and his friend Ralph over to visit. It was so great seeing him and he's grown up so much. I wore my mask the entire time that they were with us, as I do every time I set foot outside of the house. Contracting something right now would make surgery to replace my tube impossible. In fact, we've been told that getting the flu would probably kill me. We are basically quarantined except for the time I'm at infusion, not able to be around family and friends, church, kids, or groups. My social life has literally become my hospital visits.

Despite all of this, I continue to feel blessed for all that I've been given. I know that I will face some difficult roads ahead, and I'm trying my hardest to muster all of the strength left in me to keep up the fight. Thank goodness for the amazing people in my life- I wouldn't be alive without them. I've been feeling too crummy to even use my laptop lately, but either myself or Steph will be providing updates if anything changes. Even though I feel like I've already used up my thought/prayer quota's, please keep us in your thoughts over the weekend. Oh, and happy Halloween!
Much love to you all.
Jas

No Set-Back, But Another Rough Day

2009-10-23T19:24:00.009-06:00

I got home from the hospital a couple of hours ago. The surgery today didn't go as planned. My awesome Doctor had a brilliant idea to place an NG tube in my nose and down to my bowel, so that I could gain a little weight before replacing the J-tube. We were all really excited about this plan and the possibilities it could provide.

Unfortunately, when he tried getting the tube to the position in my bowel that he wanted, it got stuck up and wasn't able to advance any further. This is all because my bowel is so messed-up from the trauma it has gone through during the last few years.

The good news though, my Doctor is going to think about my case over the weekend and decide what to do from here. Currently I still have no way of feeding or hydrating, and I'm supposed to avoid contact with people until I can gain a bit of weight and get a little healthier. Every one's so scared about me getting the flu, which they say would be fatal for me. To say that I wasn't at all frustrated would be a lie- I am pretty frustrated. But what can I do? I unfortunately have very little control these days over what my body does. Most likely, I'll need to have another procedure on Monday or Tuesday to place a new tube. I'm not sure what they are going to do about the piece of tube that is still in my bowel. The surgery for that would be way too risky given my current health. My Surgeon told us that he wouldn't operate on me until January at the earliest unless it were a life and death situation. When he told us that news I was 170 pounds and able to hydrate and feed through my J-tube on my own. I was considered a lot healthier back then, and that was only a few months ago.

It's crazy how quickly things can go downhill. I'm mostly feeling so blessed to have such amazing people in my life, not least of which is my Doctors, family, and friends. It may seem hard for some people to believe, but I don't consider myself "unlucky" at all. I often hear people say things like, "if it's something bad, it's going to happen to Jason," and "how unlucky can a person get." Some people have said that a black cloud must follow me around. I don't blame anyone for thinking this stuff- if I heard my story I wouldn't believe it either. Despite this, I continue to go through most days thinking that I should buy lottery tickets because I'm sure that I would win. Seriously. I don't buy lottery tickets because I wouldn't want what else comes with a lot of money- not for me, and not for anyone that I care about. I'm getting off topic here though. My point is, even with my sometimes poor health, I think that I'm living the dream. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'll take crazy over ungrateful any day of the week. I'm genuinely blessed and appreciative of everything and everyone that I am fortunate to have in my life.

Thanks again for all of the love and support. I'm totally convinced that it's what's keeping me around :)

Our Bodies Are Miracles

2009-10-21T22:06:00.006-06:00

I just thought I'd do a quick update on what's gone on the past couple of days. I went in for a tube replacement after infusion today (which was so nice not having to get poked 3 times to get an IV). The good news is that I had who is probably the best J-tube Doctor in the world doing my procedure. He is brilliant. Just like my entire team of Doctors are. I've been really blessed that way.

At first he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to get the push-scope down far enough into my bowel to replace it. Despite this concern, he pushed forward beyond the realm of common practice (possibly egged-on by the amazing Nurses in the GI lab) until he could find the problem. Which he took a big step towards today. Apparently my J-tube had broken off and was somewhere in my GI tract. He didn't find the broken piece anywhere, but he told Steph that it could definitely be the reason that I've been having such bad abdominal pain lately. So, where he wasn't able to replace the tube today, he will hopefully be doing so under general anesthesia on Friday. He's trying to squeeze me into an already over-booked schedule. He's hoping to start the operation at 11:00 (it's contingent on whether or not the anaesthetise can be there then) and said it should last 2 hours. I'm just happy to have something and someone validate my feelings that something wasn't right. That's my darn ego for you :)

I'm honestly feeling a lot of hope, which is something that you can never have enough of, as far as I am concerned. We're all hoping and praying that he will fix whatever isn't working properly (which is an obvious stretch, but I kind of like getting carried away) and after doing so, my health will improve. Sometimes you really do have to take a few steps back before you can move forward, and I'm going to run forward when I get the chance. There's so much that I have left to do- I just need my over-worked anatomy to push a little bit harder to get us out of this rut. I'm honestly grateful for how truly miraculous my body has been over the last 4 1/2 years. I feel blessed that it has taken me this far, particularly considering how rough I treated it at times.

Truth be told, I'm not being at all unrealistic about my future. I know as well as anyone how truly fragile our lives are. One moment everything is comfortable, and the next it's flipped on its head. I've been to places that I wouldn't want anyone that I care about to go. I've felt things that I wouldn't wish on anyone that I may have once considered an enemy.

Yet through it all, my faith has been strengthened and my spirit is alive and well. In fact, it's better than it has ever been before in my life. I'm beginning to learn patience- though that one may take awhile, but I'm still learning. I'm learning to show respect to other people in a sincere and genuine way. I'm learning to love unconditionally and at times intensely. No one is as lucky as I am- I know this to be a fact. All of my family, all of my friends, my Doctors and Nurses..... everyone. They are what I am living for. As long as I have a vehicle (not my black Cadillac) to get me around, I can go anywhere and do anything. I know this to be a fact as well. I only wish that there was more time in the day to spend with the people that I love and that love me. God has other plans for me, and I'm looking forward to serving Him.

Good things ahead :)
Thank you for the thoughts and prayers :)
Jason

To My Readers.....

2009-10-19T19:58:00.005-06:00

While I'm not really in the mood to write at the moment, I had to make a quick post. It is truly inspired by something greater than myself- that I am sure of.

I had a pretty rough day today. Honestly, it was one of the worst days that I've had in a long time. I wasn't even going to turn on my computer after I got home from the hospital this afternoon. I mostly wanted to go in and sleep. I've had a rough couple of weeks in general, physically and emotionally, but the last few days have been the worst that I can remember. I'm really struggling to keep the fight up, and I'm feeling unusually frustrated. I've been wondering what my worth is. I've been missing the physical body that I had 5 years ago. Not the person, just the body. I'm scared that I won't ever be the person that I was, physically speaking, before I got sick. I've been missing being able to do the sorts of things that you would expect a husband, father, son, brother, and friend to do. Nothing spectacular or fancy, just the normal stuff that an able bodied Jason once did without much effort. These days, showering is an effort.

Yesterday my tube broke just below the connector, meaning that I had no way of stopping what would come out. It's bilious crap, to be honest, and it's really disgusting. Aside from the terrible smell, and the fact that whatever it gets on is ruined, I have no way to put anything in it until the whole thing is surgically replaced. The soonest that they could get me in was next Monday, which obviously wouldn't work because I'd be shriveled-up and dead by that time. Fortunately one of my Nurse friends talked with my awesome GI Doctor and he arranged to have it replaced on Wednesday.

I don't want to get into the other stuff today, at least until I've been able to think about it for a bit, but it's not anything more life-threatening than other day. I don't have an infection, and my Picc-line is doing ok. I've been spending 3 or 4 hours at the hospital each day infusing, and I feel pretty good over-all. The news is more of a lifestyle issue. I'll post about it another day.

Tonight I wanted to thank all of you. I can't begin to tell you how much having this blog has helped me. I started it just as an update for family and friends on the surgical stuff and my recovery. It's turned into something else for me though. It's a way that I feel connected to the world, even though I'm not physically able to do much. I truly don't feel deserving of most of the praise that I receive, or the thoughts and prayers from of all of you. I appreciate it all more than I can ever express. In fact, words can't describe most of what I feel. Whether a comment posted by family and friends, an email from an online friend, or a note from someone that I've never met, it's all positive energy that I feel deep within me. It goes straight to my soul. Not sure if that makes any sense. I don't know if I should single anyone out because I'm not sure if they want their names blurted about, but I have a lot of people to thank.

The point here is, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm lucky to have the family and friends that I have. You're the reason I wouldn't trade my life with anyone else. Even some of you that I haven't met yet (one day, I know it). For every thought and prayer, thank you.

I have learned to appreciate the moments you are given, every single one of them, and to live your life to its fullest. It took me having to go through the health struggles that I've dealt with these last few years to realize that happiness is not something that we find, but something we create. Remember that.
I love each and every one of you.

Just Be Real...

2009-10-15T17:33:00.003-06:00

I need to apologize for being so "distant" with the posting lately. I've honestly been distant from life, distant from my family, distant from the things that I love and am passionate about....I'm not meaning to be self-critical here, and I'm certainly not meaning to sound dramatic. As many people already know, my physical health has been struggling the last couple of months. For whatever reason, my abdominal organs (or what's left of them) aren't working the way that they should. I literally feel "toxic" inside. Especially during the last week or so, when I've been struggling every day to keep hydrated and nourished. The medications that I have to use to clear my bowel out (which I'm supposed to be doing every 2-3 days) are so strong that I'm worried what they are doing to my system. I'm sore all over my abdomen. My insides feel like they're burning. The stuff that I throw-up is so disgusting, I'm going to refrain from even saying it. I skipped infusion today because I can't stand up without liquid running down my leg. Depends don't even work to contain the substance. Throughout the day and night, a similar substance creeps up my throat and into my mouth. I can't do anything to contain it. I literally sleep with a wad of really strong cinnamon gum in my mouth to help hide the constant taste. That's why I carry around a dozen washcloths and constantly fear grossing someone out. I'm probably overly self-conscious these days, but it's a consistent and valid worry I have.

You couldn't have convinced me 3 months ago that I would be at the point that I'm currently at. At that point I was mostly recovered from another miracle surgery performed in October of 2008. That surgery entailed my genius friend and Surgeon removing my stomach and part of my bowel that had become obstructed. He made five new connections, none of which leaked and are still in tact today (I hope). One week after doing this difficult procedure, I had to be rushed into surgery again. While hanging out recovering and visiting with Steph and my Dad and Mom in my room (where they were every single day of my 6 week stay, by the way) the Doctors looked at a particular area of my abdomen that hurt and seemed to be leaking fluid. We were all shocked, Doctors especially, when they removed a few staples. A geyser of fluid spilled out of the whole they'd created. It lasted for what seemed like minutes, but was in actuality only seconds. After they cleaned up the area with towels and gauze they looked in amazement at the sight before them. Everyone in the room, my parents and Steph included, looked straight through the hole in my skin and saw my bowel. Apparently my Port-A-Cath had become infected and disintegrated my stomach fascia and the muscle surrounding it. I was immediately rushed to the OR where we met with a specialist that had been called in to assist with the procedure. A 6" by 6" piece of pigskin, called 'Pigoderm' was placed where my abdominal wall had once been. Just a fluky thing that was nobodies fault, but it's my reality.

I've come to the realization that I will never again be able to eat as I had eaten for 34 years. Food that used to make me salivate isn't appealing anymore. I don't look forward to eating, knowing that I'm either going to throw it up, or it will cause me pain. I don't even want to take the medicines that will make me feel better because I end up swallowing the dissolved pill over and over again. It just comes up into my mouth, regardless of what I do to try and prevent it.

Maybe a lot of my feelings have to do with expectations. I need to lower the ones that I've had for my body. It''s not that I'm giving up hope- just the opposite in fact. I want to know the problem so I can work out a way to solve the problem. I want to take advantage of the time that I've been given.....again. I want to learn to live life to the fullest that I am capable of. So what if I have to go to the hospital every day for IV infusions- a lot of my good friends are there. I want, I want, I want....

Lots of love to all of you out there.
Thank you for all the love and support- it's what's keeping me here.
I'll be better with posting :)

Getting Settled Back Into Life....

2009-10-11T15:43:00.006-06:00

Yet again, I wasn't really aware of how many days had passed since my last post. I didn't even really know what day of the week it was. Man does time fly by when you're having fun :)

So we're still in the process of getting moved. Things are starting to get organized, and this new place is starting to feel like home. It has already begun to change our lives, and I'm happy to report, despite having an unusually tough week physically, I'm starting to feel as though I'm turning a corner. I don't think that I've gained any weight yet, but I'm not losing any. I've actually started "working out" (parenthesis because it probably wouldn't be considered as such by many people) and I've started to see some muscle instead of just skin and bones. The Nurse even told Steph and I today that I look a lot better than I did a few days ago. Her exact words were, "you're not sunken-in and grey." So, I've got that going for me, which is nice. The Nurse checked my labs and said that they looked good. The truth is, I can stay alive a long time doing what I'm doing now. I'd like to be a little healthier than I was this last week, but I'm not going start begging.....yet :)

For the past few days I've been doing a bowel purge (remember the medical term for it, "violent purge") and I'm starting to feel that I'm clearing it out. I'm no Doctor, but I feel what is going on in my body, and how it works. It's taken me almost 5 years to learn what I know now. What I feel is this: First, what I know for certain. I have no stomach. I've had one-third of my bowel removed. I have a 4 inch Dacron graft holding my aorta together. I have a lot of scar tissue around every organ from many surgeries and overuse. My pancreas and liver don't function as they should. Due to gastroparesis resulting from the initial surgical error, my bowel doesn't work properly. It won't push things through and often gets clogged. It may work one minute, but then not work again for days, weeks, or even months. Whenever I do have a bowel movement it has the consistency of water. Because of this, I often struggle with feeling self-conscious and gross. I've even resorted to wearing a diaper, which has been tough on my ego and whatever pride I have left. When there is a blockage, or the upper part of my bowel is full, whatever goes in my mouth or J-tube has nowhere to go. Simple gravity allows some things to move downward, but anything more solid than water will usually be thrown-up. About an hour after I've thrown-up whatever I had put in my mouth or my J-tube, my body starts producing bile acids in an effort to break down the substance for digestion. Except there's no substance left, because I have already puked it up. The bile usually has no place to go either, so it too ends up coming out of my mouth. Sometimes though, the bile will move through one of the 6 different connections that I now have, and exit where it should- as straight bile. Let me also mention- whatever the bile gets on, it permanently stains. What's really crazy to me though is that my body starts producing bile as soon as I think of or smell something good.

For example, a couple of weeks ago one of the Nurses at the infusion lab brought in a peach pie that she had made the night before. It smelled so good that I smelled it as soon as I walked in the room. I started salivating like Pavlov's dogs and an hour later I was in the bathroom, hovering over the toilet, throwing-up bright yellow bile. Because I threw-up so much during the first 2 years of this, all of my teeth had to be replaced with crowns. Because I still throw-up so much, I will likely be in dentures while still in my 40's. At least I have a full head of hair :)

My anatomy has worked so hard to keep me alive these past four and a half years. In fact, despite feeling sick and/or sore 99% of the day, my body has done some amazing things. Sometimes I get a little frustrated with it, but lately I've been so fascinated with how amazing my body is. Every morning that I wake-up I feel blessed to have made it through another night. These last few days were particularly dicey, not necessarily because of my health, but mostly because I feel exhausted. The fact is, the human body will one day wear out. We all have to face that fact. Another fact is that life can be changed in an instant. Much can be said for living a long life, but isn't how you lived more important than how long? Quality is more important to me than quantity. It seems like I could come up with a few other cliches here, but I'll spare you that for now.

Until next time remember this- a lot had to happen for you and I to be here, dealing with this rambling post. You have suffered, and you have been blessed. You have loved, and you have lost. You have been happy, and you have been sad. You have succeeded, and you have failed. You have made poor choices, and you have made good ones. But none of it matters right now. You have this moment, and you are promised nothing more. Don't waste another minute longing for something that you haven't already been given. Every breath that we take is the greatest gift that we can own. When you consider mortality, what is better than being alive?

New Picc-Line, Same Problems

2009-10-03T22:15:00.004-06:00

As most of you reading are aware, last Wednesday my Doctor wrote the order and I had a Picc-line placed in the upper part of my right arm, almost at my armpit. So I came home following the procedure in a very optimistic mood. I was hoping and planning for the best- which to me these days doesn't mean a full or even partial recovery, but I instead hope for an improvement in the quality of my life. So many people in our western culture put more emphasis on quantity, not quality. "The more the better" they say. This is not how I have been living my life lately. I am much more energized about the quality of my life improving, and I don't worry too much about how long it will last. There's no point in looking too far ahead, I believe.

So Wednesday evening was great. I spent it with Steph, the dogs, and our great friend Jen, who has been in town from California helping us get packed up to move. I was so thrilled about the prospects of the Picc-line, and the idea that I could improve my health enough to get over this hump that I've seemed to have been in recently. Things were looking really good, and I even found my mind wandering away from my health issues and towards things like getting a job, taking a trip with my family, and hanging out with my kids more often. At that moment you couldn't have convinced me that there would be any significant problems- at least not initially.
Boy was I wrong.

When I went in on Thursday to get infusion and have the dressing changed, the Nurse took one look at my arm and immediately knew that something wasn't right. When he took off the hypoallergenic tape covering the line, four sores appeared, meaning that my skin was once again rejecting the tape. This has happened to me every time that I've ever had a Picc, so you would think that I would have been more prepared in my thinking. Honestly, it never even crossed my mind this early after placing it. The past problems that I've had with pretty much all tapes or dyes usually occurred a couple of weeks or even months after the procedure. Anyways, the tape irritates my skin, and when the tape is pulled-off, it takes patches of skin with it. The biggest issue here: I'm going to get an infection, it's just a matter of time. Open wounds near the Picc-line insertion site is a breeding ground for bacteria. This means that when the sores become infected, the line will become infected, and when the line becomes infected, my aortic graft runs the risk of getting infected- and we all already know what that leads to. So I basically went from being on top of the world (at least on top of my own world) to plummeting to the bottom, with no good recourse in sight. It's gotten me a little down, and really discouraged. With my body, infection is never a matter of 'if' but more of 'when.' So it wasn't totally shocking to me this morning when I woke-up at 3am to do my usually vomiting. The volume of what came up was significantly greater that it usually is, but it didn't seem too out of the ordinary, even for me :)

The problem was that I continued to either throw-up or dry-heave for the rest of the morning, all over my dashboard on the way to the hospital, in the hospital bed the entire time that I was infusing, and in my car again the whole ride home. Once I got home and into bed, which normally makes me feel a lot better, I continued to vomit, and I have done so ever since, even as I type this now. What's also been strange is that I'm throwing-up what should be coming out of the "other" end, and what's coming out of the "other" end is what should be coming out of my mouth. Ya, I already know, it's really REALLY disgusting. I haven't had a fever yet, but I'm battling the cold-sweats constantly, I've had a terrible migraine all day, and my nausea is a lot worse than it usually. The area around the Picc site is red and itchy, and it looks infected to me- but I'm no Doctor. I'm hoping that I'll feel better when I wake up tomorrow, but if I don't, it may mean another LOOONG and emotional hospital stay. That's something that I obviously don't want.

Considering this dilemma, I know that all I can do is take care of my body and my soul the best that I can, and pray for things to work out as they should. Despite this unfortunate turn of events, I remain very optimistic that things are going to get better. It may just not be at the pace that suits me best. Patience has never been one of my greatest virtues, so this next week or so should be interesting. I'm sure that I'm just being tested, and I'm planning on passing with flying colors.

I'll keep updating this as things begin to happen. Until then, let it be known that I consider myself blessed beyond measure. None of this that's been happening to me physically is undeserved, and I have great faith that it's all part of a plan- one that I'm not totally in charge of. Even on these days when I'd rather be unconscious and unaware, I know that I live the most incredible life. I appreciate that I've almost made it to the 5 year mark. I'm a survivor, and I intend on spreading what I know to those that may not. Life is still so SO good :)

A LOOOONG Week, But Good!

2009-09-30T22:03:00.004-06:00

Thirty minutes ago I took my sleeping pill and got ready for bed, before realizing as soon as my head hit the pillow, that I hadn't made a post in awhile. I was shocked to see that it had been a week since last writing.

Normally, as most readers have probably already figured out by now, when I go awhile without posting, it usually means that I'm having a rough time physically. This has also been the case this past week, but today things started really looking up.

Since my last post, my health took another turn for the worst, mostly because my veins are all shot and they were having a hard time getting an IV in. When they did, it was usually in my palm or the knuckle of one of my fingers- this make "talking" with people via email, text msg, etc., really hard to do. So upon waking up this morning, I was so sick that I decided to skip my appointment. I called in and told the Nurse my problems, when he said, "we don't care what you smell like or if you're gross." Because of this prompting, I had Steph take me in- and what a good thing it was that I was there today.

My main GI guy, Dr. Hutson, had put in an order for me to get a picc-line put into my arm. Over the last week, the veins on my left arm/hand were so damaged that they stopped even looking there, and were only finding workable ones on my right arm or hand. It has been taking between 3-5 sticks every day before finding a workable vein. So the great news about this is that I will be able to have my line monitored, and the dressing changed, on a daily basis, and by the hospital experts, in a sterile environment. There's no difference between a port (which they surgically implant in your chest, under the skin and muscle) and a picc (which they put into your arm) as far as infection risk goes, although if there is an infection, the picc-line can be pulled out immediately, where the port has to be taken our surgically. With my new picc-line I will be able to continue with daily infusions of vitamins, electrolytes, etc., while having to go to the hospital to have it done. Every time I've had an infection in the past 4 years, its happened when I was doing it all on my own at home. So we're all figuring that as long as I continue to go into the infusion room everyday to get my infusions in their mostly sterile environment, I should be ok. I'm hoping and praying to get over this bump in the road, so that I can move onto bigger and better things. The risk is the same one that I've been dealing with since this all started: anytime there is a foreign object in the body, bacteria/infection travels straight to it, and your body will try its hardest to get rid of the foreign body. If it infects the picc-line, the Doctor can immediately pull it out, hopefully before anything had reached the aortic graft. As I've said here many times before, and infected aortic graft would be a death sentence for me. So it's totally understandable why the Doctors were so hesitant to put something else in (after all, this is the 13th picc-line that I've had in the last 5 years, and I've been through 4 ports- 2 on each side, all due to them getting infected). This risk has made the decision to do anything a difficult one, but fortunately for me, I have angels looking out for me, particularly human angels like Melissa, Bernice, Dar, Dr. Hutson, and Denna, who make things happen before I've even thought of them. Life-changing, and life-saving stuff, wrapped all into each one of these amazing friends. Thanks so much to all of my friends at the University of Utah Hospital- you all make my life a heck of a lot easier, and I love each of you with all of my heart.

In addition to this great news, Steph, myself, and the dogs have officially moved out of our apartment and into a house a lot closer to the hospital that I will be spending every day at. Having a backyard for the dogs to run around is going to change their life, in a really positive way. Not having 3 flights of stairs to climb up and down anytime that I want to leave the house will be pretty life-changing as well. We now have a place to call our home, and that does wonders on the psyche. Hope is such a wonderful thing. Despite my current sick/weak state, I've never been happier with the prospects of the future. Also related to that, I haven't seen my wife this happy in a long time. We are looking very forward to a new and exciting life.

I'm starting to dose off a bit, and before you know it I'll be writing incomplete sentences, so I'm going to sign off for now. Thank you to my many friends and loved ones that continue to keep us in their thoughts and prayers- They're not only saving my life, I can see them making a difference in the quality of my life. And shouldn't that be what it's really all about- the quality of ones life as oppossed to the quantity?

Talk soon, and never forget, Life is all about your perspective and life is good :)
Much love to all of you and yours.
Jas

My Life is Good

2009-09-23T15:53:00.004-06:00

I haven't been logging onto the Internet much in the last few days, except to pen an article or two for my new awesome "job." It's weird how fast time flies by- especially considering that most days I'm not looking beyond the moment because I don't feel well. It's hard to concentrate on anything when I'm feeling as sick as I've been lately. I literally glance at the clock every 15 minutes to see that I've "made it" through. It's not that I don't look into the future and try to plan stuff- I'm just like everyone else as far as that is concerned. It's more that I'm not able to think about anything but what I'm feeling, whether it be nausea, migraine, bowel issues, abdominal pain, etc. Mostly I'm just feeling exhausted. I've literally been sleeping (although it's never a deep sleep, but more like resting) 20 hours out of each day, briefly getting up to go to the bathroom and either throw-up or get sick.

This all sounds really whiny, like I'm just complaining, but that's honestly not the way that I'm feeling. Inside, I feel great. When I say 'inside' I'm not referring to my body, but more to that other person that exists inside all of us. The real Jason. Who we truly are. The only thing that really scares me- and I'm only talking about fears for myself here, not family or anyone else that I love- is knowing the effect that certain physical conditions can have on me. An example of this is when my testosterone levels are out of whack, and I literally feel like a different person insidei like I don't have passion for anything. That's not a fun feeling to me. Whatever battles I have to endure physically in life is fine with me. I just don't want to lose anything "upstairs." Despite all the physical stuff, I remain more than healthy inside. I truly feel that I'm in a good place and content with my life. In fact, I still profess to be the luckiest person in the world. Kind of funny, while at infusion yesterday, and after some issues with my IV/body, one of the nurses said to the others, "if something bad is going to happen, it's going to happen to Jason." She didn't mean this as anything rude or inconsiderate- just the opposite actually. She was complimenting in a round-about way. It got me thinking though...even though I have some health trials, I think that I'm the most fortunate person there is. Really. I haven't yet met the guy that I'd change lives with. Of course there are things that I desire, and I still have many wants, but I'm more blessed than any person I've ever even heard of. Seriously. Why does that not sound believable to some poeple?

Don't get me wrong here, I would love to be healthier than I am. I would love it if money wasn't a necessity/issue. I would love it if I were able to accomplish more than I do. But I know that I've been saved for something more, and I'm planning on being alive for many, many years. There are still lessons that I need to learn. There are still people that I need to meet. There are still things that I need to do. I am a work in progress, as we all are. Even though I feel useless a lot of the time, I know that I'm serving a purpose. Being able to write on this blog helps a lot with that.

As for my health, I'm at the point where something needs to be done about my veins. They are mostly shot because of all the scar tissue buildup from being stuck so many times. Because I'm not able to keep nourished and hydrated on my own, I'm needing to get another port-a-cath surgically implanted in my chest. I'm very familiar with these- I've already been through 4 of them- but I was hoping that I'd be able to avoid having to do it again. Mt risk of infection is so high, everyone was hoping not to have to deal with it again. The ultimate fear is that the infection will get into the Dacron graft in my aorta, at which point surgery would be needed- one with a survival rate below 10%. I'd be one of those 10% to survive though, I'm fairly certain about that. The concerns though are real and completely understandable to me. Been there, done that. Too many times my family members have had to come and say their goodbyes, and going through that is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But I don't have much of a choice. The infusion room nurses reminded me that I've never become infected when I've been doing it at the hospital. The times that I've become infected I've been doing it on my own at home, which isn't as sterile an environment as. This news was good to hear. I feel really confident that if I keep going in every day to get my infusions at the hospital, rather than accessing the port and doing it on my own at home, I will be fine.

Thanks for all of the love and support that so many people have shown me and my family. I am forever in debt to so many people- my only hope is that I am able to repay every last one of them. I appreciate every thought, every prayer, and every moment that I've been given. God has blessed me more than I deserve. I have the most amazing wife. I have the most amazing kids. I have the most amazing parents. I have the most amazing brothers and sisters. I have the most amazing friends. I have the most amazing life :)

Too Long Between Posts (for your benefit)

2009-09-18T18:12:00.006-06:00

There aren't any good reasons that I haven't made a post in awhile. To be honest, I haven't known what to say. At the beginning of this last week I was thinking good thoughts and expecting positive results. My hopes were that the new tube replacement would spur things along, enabling me to keep hydrated on my own without having to get IV infusions every day. My Doctors thought that the tube was possibly against a nerve, which was causing my unusual abdominal pain.

I went in for the replacement immediately following my infusion on Monday. The Doctor performing the procedure shot contrast into my existing tube, and manipulated it a bit before deciding that the placement was fine. He didn't even attempt making a replacement, maybe because he was afraid that what happened the last time would happen again. I don't blame him for this, but it didn't do anything to make my problems any better- in fact, I'm actually a little worse off, because moving the tube around my bowel left me feeling as though someone was squeezing my internal organs.

So after going through this, and feeling the disappointment that came with not knowing what the issues are, I'm back in the same position that I was in before- and because of that, I didn't feel like writing. I'm worried that the tone of my recent posts have been a "downer." The truth is, although I haven't necessarily improved physically, I'm in no worse shape than I have been in during the last few years. I think that the hardest thing to deal with is the unknown- but isn't that mostly true with anyone? My fear of 'not knowing' is no different than every other person in the world who's scared of what the future may hold. We have little to no control over what may or may not happen to us. All I can do is keep fighting to make it to tomorrow- the same as everyone else. Because I have some health-related issues doesn't make me any more or less "special" than anyone else. Almost everyone that I've ever met has a story of overcoming struggles to come out a "healthier" person. We have all suffered. The only thing that makes me any different is that I'm voicing my problems- laying them out for everyone to read. It's in doing this that the genuine "goodness" of humanity stands out to me, and that is something that I'm not deserving of, but sincerely grateful for.

It is also worth noting, I have begun my mixed martial arts writing career. This is really exciting news for me, and although many of you may not be fans of cage fighting, I'm convinced that you will learn to appreciate the sport if you check out my articles. Maybe not, but it's worth a look anyway. They can be read at: http://www.msg.com/fightclub/ufc-103-preview.html

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. Despite a rough week, my spirits were totally lifted upon hearing how good my life-long friend Paul Cardall is doing since his recent heart transplant. Good for you Paul, few people deserve happiness more than you and your family. May God continue to bless you in your recovery buddy. If nothing else, you have given me hope, and in my current physical condition, that's a really big deal.

Life is what you make it.
My life is good.

Good Things To Come...

2009-09-13T19:40:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow I'm going in to get infusion at 10:30, followed by a tube-replacement at 1:00. The hopes are that the current tube has been placed against a nerve, or has somehow become kinked, and that a replacement will be all that I need to start eating and drinking in small amounts again. As for me, I'm mostly just hoping that it won't hurt to run my feeding tube again, but being able to hydrate on my own would be nice.

For the last few days I've been doing another violent purge of my bowel. It used to make me laugh when my Doctors would refer to it as such- that is, until I actually did it. It only took me a couple times to realize how appropriate the term was. In fact, I would go so far as to say that 'violent' doesn't really do it justice. Sparing everyone the gory details, lets just say that it hasn't been much fun around here. And it possibly smells bad. The good news in all of this is that I've cleared my bowel out after not having been to the bathroom (#2) for 10 days. I've probably lost some extra weight too, although I haven't been back on the scale in awhile. My weight can fluctuate 25 pounds depending on whether ir not I'm hydrated, so their's really no point in upsetting myself.

Despite these health issues, things in my life couldn't be better. I am so grateful for mostly healthy and happy family members. My two boys seem to be doing as good as they ever have. Steph and I are doing great, and the dogs are pretty happy. Fortunately for them, they will soon have a backyard to play in- that's pretty cool news that I hesitate fully sharing because of reasons that I'll make clear at a later date. We are beyond excited for the possibilities that life may bring us, and the future looks so promising. I'm looking forward to getting back in shape- relatively speaking. Life isn't just good, it's great. I figure that my health issues are a small price to pay for having everything else wonderful. Not to be redundant here, but it really is all about perspective. If you're always grateful for the things in your life, you'll never lose sight of what's genuinely important.

A Few Minutes at a Time......

2009-09-12T20:20:00.000-06:00

I am sick. I am sore. I am blessed. I am loved. I am happy. As you could probably guess from the title of this post, I am not in the best shape physically. The days seem longer than usual, and time seems to drag. When this whole ordeal first started almost five years ago, I spent most of my days laying in bed asleep. The medications that I was on made me feel so tired, it was all I could do to keep my eyes open. I would take my nausea meds and literally sleep 20 hours out of each day- there isn't much of a life doing that. During that time the days would often seem really long, and I remember having to break the days down into hour increments, just to get through. And wow have things changed. These days I hardly ever sleep, and I've found myself trying to make it through "the next 15 minutes."

After spending the week in Park City for Steph's birthday, we picked the dogs up from my parents house and got situated at home. Fortunately my weight has stabilized a bit during the past week or so. When I last stepped on the scale I weighed 103 pounds. Skin and bones and not much else. My lower back is hurting on both sides, reminiscent of what it feels like when I get pancreatitis. It's most likely more to do with the fact that I haven't had a bowel movement in the last 8 days. Probably once again too much information here, but for the last two days I've tasted feces in my mouth. Nice huh. Any there's any wonder why I'm concerned with smelling bad? How is that not a little bit funny.....probably not so much for my wife though. Pretty crazy stuff. If you can't make light of a bad situation, life's going to be a bumpy ride.

Today I started with my daily infusions. A nutritionist was consulted and my Doctor arranged for me to get vitamins through IV. The headache that I've had for the past two weeks disappeared as soon as the liquids were infused into my veins. It felt as if someone lifted a bag of bricks off of my shoulders, and the relief was almost instant. What a blessing this was. Believe it or not, I'm actually excited to be going in every day. It makes such a big difference to be hydrated- go figure. I'm usually feeling pretty good for about a 4 hour window after I'm "replenished" and I'm hoping that I can get some stuff done during that time. The ideal scenario of course would be that my tube replacement this coming Monday goes well, and that I'd be able to resume feeding/hydrating through my J-tube. If not though, I can think of worse things than getting stuck with a needle a couple times a day.

Once again, I'm reminded of the difference between what my body is going through, and who I am. The fact is, all of us are more than we appear to be. Our bodies are not who we are. My body is a vehicle that transports me through this mortal life, and it allows me to experience so many incredible things. Don't get me wrong here- I am so grateful for my body. The way that it has fought during the past few years- it's a miracle that my body has been as strong as it has. I wouldn't be here if not for that.

Much love to all. Life is good.

BYU Wins, & I End Up in the ER.....

2009-09-06T14:46:00.003-06:00

I'm not implying that the two events are 100% related, but on a night that left Steph, her family, and BYU fans around the world praising the heavens and giddy beyond belief, I ended up in the Emergency Room at the University of Utah Hospital. Or maybe it was the cheddar cheese curd and peanut butter Captain Crunch cereal that I ate earlier in the day. Whatever the cause, the constant throwing-up and diarrhea probably led to my severe dehydration.

Back to football- as a life-long Ute fan, I was rooting the 'Cougars' on, hoping that they would pull off one of the biggest upsets in college football history. Even after Utah's thrashing of Alabama in the last Sugar Bowl, the MWC was still struggling for credibility. BYU's handling of the always powerful Oklahoma Sooners last night certainly helps their cause. Many experts around the country had picked Oklahoma as a favorite to win a National Championship this year. 'The Sooners' came into this season with many returning starters, not least of which won last years Heisman Trophy. BYU was never supposed to win this game, and even the biggest Cougar fan in the world didn't think they'd do it, no matter what he or she may tell you today. Deep down, every one of them hoped for a decent showing- nothing else. Max Hall was even shocked, as he showed when the camera caught him with his hand on his forehead mouthing "Oh my gosh."

My in-laws love the Cougars like I love the Red Sox. It's a lot more than just being a fan of the cool uniform colors or fancy logo. It's deeper than thinking that the helmets are cool. It's honestly a family tradition, with ties that bind generations together. I understand this dynamic well. Almost all of the sports teams that I have ever loved stem from wanting to be connected with my dad and family. I grew up going to games with my dad, and my feelings go way beyond the sport or the players involved. Much like many boys, sports in general were a connection that I've had with my family throughout my life. I know that heartbreaking losses can actually hurt the body, or at the very least, the psyche.

So I was on an emotional high last night while watching the game between trips to the bathroom. I was trading off between standing up and sitting down, and stuff was coming out of both ends. It was maybe a little bit more than usual, but nothing seemed that out of the ordinary to me.
Apparently I was wrong. Steph came home after watching the game with her family, and we went up to my parents to get the dogs from the backyard. The problem is, I don't remember any of this happening. My body was shocking from dehydration. So off to the ER we went at around 10:00 pm. I remember not feeling well earlier in the day, but my wits were still with me. I took the garbage out during the game, and cleaned up my bathroom. I wasn't even aware that I was that sick. It's still amazing to me how quickly I can go downhill. I didn't even put up much of a fight when Steph told me her plan to take me in, and the ER is not one of my favorite places. Fortunately for me, I got to see a Doctor friend, Kurt Bernhisel, who I've known through our golf connection, long before I had any health issues. Dr. Bernhisel again took great care of me, and once I received IV fluids, I was back to feeling "normal." A BIG thank you goes out to Dr. Bernhisel and the staff at the U of U Emergency Room- once again, I was saved by their expertise and comfort. I honestly get happy knowing that I might get to see one of the many great people at the hospital. I couldn't do it without all of their help and support.

While I was at infusion on Friday, my good friend Melissa stopped by to see me. We talked for awhile, and I confessed to her of the "rough patch" that I've been going through physically. Sensing that I wasn't in a great place, she comforted me and supported me. It was a blessing that I was able to talk with Melissa, and the icing on the cake came when her husband Jeff stopped by. Jeff is a third year resident at the hospital, and he too has become a good friend of mine. They were very direct and concerned, and they gave me a much needed boost.

Whether it's a heart-to-heart with one of the hospitals Doctors, the support of wonderful family and friends, or a candid and loving email from my virtual friend Jodi Brown, who is battling health struggles of her own following a freak tumor found on her brain stem only 6 months ago (httpp//www.amiracleforjodibrown.blogspot.com/), it doesn't take much to put things back into perspective. Life is so fragile. Time is so valuable. Love is eternal. And life is good.

Paying the Price for a Great Week

2009-08-29T21:47:00.005-06:00

I've been honestly trying to make a post for the last couple days, but I've been struggling so badly physically that its been hard to even think, let alone type. I think that I was finally able to get my bowel emptied, but the result wasn't exactly what I was expecting. Truthfully, I was hoping and planning on feeling well enough to try eating by mouth. That's not what happened. Instead, having it cleared out made me not want to eat, so that it wouldn't fill back up again. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, and that is a frustrating position. However crummy I may be feeling though, I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude- if for no other reason than being able to leave the hospital after infusion and go home to sleep in my own bed. That is such a great blessing. Truth be told, I'm not sure that my Doctors would have ever discharged me following my October surgery if I hadn't been so adamant about leaving. The problems that I've been having are just as bad as they were the day that I went home- after spending nearly two months trying to sleep with Nurses or Doctors coming in every hour. Despite my weak and sick body, I've been mostly happy.

Much of my happiness has to do with something that happened last Thursday. I had been contacted recently by a guy that puts together podcasts, and after listening to the ones that he had already done, I was sold on the idea of him doing one on my story. So, I spent Thursday meeting and hanging out with Colter Wilson, and what he managed to put together left me feeling honored to be a part of his art. That's exactly what it is too- it's art. The sound quality of his production even managed to make my voice tolerable for me to hear, and that's saying a lot, because as is the case with many, I have always disliked hearing my own voice. It usually makes me cringe. It's only a sixteen minute listen, so even those out there that get enough of hearing my ramblings will be able to endure it. I love listening to stories of people's lives- raw and unadulterated. If nothing else, it's worth it to see the production that Colter puts together. And he does this in his spare time, while working a full-time job. Simply amazing. Thank you Colter- visiting with you was one of the cooler experiences that I've had. I still don't feel worthy of having my story told, but I'll never complain :)

I've provided the link to his website below, where you can listen to the podcast, and it is also available on ITunes under 'The Prototype Podcast.'

Prototype Production: http://www.prototypeproduction.net/ Episode 5: Life is Good

Much love to all :)
Always keep perspective and you'll see that life is good.

Really High, and Really Low

2009-08-26T16:58:00.003-06:00

What a fabulous week I have had! I am on an emotional high that I've rarely experienced. Actually, I experience an emotional high nearly every day these days, so maybe that's not entirely fair to say. I'm feeling that feeling that you can only get when you feel as though you have contributed to the world. That feeling that you only get when you've worked hard at something. That feeling that you only get when you love the people around you, and they love you. That feeling that you only get when you have hope....

So what are the reasons that I'm feeling so good? Where do I even begin. First off, I'll give an update on my health. I actually just got home from the hospital, where I'm getting infusions every other day. I'm not able to hang out with my friends in the GI lab and chat all day long, but I am with old friends in the infusion lab. The only problem is that they don't have the time to chat with me because the lab is usually full. I really don't mind having to go back to getting hydrated at the hospital 4 days a week- it makes me feel so much better physically when I do. The problem with having to do this again is the same dilemma that I've experienced before- my veins are mostly shot, and the Nurses are having a harder and harder time finding ones that work. It usually takes 3 or 4 sticks before they get one, regardless of whether or not they're using the ultrasound machine. I'm at the point where they are literally having to thread a 20 gauge needle into my knuckle or my palm. I actually don't mind this too much either, probably because my skin is so scarred up that I don't feel it as much. That's a good thing. The fact is though, at some point in the near future I am going to run out of usable veins, and then we've got the issue of whether or not to put a port-a-cath or a pik-line in, while running the ever present risk of infection. The problem again with infection- if the infected foreign body (the needle, tubing, etc.) travels to the 6 inch Dacron graft in my aorta, I'm toast. Actually that's not true- my amazing body would probably be the 5% that make it through the procedure. The point is, infection is a BAD thing, and having already experienced people having to say goodbye, I don't want anything to do with that.

All of my physical problems would be solved if my bowel and internal organs worked properly. If they did, I would be able to hydrate and nourish through my j-tube or mouth, thus adding weight to the 105 pound body that I currently possess. Actually, I haven't been on the scale in over a week. That figure is only a guess. I figure, why discourage myself every time I look down and see my weight. Anyway, 2 of the RN's at infusion today came into my area and pulled the curtain shut. They wanted to know what the Doctor's plans were for me. They can obviously tell that I'm sick, and I appreciate their concern. The truth is, nobody knows what to do. I'm at a really odd point in my "recovery" and all I can worry about is this moment. There are larger forces at work here, as there have been every day during the past 41/2 years.

Enough of that, let's get to the exciting news. Many of you already know of my appreciation and passion for Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) or for those of you that don't know, "UFC" stuff. I know, I know, how can a guy like me enjoy such a barbaric sport? The truth is, I have always appreciated the art of hand-to-hand combat, and I've always been interested in karate, wrestling, boxing, etc., as sport. The UFC used to be, as Senator McCain once put it, "human cock-fighting." I'm not going to spend any more time rationalizing my interest, except to say that the UFC of today is totally different than the UFC of 10 years ago, about the time that the Senator (who I love, by the way) made that statement. Simply put, I appreciate what the athletes get out of their bodies. After all, I have some experience with how tough the body and mind can be when working together :)
So, knowing of my interest and passion for the sport, even though it is possibly against my mothers wishes, I am going to be writing a weekly column for 'MSG Fight Club' which is the Madison Square Garden's official MMA website. This is really exciting news for me and I'm chomping at the bit to get started.

In addition to this new endeavor, I am going to be working part-time for a company called MPX. This company is something that I also sincerely feel passionately about. They are going to bring integrity and honestly to an industry that surely lacks such traits- credit card companies. Business owners are getting scammed left and right by certain processing companies (there's a reason they are billion dollar businesses) and many of them aren't even aware of it. In fact, the statistics are staggering. The rates that people are getting charged is crippling businesses. Ultimately, we all pay for that. One look at MPX's business plan and I was sold that it was a great company to be a part of. It never hurts that you know the owner's are super solid people. The biggest benefit for me however has little to do with money, and I can honestly say that. I won't ever be a part of something that isn't helping people. Not that there's anything wrong with making money, but I know that all the money in the world isn't going to change my situation, at least not until they invent an astronomically expensive bionic stomach that I'd hope to be able to purchase. Mostly, I feel a boost being able to work. No matter what the business, putting in a hard days work gives you a feeling that you can't manufacture anywhere else. Being able to work is a gift. It gives me hope for the future. It makes me feel like a "man." It makes me feel like I can take care of myself, and my family. There's so much that work does for you that money can't buy. It may sound crazy to some, but I love work. It's surely a matter of appreciating what I once took for granted.
Good stuff :)

Living, Learning, and Loving, one moment at a time.
Much love to all of you, and thank you for the thoughts and prayers- they're the reason that I'm still alive, I'm sure of it :)

I Don't Have It So Bad

2009-08-21T14:11:00.002-06:00

Isn't so interesting. It honestly makes me chuckle to myself. Whenever I've been at my worst physically, and sometimes feeling a little sorry for myself, I'm brought so quickly back to "reality" after making another trip to the hospital for my IV infusions. As I was laying in my recliner, because all of the beds were already full, I was complaining to myself that I had to be in a seated position again. Because of my sore/sick organs in the lower left portion of my abdomen, the seated position literally hurts. In fact, the only position that doesn't hurt so much is laying flat on my back. Anyway, I don't feel like I've slept in the last 48 hours, mostly because I've been running to and from the bathroom all day and night. So I'm feeling especially grouchy. The pain and sickness that I'm constantly feeling inside often comes out of my mouth, and my tone sounds mean. Poor Steph having to put up with hearing this tone of voice coming out of my mouth all day long. I hate that I sound so mean and rude. It's something that I'm totally aware and conscious of- I guess the 1st step is always admitting it- and it's something that I'm sincerely trying to be better at. No matter how sick or sore I may be feeling, there's never an excuse for speaking in a mean or rude tone to anyone that you care about or respect. Regardless of how crummy I may be feeling, no one deserves that. So I'm publicly apologizing to my sweet wife Stephanie for being that way lately. I'm sorry Steph.

To get back to my story, I've been malnourished and dehydrated because I've been throwing up so much more than usual. It's to the point that I don't even take all of my meds because I know that I will just end up throwing them up. When I put them through my tube it either runs straight through me, or it causes my body to produce more bile, which I end up throwing-up. Needless to say, I don't feel like putting anything in my body. That's not a good thing though, obviously. I'm in a really odd spot physically, and it often turns out affecting my emotional and spiritual states. It's so easy to get frustrated and upset. In addition to the aforementioned grief, the acid has apparently eaten its way through some of the cartilage in my nose, so every time I throw up now it ends up coming out both areas. Not much fun, and sometimes a little messy. It's not something that you want to share with other people, so I haven't been feeling like leaving the house- even to go to the hospital for something that will make me feel better. I carry around a bag full of washcloths to continuously wipe the bile from the corners of my mouth, and to hopefully shield others from the smell. I sleep with a wad of really strong cinnamon or mint gum in my mouth, and I've began using these cool mini-toothbrush's, all to help the cause. If people smell what I always taste, that can't be good. That's my only real issue with ego, and the little bit of pride that I still have left maybe hurts me in the end. I'm working on that one :)

So I'm feeling this way, and laying in the bed that I usually occupy is a young girl, maybe between 18-30, and she's obviously got a terrible disease, because she is so pale- even yellow. I'm guessing it's some form of liver disease. I over heard her speaking with a friend, who most likely drove her here. She was speaking in a matter-of-fact tone, without even the slightest hint of sadness or anger. She's told her friend how much she wished her parents were still alive, presumably to comfort and support her during this obvious trial. She spoke of how sad she was that she had no siblings. She spoke of how it upset her that she'd never met her grandparents, and didn't know her aunts, uncles, or cousins. She not only had an enormous struggle ahead of her, one that may ultimately take her life, and she had no one to help her through- no shoulder to cry on.

As I listened to her whisper so she wouldn't be heard, and maybe I'm doing something wrong by even stating this here, but I could only hope that she had someone, anyone, and I felt even more blessed for all the great people in my life. Not only do I have enormously supportive and loving parents and siblings, I have a wife and two children that love me. I have the most amazingly supportive friends- people that I literally consider family and would give my life for at any instant. I am so lucky. We are so lucky. Some people don't have anyone to help them through the certain heartache and trials before them. How did I get so fortunate? What did I do differently than this girl to deserve all that I have? People have done a lot more with a lot less. She is an example of that. And yet I still find myself taking some of the amazing people in my life for granted. I don't always let them know exactly what I feel for them. There's not enough time in the day for me to accomplish that feat. I can only hope that they know who they are, and they know how much I love and appreciate them. As you finish this post, know that you are that person to me. Thank you for that :)
Life is so good :)

Back to Life

2009-08-18T19:16:00.005-06:00

After spending most of the day on the road, we finally made it home last night. Almost every time I leave town, I return home feeling empty and depressed. Considering that I lasted all week without having any IV hydration, it may have something to do with my mood. I take comfort in knowing that a human being can last 10 days without water, and 4 days without food. Mostly though, I'm tired of concentrating on what were once trivial things- like when and what to eat or drink. I'm tired of focusing most of my thoughts on myself, imparticular my health. I'm tired of not being able to physically do the things that I've lived 34 years doing. I'm tired of myself. I'm so tired.

Isn't it interesting how quickly life as you know it can change. Five years ago I was wondering what career path I should follow, and I stressed over the usual life issues- job, kids, spouse, money, my looks....These days my concerns revolve around making sure that the IV fluids don't enter my bloodstream too quickly, leaving me feeling drunk and disoriented. I have to count calories, but in a different way than most people. Figuring whether or not I've had the daily recommended 2,000 calories consumes my thoughts. I often laugh when I reflect on the things that once thoroughly occupied my mind. Once again, it all comes back to perspective.

During the times that are especially rough on me physically, and I don't think that I can fight any longer, I'm reminded of how good I actually have it. One trip to the University Infusion room is normally all it takes. The truth is, when I compare my trials and my life to others, I am always left thanking God for everything that I am blessed with. That old saying, "if you put your problems in a pile with everyone elses, you'd hurry to take yours back"...that's me. Interestingly, the thing that I am most grateful for is also the thing that cripples me every day. That's probably hard for some people to believe considering how much I rant and rave about how bad I have it. The truth is though, what I've had to deal with physically during these past few years has become the greatest gift that I've ever received. Really. Looking back on the "Jason" that existed back then embarrasses me now. Not that I was a "bad" person or anything, I was just so much....different....and selfish. With all that I've gained and how I've grown as a person during these last few years, how could I feel justified in ever cursing the Doctor that "screwed-up?" Throughout the legal woes and the bickering between our attorney's, I've never once wished for anything but good things for the Doctor that allowed me to be where I'm currently at. I've sincerely had a hard time being mad at him. Does it really stink most days that I'm unable to eat something that I've been craving for months? Yes. Does it ever become frustrating that I have to get poked 3 times each day, usually in the knuckle of one of my hands, to get my hydration through IV because my veins are so shot? Absolutely. Do I ever wish that this hadn't happened to me in the first place? Never. Ever. Ever.

Were that Doctor to have performed my minor procedure with perfect care, I wouldn't know the things that I do now. Things that have literally changed the course of my life. Things that have literally changed the lives of people that I love. Things that never would have come to fruition if everything had gone smoothly in that operating room. So I'm left asking myself, how can I be upset?

Everyone has a story. Everyone has suffered. Not everyone has learned from their trials. I am one of the people that have, and although I'm far from knowing it all, nobody controls my attitude but me. It's the one thing that I've had any control over in the last 4 years. I have learned that life is what you make it. Regardless of what may or may not happen to you. If this is as good as it ever gets, I'll still be the luckiest person I know. Get out of bed happy. Mend the relationships that trouble you. Take note of all the things that you now have. Notice the many beautiful things that God created around you. Never hesitate loving the people in your life. Never forget to tell them what they mean to you. All of them. Most of all, thank God for each breath that you take, and for every moment that you are allowed to have.

It can all change in an instant. Never forget that.
Much love to you all :)

The End of a Great Week

2009-08-16T10:57:00.007-06:00

Today is the last day of our trip, and I've already begun feeling the post-vacation depression that I always get after traveling. Having a full week to spend with my siblings and their families has been a dream come true. As much as I genuinely appreciate the time that I get with my family, there's never enough of it.

It wasn't that long ago that I was wondering if I'd ever be able to leave town again, much less make the annual Reynolds family trip to Newport Beach. We've been doing this trip for as long as I can remember, and it's my favorite trip of the year. There's not any plans set in stone, and that flexibility makes for a relaxing time. It's just my speed. This year I was able to do a lot more than I did last year, and I feel like I was able to spend some quality time with each member of my family. Last night we continued tradition and ate dinner at 'The Crab Cooker.' I started preparing for that meal before I even got here. There was never any choice for me- fresh Alaskan King crab legs are impossible for me to resist. And let me tell you, they were well worth the trouble. I doubt that anyone in the history of the world ever appreciated a meal as much as I did last night. Every bite was savored. As hard as I try, words can't describe how good that crab tasted to me. It was pure heaven.

We'll be starting back home later this afternoon. Our plan is to break the drive home into a 2 day event, so we will drive as far as Mesquite to stay the night. By the way, the awesome picture was taken yesterday before the guys made their final trip to the beach. When they walked out without their shirts, all looking very fit and trim I might add, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to poke a little fun at the 115 pound ultra-white shell, otherwise known as my body. I figured that most readers would get a kick out of it- at least those that know me will. Pretty funny. At least you would hope that I could get a little tan while down here, since everyone looks better/healthier when they have some color, but alas, it would not be. I'm still the whitest guy I know. That's a little sad.

The other picture is of Steph, me, and the boys one evening on the beach at sunset. What a great looking family, right? My most beautiful wife Stephanie, and my handsome boys, Josh and Jeremy. They make the picture attractive, regardless of what I'm looking like. We haven't had the chance to get many family pictures taken over the last few years, so I treasure every one that we do.

The drive home should be interesting. I'm hoping that don't have to stop every 20 minutes to use the bathroom- like I've been doing the last 3 days here. It could get real ugly, real quick. As soon as I get home I'll post the rest of the pictures from this past week. I may even post one of my brother Jake in the red speedo that he wore the first day on the beach. I wasn't there to witness the actual event, but I know that I can find photographic evidence that it exists.

Until then, never forget how good your life is.

My First Sunset in Cali

2009-08-12T23:51:00.009-06:00

After spending most of the night running to and from the bathroom puking, I managed to somehow sleep in until 1 o'clock this afternoon. What a waste of the day it seems to me every time that happens. I don't like it. Although I've never been what you would consider a "morning person" I do like getting up early and feeling like I still have a day ahead of me. That's hard to do when you sleep as much as I did last night.

Despite this annoying start to my day, I managed to make it to meet everyone at the beach, and even take in my first sunset here. I've posted a few of the pictures to better emphasize what I'm talking about. It was even more incredible than the pictures show, and I was surrounded by the people that I love the most in this world, my family. It doesn't get much better than that, as far as I'm concerned.

When I was walking with the little kids through the fun zone yesterday (or the not-so fun zone as it's sometimes called here) out of the blue I got hit in the head by what I thought to be a rock.

I immediately looked around to see what had hit me, but I couldn't see anything out of the ordinary- that is until I spotted 3 girls laughing and running to hide about 30 feet in front of me. I then noticed 3 nineteen-ish year old guys following the girls. I'm not sure why, but once I spotted the group and realized that they were the culprits, I hurried towards them and shouted out for them to come face me- a bold move considering my currently let's just say "underwhelming" presence. It certainly made an impact on them though, as they were quick to point out that it was just an accident. I'm not sure the reason, but right when I heard these words falling from their lips I referred back to the last few times I've heard "it was just an accident." I've heard that a lot in the last few years, but none more so than when the real accident took place over four years ago. Needless to say, it's not my favorite saying.

After getting over the initial shock from what had happened, I surprised myself at how aggressive I became towards the 3 guys that had hit me in the head with what was later determined to be a super-bouncy ball. The fact that I was the one that the ball happened to land on was irrelevant to me. I was at first upset about the potential harm that it could cause if it were to hit one of the little ones walking with me. Ending the confrontation by letting the kids know that things would have really gotten out of hand had either of the little ones been hit instead of me, we separated and all went in different directions. I guess they, as well as anyone reading this right now, will refrain from mentioning anything about accidents to me. I understand that they were just kids being kids, and that maybe the wounds left over from my recovery have not all healed.

I'll write again tomorrow. Much love. Life is good :)

Fun in the Sun

2009-08-11T17:58:00.003-06:00

Well, we made it safely to Newport Beach. Honestly, the ride wasn't hard at all on me. We broke the drive up and spent the night in Mesquite, Nevada, before arriving at the beach house yesterday afternoon. "Car sick" is not an issue when you are nauseous all of the time. Mostly though, I really enjoyed visiting with everyone while we drove. Where this most likely made their trip seem longer, it shortened mine significantly. Sorry, but thanks guys :)

Vacations have always been relaxing for me. There's something to leaving your life and your worries behind that really resonates with me. Hopefully everyone that vacations feels this way, but I know of some people that get anxious when they leave their home and all their belongings. As much as I genuinely appreciate all the things that wait for me back home (mostly Junior and Jessie) I love the simplicity that comes from traveling with only the essentials that I need for the time that I'm spending away. It also helps that we don't really have a "plan" for the week that we are here. That type of schedule fits perfectly with the life that I live, not knowing when or where I may get too sick to do anything.

As for my health, I've been feeling pretty hammered today. I spent most of the night sick in the bathroom, probably the trade-off for having a relatively easy ride here. My plan entering the week was to take it easy during the day, when the sun is at its hottest, so that I was feeling good to hang out with everyone at night. As a personal goal, I had hoped to see the sunset every night from the beach- that didn't go well though, as I was too sick to get out of bed the first two nights here. This new medicine from Canada that I've been on has made my body produce more bile than it usually does. What this means for someone whose bowels don't work properly is more throwing up. Since the bile being produced doesn't move properly through my bowel, it has no other way to exit my body than through my mouth. That's not much fun. On the bright side though, I've been hearing and feeling grumblings in my abdomen, and that hasn't happened in over four years. I'm assuming that this is a good sign that things may eventually work out. On the website for the drug, I found out what the possible side effects were. It read; nausea, dizziness, severe headache, vomiting, abdominal pain, for the first several weeks until your body gets used to the medicine. Sounds fun huh. Not really. I'm actually considering stopping the medicine while I'm here on vacation, and starting taking it as soon as I get back. Who knows what the best scenario will be- I'm just going to take it day by day.

I'm heading to bed early tonight with the hopes of getting some much needed sleep. I haven't been sleeping more than 4 or 5 hours each night for the past week or so. I'll try and catch the sunset tomorrow night and post a picture here.
Til then, God Bless you all :)

Struggling Along

2009-08-06T14:13:00.002-06:00

I was on such an emotional high from my amazing weekend, but now it's back to reality. It still surprises me how quickly my health can go downhill. I haven't stepped on the scale in almost a week (I'm trying to "brush that one under the rug") but I'm sure I'm not gaining anything.

I finally started my new motility drug, which arrived from Canada yesterday. I've been maintaining as best as I can, while patiently waiting for what I hope will be another "miracle drug." That is mostly good news, and the timing of its arrival couldn't have been better. Although since I began taking it I've been unusually sick. My body seems to be producing bile at a higher than normal rate. This means that I feel more nauseas, in addition to throwing up more than I normally do. I am constantly choking acids up into my mouth. As you can imagine, it doesn't taste particularly well. I've even resorted to sleeping at night with a huge wad of gum in my mouth. The disgusting taste never goes away. My hope is that this new drug will start working, and that I'll be able to hydrate on my own once again. When I went in for IV infusion yesterday, I could feel a difference immediately when the Nurse flushed in just 10ml of saline. I was that dehydrated. When you throw-up 10 times a day and you can't take anything by mouth, dehydration is going to happen. Even with family in town and getting together to keep me distracted, I honestly don't feel like doing anything but sleeping. It's either that, or I'm awake feeling physically awful and spending most of the day and night in the bathroom. As great as my weekend was, I haven't been living much of a life the last few days. I feel like it takes all of my strength to get out of bed. It literally hurts to talk. My abdominal pain gets so bad that I won't hook-up to my feedings. Whenever I do hook-up I'm constantly puking up bile with seemingly no break. Wa,Wa,Wa- I'm complaining again. Enough of that :)

Whenever I'm feeling this sick, my first worry is always for those that have to be around me the most. I don't want to cause any more concern than I already have. It's time for other family members to get the most attention instead of me. I'm also feeling super self conscious about my look...and my smell. When I puke all day, and it comes out of my nose every time, it makes sense that vomit is the only thing that I taste or smell 24/7. Simple analysis leaves me to believe that everyone around me senses it too. Even though they all promise that they would tell me, I'm afraid they may worry about being "mean" when doing so. So I end up wanting to stay in my room all day and night, hoping to keep anyone from having to possibly be put in an awkward situation because of my "grossness." I still have a little pride left. I figure that I'm doing everyone a favor though.

Honestly, I don't care if I'm ever able to eat or drink again. In fact, I'm way beyond that. All I want is to be able to keep nourished and hydrated without having severe sickness and/or pain. I don't expect to ever live an extravagant life. I'm not sure that would be something I'd even want to do. I love the simplicity of my life- but I'd like to be able to maintain my weight and keep hydrated, without having to do so through an IV. Is that asking for too much?

I'll keep posting whenever I'm awake. I'm expecting my motility to be better by this time next week (it's the Reynolds family reunion in Newport Beach).
Thank you all for the love & support :)

20 Years Later

2009-08-02T16:42:00.013-06:00

What a difference 20 years can make. Last night I went to my 20th high school reunion. I saw friends that I haven't seen in years. There were many of them that I hadn't seen since we were high school classmates, rocking to 80's music and pegging our acid wash jeans. For some reason or another I haven't made it to any of the previous reunions. There are a few people that I have managed to keep in touch with over the years, but for the most part, I have been consciously avoiding reliving some of my wilder days. On many levels, those years were really difficult for me. With a lot of the memories that are sometimes easier to forget altogether than recall. Last night though I realized how much I've been focusing on the poorer choices that I made during that time. The fact is, when I consider my schooling as a whole there were a lot more good experiences than there were bad. Why is it that the bad ones are so much easier to remember? So many of these good people have helped me throughout my life, and helped shape the person that I am today. I was honored to see them and to call them friends. My only complaint is that my body didn't last as long as I'd wanted it to, and because of this there were many people that I wasn't able to see. I could probably spend a month chatting with friends about the many different experiences that we had together during those often trying years. There really never is enough time. Today I'm mostly grateful for the incredible night that I had, and for the chance that I was given to relive my past, if only for a moment.

I was so honored to have the chance to address my classmates. Earlier in the day I wrote down some points that I wanted to make, but after glancing at it to begin my speech, I folded it up and spoke from my heart. This is usually the way that I speak best. Every time I prepare something I never end up using it. I'd rather speak my soul and be direct. This doesn't always go over well, but last night it did. I felt as though I really connected with people. I had forgotten what an amazing group of people I went to school with. I had forgotten that most people really do mean well. I forgot what an impact those years had made on who I have become. I forgot all of the friends that I have. Twenty years later, I realized that most people are rooting for each other. The need to impress and one-up has been replaced by a true love and concern. Last night I realized that just one person can bring about change. What an incredible feeling it is to know that you have helped another. One thing I know for sure- that is what life is all about. One day we will be measured by how much we loved, not by how much we had.

Another enormous benefit of my reunion was that my twin sister and her husband came out. My twin is, well, my twin. That should be self explanatory. Twins have a unique relationship that words can't describe. I didn't always appreciate her the way that I should have, but I finally became aware of this, and we now have the type of relationship that you'd expect twins to have. Her husband, he's simply one of the best friends I've ever had. He's also one of the most amazing people. I'm lucky to have these two people in my life. The fact that they are family is all the better.

I've always heard that you have to make peace with your past so that it doesn't ruin the present. Last night I feel like I came full-circle, and I made peace with my past. In all, I consider myself so blessed. Loving and being loved is the greatest human quality. It's what life's all about. My many friends from the Brighton High School Class of 1989 help complete my life. I am honored to know them and to love them. The love that I have for them is sincere. Living, learning, and loving...I know this is why I was given the gift of life :)

A Big Week Ahead

2009-07-29T20:34:00.016-06:00

I stepped on the scale this morning, just as I have done every day for the last 8 weeks. I've been watching nervously each day as my weight has slowly dropped. Never before has it seemed to shed as quickly as it has in the past few days. It's honestly been a little bazaar. It feels like I was a 165 pound man just a short time ago, well on my way to recovery. I guess I truly never figured to be in the position that I am currently in, physically speaking. I never figured that I'd ever weigh 115 pounds again. I haven't been that light since a month or so after the "accident." Before that I was maybe 13 years old. Two months ago I felt like I was entering the final stages of recovery following my complete gastrectomy in October 2008. I still felt abdominal pain and I had consistent bouts of nausea, but I was otherwise beginning to feel better. I had great hopes for the future. I was yearning to once again feel that I was completing my role as a husband and a father. I was excited about going back to work and feeling what you can only feel after of a hard days work. I was looking forward to traveling back East and getting started on my brother Blue's new office. Then, I was reminded of how truly fragile a thing life is. I was humbled again, often to the point of tears. I always wonder, why do I have to go so far backwards before I learn my lesson well enough to progress? Maybe these are nothing but the ramblings of a chronically sick person. Maybe I needed to take a few steps back before I can again go forward. IV infusion has been keeping me alive.

Whatever the case, this time has again given me the gift of perspective. I've seen through the veil and experienced what's just beyond this earthly experience. There's a genuine love and appreciation for all that life has to offer when you are viewing it from this perspective. It's only when I'm feeling this sick that I can experience some of the real wonders of living. People have different faces than they did before. They honestly don't look the same as they once did. There's a genuine warmth that certain people seem to have, one that I hadn't ever seen in my first 34 years on earth.

People aren't the only things that have taken on another appearance. Nature seems totally different to me now as well. Having played sports growing up and then spending every sunny day at the golf course, I've spent most of my healthy life outside. I've also always appreciated the beauty's of the world. Sunsets have always been my favorite time in the day. Nearly any place that I ever was, I could watch the sun go down and feel at peace. The sunsets look especially different now. They are the time of the day that I feel the closest to Him. I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss those loved ones that have gone before me. Even getting just a glimpse of what I did on that hospital bed four years ago was enough to make me look forward to feeling that peace and eternal love again.

None of this is to imply that I'm going anywhere anytime soon. I want to be very clear about that. I'm expecting this journey to continue for many more years. I know that whatever it is I was allowed back to do, I have not done yet. I have many more things to experience, and much more to learn. I know that this is just a tiny bump in a long road, much of it still to be traveled. I have my 20 year high school reunion on Saturday. Having missed every prior reunion for some reason or another, there are many friends that I haven't seen since high school that will be in attendance. I've been asked to say a few words about my story. To be completely honest, while feeling sincerely honored to even be asked to do such a thing, I am nervous that I may appear like an attention hound or a sympathy case. I'm the first to admit, I don't feel that I have been through any more difficult experiences than any other person. I don't feel especially special. I do know that I have an interesting and unique story. Other than that, I don't claim to know anything more than any other former class member. Maybe my apprehension is because I look even more pencil-necked than I did back in 89'. Maybe it's because I wasn't able to grow my mullet or fit into my acid wash jeans. Either way, it should be a fun night. I'm mostly hoping to not throw-up or pass-out while at the mike.

Wish me luck!

Guest entry by Jason's wife Stephanie...

2009-07-26T23:03:00.012-06:00

I really wanted to share with all of you my feelings about Jason. I continue to be amazed and inspired by him each day. He is malnourished, dehydrated, nauseated, exhausted and in pain... every day is a struggle. BUT he continues to have a positive loving attitude. He is constantly looking out for the well being of myself, our boys Josh and Jeremy, and anyone he loves.

This was a special week for both of us as we were able to spend the entire week with Jeremy. We went to his baseball games, went to movies, hung out with cousins, played with the doggies, played cards, roasted hot dogs and made smores at Millcreek canyon, rode go-karts that went as fast as 40 mph, we did our farming on Farmville, listened to our favorite tunes. Every night was a late night and we ate great food and had fun chats. Honestly, it was so wonderful to see Jason on a natural adrenaline high from just being able to spend so much quality time with Jeremy. We really missed our Josh though. It was a week to remember. One of my favorite events that took place was Jason and Jeremy playing catch for the first time in over 4 years... priceless moment. It was all I could do to not break down and cry.

Jason has so much courage as he faces his physical battles every day. There is no relief.... that is the hardest part for me to comprehend and watch how he continues this unrelenting battle. He is my hero. He is my inspiration. I learn so much what love means from him... his life is all about love. He genuinely cares about people and wants so much to learn from them.

I wanted to thank you all for continually praying for Jason. We feel the prayers and are constantly amazed how many prayers have been answered. Again, I am so grateful for each day and each moment I have with him and I hope and pray that I will have many more.

Looking Forward......

2009-07-23T21:24:00.006-06:00

Once again, I haven't been spending much thought or time roaming around the Internet. Because of this, I'm struggling to keep up with posting. The truth is, I'm still trying to cope with my current physical issues. I continue to lose weight at a steady pace because I'm not tolerating anything by mouth, and putting anything into my J-tube hurts too much, and makes my nausea even worse. After only an hour of feeding I begin throwing up bile uncontrollably, until I can't physically stand it anymore and unhook. Basically, my body isn't getting the nutrients that it needs to function properly. So now I'm back to spending every other day at the hospital getting IV infusions. This isn't something that I necessarily mind though, mostly because I consider a lot of the people at the hospital my friends. Maybe it simply makes my hospital visits seem more social. At this point I'm beyond grateful for the amazing people that I get to associate with while there. They make my physical suffering tolerable. It also doesn't hurt that the U recently underwent a total reconstruction. It feels like a completely different hospital. This is especially good for me because I had come to a point where I was tired of seeing the same place every day. Now I get the benefit of being amongst people that I care about, and visa versa, while at the same time enjoying the feel of a "new" hospital. I'm considering myself a very fortunate patient, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

On top of all of this "good" news, I've also had the chance to spend some quality time with Jer this week. He decided to stay with us at our apartment, and it's been so much fun being around him. One of the most difficult things for me to deal with after my ex-wife and I divorced was the "spare" time that I missed out on by not having the kids consistently. I'm referring to the usual day-to-day stuff- like the times when we wake up in the morning, and the hours alone together at night. Time spent lounging on the couch together, either watching a Sox game or one of our favorite movies. It's probably not always exciting for him, but I love every second that I'm able to spend with him. As much as we all miss Josh being here too, this time with Jeremy is priceless. I'd forgotten what a funny guy he is. Despite feeling constant nausea and severe abdominal pain, I'm having the time of my life. Life is good :)

As my health goes, and as I've mentioned in my previous posts, I'm currently in a bazaar place. My veins are almost completely shot (it took 90 minutes and 4 sticks to get a usable vein today) and my Doctors are worried sick about putting a line in. Without one though, I won't be able to travel, and that means that my plans for the rest of the year will drastically change. No Newport Beach with the Reynolds family in early August. No Fenway Park trip with my boys in the fall. No numerous visits with my siblings back East. No once-in-a-lifetime trip to Bandon, Oregon to golf once again with my dad. Thinking about possibly missing out on all of this makes me sick....or sicker.

The conclusion that I've recently come to- I can't do anything about what might happen tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. For me, looking too far ahead is not only impractical, but it's also kind of pointless. All that I can control is what I'm doing at this moment. I have very little control over what my organs will or will not do. What I have control over is so limited. When your body begins to betray you, you soon begin to realize that attitude, or how I feel inside, is the only thing that I can take any ownership of. Living, learning, and loving, while appreciating all that I have......what more can I do?

I Am a Work in Progress...Aren't We All?

2009-07-16T21:50:00.020-06:00

Hey there. This might be a longer than usual post. Consider yourself forewarned. I've spent most of the last few days trying my best to stay asleep. I haven't had much energy, and the heat drains every bit that I have as soon as I step outside. I'm going to the hospital every other day to receive nutrients, electrolytes, and saline through IV. When I was there last, the person starting my IV in the infusion lab suggested that I consider getting another port-a-cath or Pik-line. He said that the poor veins that I have probably won't last more than a month. This is something that I've really hoped to avoid since my surgery last October. My Doctors don't want to put in any line for fear of infection. The fact that I've already been through four ports and too many Piks to count makes their fears justified. It's not something that I want to do. The fear has always been that the infection will spread to the six inch Dacron graft in my aorta. If that happens, my survival rate drops below 10%. Two years ago this fear became a reality for a moment, and the Doctors suggested that my family come and say their goodbyes. In a span of two days my siblings came in town, and my ex-wife brought my boys up to see me. It was more awful than you are imagining, and easily one of the most difficult things that I've ever done. I'm stuck in a position right now where there is no "good" ending. I'm either going to get an infection because of a peripheral line, or I'm going to starve and dehydrate. I wasn't ever expecting to be in this position following my last big surgery, and I'm having a hard time coping.

I was recently reminded of a great book that I was introduced to in College, and that I just finished reading again. "If This is a Man" by Primo Levi. As you may or may not already know, Primo Levi was an Italian Jew who fought against the fascists during World War II. He was captured at the age of twenty five and sent to Auschwitz for one year, from 1944-1945. Educated primarily as a chemist, he went on to write what is considered to be the most highly regarded account by an Italian of life in the concentration camps. He then went on to become a successful journalist until he committed suicide in 1987. Ironically, his death came nearly 42 years after having survived Auschwitz. He was said to be a generally optimistic and upbeat person, but he could never get over the human suffering that he had endured at the hands of the Nazi's. After reading this book, it became entirely understandable how such an experience could stay with him for as long as it did. I'm not sure that the memories that he had could be forgotten in one lifetime. Even four decades after his ordeal, the memories still haunted him. At first glance, it was hard to imagine someone living through all that Primo Levi did, only to result in him taking his own life many years later. His account of his suffering is simple, honest, and poignant. Although the subject matter is obviously very disturbing at times, this is a book that everyone should read, if for no other reason than to remind us of how fortunate we are.

I honestly feel that pop culture almost always has the reverse effect than it intended. With its happy endings, perfectly manufactured characters, and material excess, it sets a standard that is next to impossible to attain. I always hear the justification that people need something light, easy, and happy- something that allows them to relax after a stressful day. The problems though start whenever we watch the typical Hollywood film, or flip through the pages of Cosmopolitan or Maxim magazines. There's nothing necessarily wrong with doing these things, in fact, they are all a generally accepted means for dealing with the difficulties of the day-to-day grind of life. But what usually ends up happening is that society and people are presented with a reality that does not even exist and even worse, leaves them desiring something unattainable. The fact is, you can't have rock hard abs in just six weeks, unless your main focus in life is on reaching that particular goal.

Having more, getting better, and overall improving one's life, isn't a wrong way to live, but our aspirations shouldn't be looking like the standard celebrity. It's important to be physically fit, but not for reasons of vanity. Instead, we should be getting healthy so that we can live the longest and best life possible- nothing else. We all desire to be at our best, but at what cost?

I'm Not the Car I Drive

2009-07-14T17:49:00.014-06:00

An interesting thing happened to me the other day, something that has had my mind going ever since. I drove my car for the first time in awhile (said car above). Most of the time I don't feel well enough to be in a seated position for a lengthy period of time, and i get "car sick" times one-hundred. Also, if I feel that there is any chance that my driving could potentially endanger someone else on the road, I won't do it. This being said, I rarely get behind the wheel and I choose to do so only when I know that the traffic isn't going to be busy. The times that I do get out and drive I feel an independance, much like I did when I was 16. I do tend to drive as if I was the only person on the road. This is definitely something that I am aware of at least. I like driving fast, and I've had my license suspended multiple times over the years because of it.

Anyway, after driving to and from my infusion appointment at the hospital, I decided to stop in at a 7-11 to grab a drink to take my medicine with. As I pulled into the parking lot I noticed a group of 20-somethings standing at the stores entrance. They spotted me as soon as I pulled in, with my sunroof open and my music blaring. As I pulled into the parking spot at the front of the store, I saw the group of guys keeping their sights on me. I could tell that they were expecting that I was some punk driving the car that my parents gave me for graduation. When I got out of my car the guys weren't looking too friendly, that is, until I reached back into the car to retrieve my feeding pump. As I extended my pole and started wheeling it towards the door, the expressions on their faces immediately changed. To be honest, this scenario has happened to me a few times before. Just because I'm driving a flashy car around, it doesn't mean that I'm a spoiled, material jerk. Unfortunately though, most first impressions when I pull up aren't good. It's assumed that I am a certain way because of the car I drive. Looking back on my own life, I know this attitude, because it is one that I once shared. And admittedly, I do kind of look like a gangster in my car, with its dark tinted windows and chromed wheels.

But how much of this is deserved? Right or wrong, judging a person by how they look, the clothes that they wear, or the car that they drive is part of our culture. Most people are quick to assume. It's always fun for me to pull up somewhere in my car and throw-off the onlookers when they see me step out from behind the wheel. Whatever look of disgust or envy they had is usually wiped off their faces as soon as they see me with my medical paraphernalia. Some people may even think that I stole the thing. What these people don't know though is the story behind my driving a luxury car, while struggling each month to pay for my medications. For instance, people probably don't know that a certain dealership specifically ordered the car for me to have something that I could drive to and from the hospital each day. At the time the car was ordered, my life expectancy was looking great. Everyone thought that it would be neat if I could enjoy the rest of my life, however long that may be, driving something really fun. These same people aren't aware that the car was built with special equipment and areas for me to store all of my medical supplies. They don't know that the dealership called me in and surprised me with the spec sheet describing what had been ordered for me. Not to mention that they gave me such a great deal that I would have been stupid to turn it down. Everything else being equal, wouldn't you choose the best quality item? Things are not always as they seem. Why is it ok for someone to think that I'm a materialistic jerk because I drive a fancy car, only to retract those feelings as soon as they see me get out? It's really sad that our society is so quick to pass judgement, but then again, we've always been this way. We are constantly judged and labeled, whether it be at church, at our work, at a Jazz game, or nearly every other place outside of your home. It's mostly a product of living in our Western culture. No wonder the rest of the world hates us.

All I'm saying here is, I wish that more emphasis was put on what's "inside" and not necessarily at first glance. The picture always has a background.... just remember that the next time you see me driving down your street, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind :)

Hanging in There

2009-07-14T14:00:00.008-06:00

It's amazing to me how many days seem to pass so quickly when I'm not feeling well physically. I honestly can't believe it. I've been in a bit of a haze during the past week, and time has seemed to fly by, although it rarely feels that way to me. The minutes seem to drag at times.

I had a great weekend hanging out with Jeremy. On Saturday he played two games at Salt Lake Community College, and I managed to make it to the second game. It is so much fun watching him play at this level- it's real baseball, where each kid stays in their position rather than everyone chasing the ball wherever it's hit. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed those years, but High School baseball is the real deal. As is usually the case, Jer played great. I was beaming in my seat as a genuinely proud father. Both of my boys seem to be doing really well right now, and I consider that the greatest blessing that I could ever receive. I'm looking forward to spending many great years with them.

After the baseball games we went to my apartment and Jer stayed with me until Steph took him back yesterday. Spending time with him was exactly what I needed. I even threw caution to the wind and ate crab and creamies with him all weekend. That wasn't necessarily something that my Doctor would have suggested, but it sure tasted good going down :) Sometimes I break down and eat my favorite foods, if for no other reason than to feel "normal." The result is never good, but at certain times I don't care. This past weekend with my youngest boy was one of those times. As I expected, my body is now punishing me, but would I go back and change anything about my time with Jer? Never. From now on, I'll endure any pain and/or sickness if it means quality living with my family. Such is life, and I love my life.

Health-wise, things are the same. My weight continues to drop at a steady rate, despite trying my hardest to keep hydrated and nourished on my own. I am still having bowel problems. Even with multiple enemas each day I'm not able to clear it out. This is just a rough patch that I wasn't expecting, hoping, or planning for, and I've been having a really hard time figuring out how to live my life. It's been a lot harder to deal with than anything I've gone through in the past few years. I feel as though I don't know how to live. That's been my biggest struggle. When I'm sick and sore I don't feel like doing anything but sleeping. The problem is, I don't sleep well unless I'm unconscious from my meds. I'm at a point where I have a hard time putting anything into my body. Even sipping the water to take my meds. When I do, I almost always throw it back up.

So my days are spent throwing up and swallowing it back down, throwing up and swallowing it back down. I know how gross that sounds, but believe me, it's a lot better than if I constantly spit it out. People have suggested that I carry a cup around with me so that I can spit into it. This is something that I may have considered doing, that is, until I saw a recent episode of 'Intervention' on A&E. The girl in the show had a feeding tube and stomach issues, and she would chew on food and spit it out into a cup. It was so disgusting that I promised my family never to do that. By the way, Intervention is a really good show that you should check out if you're looking for something different. Watching the struggles that addicts and their families go through puts a unique perspective on life.
Also, thanks again for all of the thoughts and prayers. I feel the love from all around me, and I know that it's what's keeping me going.
Much love to all :)

Surprise.....a post!

2009-07-08T13:39:00.000-06:00

It seems as if it's been a year since I last posted, and lots has happened, and there's much to tell. So much has happened in fact, I'm not sure where to begin....

The last few weeks have been really difficult. To be completely honest, I've had a hard time finding the hope and strength to push through my physical challenges. I've dropped nearly 40 pounds in 5 weeks and can't keep anything down. It has nothing to do with not enjoying life- I most certainly do- my attitude has been entirely because of how I feel physically. Let me first say, thank goodness for my family and friends. If you have great people in your life, you can lean on them when you can't find the strength yourself. That's been the case for me lately. My friends at the hospital, friends I've made through my life, and my incredible family are the reason that I'm still here. I have no doubt about that. The prayers, the love, and the support have given me a new-found strength that I never knew I had. Isn't hope a wonderful thing? I cannot imagine living life without it. Thanks to all of you that showed me love, had me in your prayers, and even those of you that thought of me briefly (I believe that any time someone thinks of you in a positive way, it puts out energy that can only be a good thing). I now have hope and confidence that things are going to improve, and I'm going to be around a long time. There's still SO much that I want/need to do, my only worry is that there won't be enough time.

As everyone is already aware, Michael Jackson passed away recently. When I first heard this, I wasn't sure how I felt. I grew up listening to his music. I would be lying if I said that I loved it, mostly because I was always more of a rock'n'roll kind of guy. He was obviously an incredible talent and a pioneer in the industry, but strange and disturbing things seemed to follow him around, and I always had a sick-to-my-stomach feeling about that. So when I'd heard that he had died, I was torn. To me, character will always be more important than celebrity. I had issues with Michael Jacksons character. It is usually sad when somebody dies, but the fact that he was celebrated as Ghandi at his funeral was ridiculous. He had a more elaborate funeral than many of our dead Presidents, and that's a joke. It's a perfect example of how out of whack our society is, where a person becomes loved just because he/she is on TV. Isn't there something wrong with that?

As for my health, we are in the process of following a closely monitored plan. I've been going to the hospital as often as possible to get fluids through IV. Yesterday I had a colonoscopy and an endoscopy scope. The results didn't show anything that we didn't already know, which is good and bad. My bowel isn't working properly, so stool collects until it backs up into my throat. This is despite daily enemas and constantly sipping magnesium citrate. I know how gross this is, believe me :)
We've been prescribed a motility drug to help move things along, and I will continue to try emptying my bowel on a daily basis. Until I can maintain weight and tolerate eating/drinking by mouth, I will have to continue going to the hospital to do it by IV. That's not that big a deal to me, except that I'm afraid that I'm running out of usable veins. Those in my arms are all shot, and I'm starting to lose the ones in my hands. The good news is, there's always my feet (which have already been used many times before).

I'll really try to do a better job of posting regularly. When I'm feeling really sick I don't even think of it.
Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers....I know that they are working.
Lots of love to you all!

Happy 4th of July!!!!!

2009-07-05T01:17:00.000-06:00

Happy 4th of July everyone! On this holiday I'm reminded of how lucky I am to live in America. The best health care in the world is what's helped keep me alive for the past few years. Not everyone else has this luxury. Even though the costs can be crippling at times, the care that I receive is always top-notch. I know that health-care isn't the most popular subject in our culture these days, and everyone has their own opinions, but I have no doubt that if I had been living in another country I wouldn't have lasted as long as I have. This is just one of many reasons that I am grateful to live where I do. I won't bore you with the rest :)

Wow have I had an amazing wkend so far. I spent the last three days conserving all of my energy so that I could make Jeremy's baseball games. Fortunately, I managed to attend three days in a row, and am currently laying on the floor, side by side, watching Sportscenter, and staying up late chit-chatting at my parent's house. What a time I'm having hanging one-on-one with my youngest boy. I will admit though, as fun as we've been having, we've both been missing Josh. He's currently living in New Jersey with my beautiful twin sister and her amazing family (and lots of time with my brother and his wife too). I have the most amazing people for kids, and I thank God every day that I get with them.

As for me, and aside from being on cloud nine, my physical well-being is still suffering. I continue to lose weight at an alarming rate, and I feel exhausted most of the time. In addition, ever since the tube was replaced weeks ago, I've had a terrible cramp-like pain in the left side of my abdomen. The only position that is comfortable is laying flat on my back. I'm also afraid that my blood-sugar levels or something may be out of whack. Coupled with the pain and nausea has been a feeling of dizziness. I feel as though I'm going to pass out as soon as I begin to move. My hope is to make it through the weekend with Jer before having to deal with the physical issues.

I'm lucky that I have such an authentically loving relationship with so many good people at the hospital. They've taken such great care of me during the past four years. Every time that I end up there I feel that I'm amongst friends. It certainly makes the suffering more tolerable. I love great people. There's nothing better as far as I'm concerned. I'm looking forward to a week of tests to hopefully determine what the problem is. The idea of spending the week at the hospital isn't as discouraging as it has been in the past. I feel blessed every day that I have such amazing people in my life, helping me along this sometimes difficult journey :)

I'll try and do a better job of posting regularly. Honestly, I haven't been doing much of anything for the past few weeks. Sometimes the internet is the last thing on my mind.

Am I Just Unlucky?

2009-06-25T22:00:00.000-06:00

Of the many different opinions that people I've met during the past few years, the one that seems to come up the most has to do with luck. "What crummy luck you have," is usually how it's put. People hear what happened and they can hardly believe it. Having spent many days and nights in the hospital, I've had the opportunity to meet many different people who are dealing with physical trials. There have been some that have embraced their physical challenge, choosing to make the best out of the hand they've been dealt. There have also been a few that have remained stuck with feelings of "why me," thinking that life has dealt them a low blow. I say 'stuck' because that is exactly what happens- you get stuck when you are consumed with yourself and your health issues. Once there, it is a hard place to get out of. I realize that not every person had the spiritual experience that I had during my challenge. Because of this, they didn't "come back" with the same appreciation for life that I fortunately did. I don't blame any of these people for their feelings of mistreatment. They are often very justified. As far as I'm concerned, anyone that has had to deal with health-related trials has wondered at some point or another if they were just unlucky. It's easy for me to understand why people feel this way. The problem is, that type of feeling is toxic- not only to the patient, but also to anyone attached to him/her. My belief is that any progress made will be over-looked if the mind isn't in the right place. Regardless of attitude, the question of whether or not a person is just unlucky remains.

The truth is, strange things do happen by chance, even though it may not be something that we want to emotionally accept. The improbable can happen and often will. The question then becomes whether or not there is meaning behind the challenges, or if it is just a matter of random chance.

When dealing with any form of challenge, the key lies in looking at things in their real context. When considering an improbable circumstance, it is always best to widen the lens and view the background. Look at the complete sample space. Most of the time things are not as bad as they seem. It's so easy for people to feel picked on, and once that frame of mind takes over, it is very hard to overcome.

A man from California recently won the "pick 5" and the "Super Lotto"...in the same day. The odds of that happening were calculated at one in 23 trillion. Was he just lucky, or were there larger forces at work? At first glance it certainly seems that the guy was just extremely fortunate. But the part of the story, or background, that we fail to see is that this particular man had spent a quarter of his paycheck on lottery tickets, and he'd been doing this for 30 years before he won anything. Granted, most people that buy lottery tickets during their lifetime aren't going to win, so there seems to be a degree of luck involved with winning twice in one year. But the fact that he had played the lotto so much, and for so long, the odds of him winning drastically improved. The point here is, there's always more to the story than what we originally see.

A great example of this is something called the "blade in the grass" paradox. This school of thought goes something like this: A golfer hits his tee-shot, sending the ball screaming down the middle of the fairway. When it lands it hits a certain blade of grass. This blade of grass, if he were given a human voice, might think "wow, what are the odds that that ball would land on me! How unlucky can a guy get." In a sense he is right, considering the zillion-plus blades of grass on the course that the ball could have hit. When you consider the odds it does seem like an improbability, and one could make a case for this blade of grass thinking he was just unlucky.

Although when you consider the entire picture, it changes the story. The fact is, when that ball was struck there was a 100% chance that it was going to hit a blade of grass. Because it ended up hitting that particular blade of grass is irrelevant.

I'd be lying if I said that my thinking had nothing to do with my spiritual beliefs- it most certainly does. Because I know that there is more to the big picture than our earthly experience, I'm comforted in knowing that there isn't an end, that death isn't final. I honestly can't imagine living without this knowledge. I feel bad for people that don't believe in a Power greater than themselves. For those people, death takes on a whole new meaning. Science would say that I'm just kidding myself, that I'm choosing to believe what I do to make myself feel better. But the fact is, during my surgeons career, and considering how many procedures he had performed, he was bound to make a mistake at some point. That I ended up becoming a statistic is simply part of life. If we live long enough, and we put ourselves in positions where something "bad" could potentially happen, at some point it will. Looking back on my life, there are a few times that I "dodged a bullet." These days I mostly feel blessed that I've lived as long as I have.

How does one explain miracles then? Is it just chance that the Doctor who saved me just happened to be next door and scrubbed up for another surgery- one that would be cancelled and rescheduled for that particular morning- when he should have had the entire day off?

Statistically, a surgical error was bound to happen and happen to somebody. Because it happened to me doesn't mean that I am picked on, it's simply the cross that I must bear. If it was going to happen to somebody, I'd just as soon it be me.

2009-06-23T22:51:00.001-06:00

This blog being what it is for me, I'm feeling fortunate that I have a vehicle, besides my family members' ears, to voice my feelings. It will come as no surprise to most people following this to hear that I'm still struggling. For whatever reason, my body is still fighting against everything meant to help it, and the trials have been carrying over into the rest of my life. It's not that I'm ungrateful for all that I have, but more that I'm exhausted in every sense of the word.

Fortunately, for the past two days I've been spending my days hooked up to an IV in the GI lab at the hospital. Even better, I'm heading in every day this week until my Doctor gets back in town on Monday. I'm not complaining about my hospital visits- they've been saving my physical body. I've gained a huge boost emotionally from my visits. My days have been filled with great friends and fabulous conversation, and its been exactly what I needed to find the strength to push ahead. For the past four years the hospital has been my social life. It's where a lot of my friends are. Considering this, I've been feeling very blessed that I'm able to consistently be around such amazing people.

The truth is, I'm at a really odd point in my recovery. At this particular point in my life, I have so much incentive to get feeling better. In fact, never in my life can I remember having more reasons to get healthy. My perspective and desire for a healthy body has absolutely nothing to do with how I look. I could honestly care less if I'm attractive or good-looking. Really. I'm way beyond that point. All that I want is a body that's healthy enough to get me around and allow me to live something that resembles a life. I want the strength to be a father to Josh and Jeremy, not just a guy that they see every once in awhile. I want the strength to be a husband to my wife, and to take care of our family the way that I feel a man should do. I want the strength to work a job, not for the sake of money or material gain, but instead to feel that feeling that you get when you put in a hard days work. I want the strength to be a son, a brother, and an Uncle, and to have the choice of spending time with my loved ones. I want, I want, I want....

I'm currently at a point where my body feels like it's deteriorating so quickly, much quicker I think than anyone had anticipated. It feels as though my body is fighting against the things that are being done to improve its condition. I have the distinct feeling that I'm running out of time. Not in the sense of death being and end, it's more that I don't feel there's enough time left for all that I need to do. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. Sometimes it's hard to put what I feel into words. It's hard to describe the energy that I feel when I'm around certain people- particularly people that I love. I've never felt a more intense feeling. I wish that I could memorize it so that I'd never forget. It's an emotional and spiritual high that no drug could rival. It's as if there are strings that shoot out of my heart and into the heart of the person that I'm with. If the other person is open and accepting, we will make a connection that seems tangible. If they choose not to accept what I have to share, no problem. I feel blessed that I have a lot of people in my life that :) Life is good.

Finally.....a break

2009-06-20T14:41:00.008-06:00

I'm sorry that it has taken me so long in between posts. To be totally honest, I've been struggling so much physically that I haven't wanted to see or talk with anyone, even family. I wasn't able to see Josh before he moved back East because of this. I feel kind of toxic, and I haven't wanted to rub off onto anyone that I care about- or make them think that I'm a total grouchy jerk. Make any sense?

After this last surgery mishap 2 weeks ago, I've gone waaaay downhill. I've gone from 152 pounds to in the 120's in 2 weeks because of my issues. More than anything I've been trying to sleep as much as I can. It's not really sleep, but it's more like I don't want to be conscious. I'm admittedly being a total wimp about all of this, but it has come to a point where the pain and discomfort makes putting anything in my body, whether by J-tube or mouth, not worth it to me. It's not that I've "given up" in any way, it's more like I've just had enough for the time being. I need a break to gather my strength again and push through all of this. My biggest problem is that I don't want to be sick and sore any more. It's that simple. It may be selfish thinking, but it's just what I feel. To me, my body and my mind are two entirely separate things. Where it is true that my body can have an affect on my mind, it is not who I am. My body is simply a vehicle to get me around, and it's a bit over-worked right now. It feels old and beat-up most days, but in my mind, I am grateful for the time that I have. Time is the single most valuable thing that you will ever own. It's something that none of us have any real control over, and what's its passed, there's no getting it back. Knowing this makes me appreciate all the "extra" time that I was given over four years ago. You never know when you'll take your last breath, so never waste the ones that you have.

Yesterday morning Steph drove me to the hospital and a guy was called in to start an IV. Because my regular Doctors are out of town, a great friend of mine thankfully arranged for me to be seen by the GI Doctor covering, without having to go through the ER. Fortunately for me, the Doctor just happened to be a "J-tube master" so I will have a great person helping work my case. He wrote an order for me to be infused with saline and nutrients, and after getting an IV in my wrist (on the first poke no less) I almost immediately began feeling better. The thing that I enjoyed the most though was the company. A "hospital friend" of mine, who I had connected with awhile ago, came and chatted with us for the time that we were there. Being someone that I'd already known a bit, it was great getting to spend hours with her, learning more about her and the things that she has experienced in life. She is an amazing person, and the connection that we already had grew even stronger. That's the best thing in life, as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing better than great people. I've always felt fortunate that I was blessed with the ability to connect with people. I left the hospital feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually enriched. What a great feeling that is :)

I went through my life thinking that I had to experience everything in life for myself. I thought that this would be the best way to learn. "Try everything once, and twice if I like it" was my motto. I spent a good part of my life thinking this way, and I had experiences that nobody should go through. To all of those younger readers out there- that is bogus thinking. It's not true. Getting stuck in this type of thinking is self-absorbed and irresponsible. While you may often learn your lesson faster, it's not always the best way to learn. In fact, people are put in our lives for many reasons, one of them being to teach you through their experience. If you don't use this to your advantage, like I did for a good part of my life, you are an idiot. Learn from other people's mistakes without having to experience it all for yourself. That seems so obvious, but it's not always that case.

Be grateful for the people in your life that you have looked up to or emulated, and let them know that they were an influence. Don't hesitate to let your loved ones know how you feel about them. Especially this Fathers Day weekend, be grateful for you Dad. A lot of the good in you is because of him. That is especially true in my case. I always looked up to my Dad. There was nothing that he couldn't do (It's still this way today). He was my hero. I have never met a harder worker than my dad. He provided my and my siblings with more interesting experiences than most people I know. I love my dad, and I try to emulate him even today.

Thanks Pop! Happy Fathers Day! I love you.

Talk soon :)

2009-06-15T20:22:00.006-06:00

I got some not so good news from the Doctor today. We should have known from the beginning that things weren't going to go in our favor. When we checked in at the clinic for my appointment we found out that my main Doctor wouldn't be there because he was held up in surgery. Because of this we instead met with one of the new residents that was just starting her GI rotation today. I'm pretty sure that I was the kind of patient that she had been warned about in med school. Knowing very little about me, she obviously didn't have enough time to review all of my medical records, and she was a bit in the dark. To sum it up, the general opinion of my medical team is that they don't know what the next step should be. Basically, there is no precedent to refer to. They have consulted with Doctors all over the world for suggestions, and I feel very confident that they have been doing all that they can. Three years ago they had me spend a week at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona to get their opinions. While there I had some tests done that only the Mayo Clinic had the capabilities of doing. After the battery of tests and lots of consultation, they came to the same conclusion as my Doctors here- they didn't know what to do.

It looks like I'll most likely be heading back to Scottsdale to reintroduce my case to the specialists there, and to see if they can come up with something new. We should find out in the coming days for sure, and it couldn't come soon enough. As everyone that follows my blog already knows by now, I have be really struggling, and improvements need to happen quick. It's not like I'm on my death bed. There has been lots of improvement that I am genuinely grateful for. If I am dying, it is a slow, long, dragged out death. I can't keep on any weight, but I'm only losing roughly a pound a week, so it's not entirely noticeable if you're not seeing me every day. When I try to feed myself, either by mouth or by J-tube, it results in what feels like an over-production of bile, and that always ends up coming out of my mouth. Nothing is staying down, not even my Gatorade, so staying hydrated is also difficult. Any way that I look at it, things aren't very promising physically.

Considering my current predicament, I am once again reminded that all that I can control is how I react to the situation I am in. Regardless of what's going on with my anatomy, my attitude is something that I have power and influence over. I can either choose to allow my attitude to reflect how I'm feeling physically, in which case I'd be mostly miserable and surely unbearable to be around, or I can choose to keep a positive outlook and appreciate all that I have. No matter how crummy I may be feeling, I am glowing on the inside. Seriously. It took literally losing my life and my health to make me realize the many things in life that are good. I am no longer driven by the desire to "get ahead," but I am instead focused on improving myself as a person. During my ordeal I have developed a new-found respect for all people. I have learned what it is to truly emphasize, and I better understand what it is to suffer.

Suffering takes on many different forms, and it is different for everybody. No one is immune to it though. At some point or another, everyone hurts. I think that the key to understanding and accepting this is all about keeping proper perspective. As bad as it may be at times, my suffering is small when compared to trials that so many others are going through. For instance, I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to lose a child. I'll gladly take whatever physical trials come my way, as long as I never have to experience burying one of my children. I can't understand that kind of suffering, but there are people struggling through this type of pain every day. As far as I'm concerned, those people epitomize what strength is. They are the ones that I think about when I'm not doing well, and they help me get out of bed each day and try. As odd as it may sound, I am grateful for suffering. When we experience a trial, we have a tremendous opportunity to learn from it. Some of the best times that I've had in my life have come after suffering. It forces me to work my way back, and to appreciate what I have.

There's an old adage that says "God won't give us more than we can handle." If that's true, it's a sobering thought- as bad as I may feel, I know that I can take more. I guess that's a good thing?

What day is it.....

2009-06-14T15:29:00.001-06:00

Boy do I feel out of touch with the world. On more than one occasion during the past week I've seriously had to ask Steph which day it was. That's what happens when you spend all day and night nearly unconscious, as I have been since my surgery. Thanks heavens for medications. As much as I love being out and about, and living in the world, there have been numerous times during the last few years that I've wanted for nothing more than sleep. I would rather be knocked unconscious and rest through the entire recovery process, before waking up to a functional and pain free body.

I've had a recurring dream that I woke to the body that I had 5 years ago. I've woken with the feeling not that it was all just a bad dream, but rather that somehow, just as abruptly as things stopped working, they started working again. I've often thought what a miracle it would be if I was somehow returned to the place I was before, physically speaking. Another thing that I've learned through my experience is that anything is possible. Anything. There's a good chance that what you don't think could possibly happen, may indeed happen. The "big picture" is not something that we have much control over.

I have been the recipient of multiple blessings and numerous miracles. It is a miracle in fact that I am able to write these words and share my story. The truth is, I shouldn't be alive. I'm indeed living on borrowed time. Considering this, how can I possibly feel the right to complain? Whatever time that I am allowed on earth, I am grateful for. This is the thought that usually occupies my mind. When I simplify things to the point of considering life and death, there's so much to be grateful for. Time then becomes all that is important. From my perspective, if I am going to sleep at night, with my dogs and my wife at my side, and then waking-up in the morning, then living becomes an incredible gift.

There are times however, this past week being one of them, that I don't necessarily "enjoy the ride." The constant sickness, and sometimes unbearable pain, often make me feel so alone. This trial is something that I am still learning from, and some days are a lot tougher than others. Little successes each day are what give me hope, and the love and support of my family and friends are what give me strength. All I can do is try my best to be the best person that I can be, and always consider the many things that I am blessed with. My suffering is mostly physical- and I can think of far worse things to have to deal with than that.

The World Wide Web

2009-06-10T13:31:00.002-06:00

I love the Internet. It keeps me connected to my family and friends, and makes me feel social when I'm otherwise disconnected from the world. I consider the Internet a great gift to connect and unite the world. It gives everyone a voice. Because of the Web, even someone like me has the ability to be heard as loudly as anyone else. Because of this, it is a powerful tool that shouldn't played with or taken lightly.

In the digital age that we are now in, there can be a dark side to the Internet as well. Where it provides for every person with a computer the ability to voice their feelings and opine about any and every topic under the sun, it needs to be properly observed. We need to always consider the source. As early as 10 years ago, we could be fairly certain that what we read on the web was from a credible source, and therefore could be considered valid information. The power of the written word was understood and respected. These days however, that has changed. Often times people put too muck stock in what they read on the Web. Just because it is written doesn't necessarily make it true.

Not everyone is allowed the luxury of free speech. Recently in China, a young woman was tried and convicted of 'espionage' or some other trumped up and ridiculous charge, because she wrote something in her blog that upset the wrong person. Similarly, in Iraq a few months ago, a man was executed for blogging about his displeasure with some of the opinions of his newly formed government.
These negative effects are even starting to be felt in America. For instance, a recent article in USA Today said that it is now common practice for companies conducting job interviews to ask the applicant to list his/her blogs, Facebook, Myspace, or other vehicle for social networking. The applicants are being asked to specifically disclose if there have ever been any content that may harm either the applicant, or the corporation. If anything inappropriate is ever found, or even if the interviewer finds anything that he/she doesn't like, the candidate isn't considered for the position any longer. It may seem harmless and silly when you're 16, but you may feel the repercussions later in life- and it may end up hurting your career prospects and reputation. The truth is, everything that you put out there can be retrieved and pulled up for everyone to see. Whether by email, text message, or even content that someone else posted on your page, you will be held responsible. That's a scary thought. Something seemingly so innocent can have dramatic effects on the course of ones life.

In sum, I think that we need to be really careful when considering what we share. Once you put it out there, there's no going back. Things can easily become misunderstood or taken out of context. What you write may seem harmless to you, but may be taken another way entirely by others. Also, never take for granted the freedoms that we currently share in America. It may not be long before our government begins to take more control. As wonderful as the web is, it could very well end up leading to the downfall of societies, and cause people enormous pain and suffering.

Health-wise, I'm still in the early stages of recovering from my surgery last Friday. I've been a total grouch, and I'm probably driving Steph and the dogs crazy. The pain is still intense at times, and the nausea is constant. It isn't the funnest way to live, but I'm appreciating being alive all the more because of my suffering. I'm reminded on a daily basis how fragile life is. Every breath is one step closer to the end. Not to sound lame, but appreciate that you don't have to spend time worrying about whether or not you are properly nourished and hydrated. Be grateful for the food that you are able to eat. Feel fortunate that you don't need to worry about whether or not you smell like vomit when you are around others. Most people aren't so fortunate. Keep perspective on the things that you complain about- it's probably not THAT bad :) As rough as some trials seem to me, I've seen others deal with far worse. I think that the underlying theme to our existence should be appreciating what you have. It's the key to living a happy life. Just my thoughts :)

A "rough" patch

2009-06-09T14:52:00.002-06:00

Considering as hard as I'm trying right now to keep optimistic about my recovery, you would think that I'd have nothing to complain about. Whatever "crappyness" I'm feeling physically has nothing to do with my attitude or who I think I am. This I'm assure of. Unfortunately though, the truth is that I'm struggling. So much so that it's beginning to affect my mood. I feel like all I do is complain. I've been consciously focusing these past few days on not voicing my pain or suffering at every moment that it's felt. I don't want to put Steph through anymore of that. I feel that if I don't do something about it now, it will eventually take its toll on other aspects of our relationship. This has nothing to do with Steph- instead it's entirely to do with my current physical state. That mere thought though is one that scares me to death.

I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to keep positive and focused on the many good things in my life. I'm forever grateful for the countless ways that I am blessed. Honestly, I still feel that I'm the luckiest man in the world, and that my suffering is relatively small compared to the rest of humanity, even people that I know. The problem right now is, the reality hurts. A lot at times. I figure that it's bad enough that I have to suffer through these physical trials- I don't want anyone else to be put out by it as well. That's been the most difficult thing for me to deal with during the last few years. Whether I actually am or not, I feel that I am an inconvenience wherever I go. The reason that I feel this way is because it's usually true, although I'd be hard-pressed to find anyone that would admit this. I'm not feeling sorry for myself here- just stating the facts as I experience them. I am truly blessed that 99% of the people that I've come in contact with don't care if I may throw up on their new flooring, or possibly clog their toilet. Basically, no one in my life cares about that stuff. In many ways, I'm like a 75 year-old. At least I deal with many of the same issues that they do. I enjoy finding humor in my situation. It's funny making light of certain experiences I've been in because of my health.

That being said, I'm reminded of a funny story. Two years ago Steph and I took our mom and dad Hartvigsen to my favorite place on earth, Boston, Mass. It was so great being able to share something that I love so much with them. It was an amazing trip, and I have too many fond memories and stories to share. One imparticular stands out though.

We'd been in Boston for a few days already, so the wear and tear of traveling had already begun to take a toll on my body. I honestly think that I was mostly worn out from smiling so much- being happy and optimistic can surprisingly take a lot of energy. Whatever the case, after a long day of happiness, and while in the midst of shopping around Quincey Market (where we stayed) I decided to take a break and rest. I planted myself and my pole/feeding apparatus on a bench outside one of the stores. I took my hat off and sat it next to me while I wiped the perspiration from my head. I was exhausted. A short time later I was startled by a little girl. She walked up to me and put a dollar bill in my hat, which was now in my hand. By the time I figured out what was happenning, the little girl was standing next to her parents. They all smiled at me and motioned for me to keep the money. The obviously thought that I was homeless. It took me a few days to find the humor in the story, I was still driven by my ego, and I thought I was pretty good looking- certainly not homeless. It was hilarious to Steph and my parents though.

Once I set my ego aside and saw it for what it was, I laughed really hard myself. Why that sweet little girl put her money in my hat is irrelevant to me. It was nothing short of a gesture of how good humanity can be. Also, who in their right mind would ever complain about people giving them money? Certainly not me :)

Those are the moments that I now live for, and they're what give me the perspective to keep trying. And who in their right mind is going to complain about that? Besides me, of course :)

Surprise Surgery

2009-06-05T17:32:00.000-06:00

I just got home from the hospital and I am feeling really sore. I found out yesterday afternoon that I needed to go in @ 7:00am today to have my tube replaced. What was supposed to be a minor 30 minute procedure turned into a 3 hour difficult surgery. Apparently, when they pulled my tube out, the tract completely closed. The Doctors tried doing what they could to slip a replacement tube through, but had no luck. I was then wheeled into the CT room where the Doctors had to surgically implant a new tube, through a completely new tract.

Meanwhile, my poor wife was sitting in the waiting room, worrying that something bad had happened to me. She was originally told that I'd be done in 30 minutes, so after 3 hours had passed she began to panic. She finally walked up to the nurse and asked if I was ok- before finding out what had gone wrong.

As for me, I'm just grateful that I was able to come home. The Doctor who performed the surgery wanted to admit me. My abdomen area is killing me right now, and I was told that I would feel that way for awhile. Thanks goodness for pain medicine :)
I'm hoping that I can just sleep.
I'll keep posting on my status. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers :)

2009-06-04T18:13:00.000-06:00

"Things are never as bad as they seem to the pessimist and never as good as they seem to the optimist."
Be an optimist :)

Happy Anniversary!

2009-06-02T20:06:00.007-06:00

Eight years ago today, and after nearly two years of dating, Steph and I were married. It's really hard to believe. In one sense it seems like we are still newlyweds, trying to figure out how to best share a residence, getting use to the way the other looks first thing in the morning, and working on splitting up the holidays between two families. But in another sense, it seems like we're been together all of our lives. Either way I look at it though, the constant theme is the unconditional love that we have for each other. The fact that Steph has hung in there with me for all these years is remarkable. I'm not sure if I could live with myself the way that she does. She has put up with and gone through more stuff than she deserves, but she rarely complained, even when it was warranted.

For my post today I thought it would be neat to share the story of how Steph and I became a couple. It all started at the Old Mill Golf Course, where I was working/teaching as one of the Golf Professionals. One night awhile after the last group had teed off, and when I was getting ready to lock up and leave, a guy and two cute girls came in through the door. They came up to the counter and asked me if they could go play 9 holes. Being that there wasn't enough time to finish, I worked them out a special deal and charged them each 5 dollars. One of the girls, who I was unusually drawn to, only had a checkbook, so she wrote out a check for her share and handed it to me. There was something special about this girl, and I felt immediately connected to her. It's impossible to explain with words, but I knew the moment that I first saw Steph that she was...different. I wasn't sure what it was, but I knew that this was someone that I wanted to get to know. The problem was that I had never seen either Steph, her sister Andrea and her husband Doug, ever before. I'd been working at the course prior to it's opening 6 years earlier and had never seen them, so I wasn't thinking that I'd ever see any of them in the future. I was especially worried about this interesting and beautiful woman- what if I never saw her again? I couldn't let her walk into my life, and then just as abruptly as she came, leave again. I knew that there was something special about her. Maybe it was her aura. Whatever the case, I decided then and there that I wouldn't let this happen. I was a divorced father of two young boys, and I'd had my run of the dating scene. In fact, since my divorce 4 years earlier, I had been engaged twice, and I was currently in the process of "dating" 3 other girls at the same time- none of them being anything serious. My sons had both been telling me that they wanted me to get married again, although they had only ever met a couple of the girls that I'd dated. Josh and Jer were my last "test" for possible love interests, and I was very reluctant to let any girl meet them. Anyway, I ended up keeping the check that Steph made out to Old Mill. Even though this is a Federal Offense, I figured the risk was worth some how staying connected to her, even though I'm fairly certain that I never would have called her. I just wanted to have a back-up in case I didn't see her for awhile. Total stalker, I know.

Fortunately I never had to worry about that, because it wasn't very long before Steph showed up at the course again. She looked more amazing than she did the first time I had fallen in love with her, which was weird for me to experience. What was also weird was that this time she came in with a good looking guy around my age. Steph came up to the counter while her male companion, who I was sure was her boyfriend, looked at the merchandise in the back of the pro shop. She wasn't dressed in golf attire, so it was obvious that she wasn't there to play. I got a little excited at the prospect. Even though we were really busy at the time, I made it a point to be the guy to help Steph. She wanted to buy a gift certificate, so I assisted her with that. While my good friend Ryan stood at my side, as I was finishing the transaction, I looked around to make sure that her boyfriend wasn't there. I spotted him at the back of the shop, and immediately asked for her name and told her mine. I then proceeded to ask her if she would like to go grab dinner with me. She said yes and gave me her phone number. When she and her boyfriend (who turned out to be her brother) left the shop, Ryan turned to me and said "what the heck were you thinking, asking a woman for her number while she's there with her boyfriend? Pretty ballsy Jase." The first thing that I told Ryan was, "you see that girl, I'm going to marry her."

About 20 minutes later, and against the advice of everybody in the pro shop, I went into my office and called her number. When the machine answered I left her a semblance of the following message:

"Hey there Steph. This is Jason, the guy that you just met today at the Old Mill pro shop. I know that this goes against dating protocol, but I am really interested in getting to know you better. I wanted to say that it was nice to meet you, and I'd love to make plans to get together as soon as possible."

The rest is history. Steph and I were engaged 12 months later and married on June 2, 2001. There have been so many good times, and we've had our share of rough times. During everything though, and regardless of how it may affect herself, Steph has been nothing but loving and supportive. She loves my two kids as if they were her own. She considers my mom and dad her "other" parents, and each of my siblings as her own. The truth is, I love my wife. She is one of the most genuine people that I have ever known. Thank you Steph, for being such an important part of my life :)

Happy Anniversary!!!

Respecting Your Elders....

2009-05-30T14:40:00.016-06:00

Life is tough. Sometimes it seems like it's never going to end. The constant nausea, the malfunctioning bowels, the barking dogs. These days I feel like I'm just trying my hardest to maintain. The days seem to blend together, and it sometimes seems that time is standing still. When I'm feeling really crappy, a minute seems to last an hour. When I'm feeling good or doing something fun though, the time flies by. So typical. I'm going to need to find something to distract myself with.

With the economy being what it is, and with a lot of people struggling to make ends meet, some people are resorting to drastic measures. A good friend of mine recently told me that he has moved his parents and one of his siblings into his home to help take care of them while they go through difficult times. A few days after he told me this I was talking with a couple other mutual buddies, and the first thing out of their mouths was, "How awful! What were they thinking? Did they even check on retirement homes?" I was totally shocked. At what point did people stop showing their elders the respect that they deserve? Granted, my buddies may not represent the norm in our society, but their response seemed a bit harsh. In their defense, they were mostly worried about what everyone would think of the family and their situation. That's obviously an issue of pride. My feeling is that respect, in general, isn't thought of in the same way these days as it was when I was growing up. In other cultures, respect is something that is taught at as young an age as possible.

In the Orient for example, most cultures revere the elderly. They are looked up to and honored. They are sought after for their wisdom and knowledge. The people figure that the older a person is, the more experience he/she has had- and that is considered valuable information that should be used in making decisions. For instance, in the Philippines the parents raise their children to adulthood. They support them through college and into their chosen professions. The children are motivated to succeed not only to provide for themselves, but also to take care of their parents when they are older. The parents plan on their children graduating from college and getting a good job. When the parents retire they move in with one of their children, where they are supported financially and will live out the rest of their lives. Often times there are 3 or 4 generations living under one roof. If someone in the family "makes it" they are expected to share any excess that they have with the members of their family that are not doing as well. The mere thought of moving your parents and grandparents into your home, to live with you and your family, probably scares most everyone reading this. It's just not a common thing in our culture- but one that I think should be. When we hear that someone we know is having their parents move in with them, our first thought is that the parents must be really sick, or really broke. Personally, I could sit around all day listening to the experiences of my elders. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I use to love hearing my grandparents tell me stories of their lives. I was in awe of the wisdom that they seemed to have. The idea makes perfect sense to me. The parents are rewarded for raising and providing for their children. In our culture however, it seems that the elderly are an afterthought. They are the part of our society that seem to struggle the most. Many of them rely on their Social Security check to survive, and have little or no money saved for their retirement. Shouldn't the people that are most responsible for raising a successful person be rewarded? Rather, there are many people that are currently trying to figure out which nursing home or retirement community is best for their dad or mom. The idea of the parents moving in with the child hasn't even crossed their minds.

From the time that I was old enough to consider my future, I have planned on my mom and/or dad eventually living with me. It's alwasy been something that I thought would be neat. This is the way that I could best thank them and repay them for raising me. Its never been something that I looked forward to with any feelings of dread or disappointment. Instead, its been something that I've always wanted to do. The reasons are many. I want my parents to be around my kids as much as possible. I've always thought of how neat it would be to be able to simply walk down the hall to ask them their opinion on something concerning me. I would cherish the time that I was able to spend with them being in my home. As far as I am concerned, my parents and siblings each played an integral part in any success that I have had, or that I may have. Anything that is mine, is theirs. Parents who have spent the majority of their life raising their children to be successful and productive members of society shouldn't have to worry about whether or not they have enough money saved up for their retirement. They shouldn't have to worry about where they are going to live out the rest of their time on earth. They shouldn't be concerned with who is going to care for them if they become ill. In addition, they shouldn't have to rely on their government. It should be an unwritten rule of our society, something that goes without saying. They are rewarded for the good that they have done, and they should now be taken care of the same way that they took care of their family. The family takes care of each other, plain and simple. Finally, I feel that the elderly should be thought of first, rather than last.

I think that it all starts with respect. Overall, people in our culture don't show others the respect that they deserve. Whether it's our parents and siblings, the elderly, women, the clerk at the grocery store, or our next door neighbor, we need to learn at a young age to show people respect. We should show respect for anyone that is older than we are. Older doesn't always mean wiser, but we should approach people as if it did. It probably has a lot to do with the competitive environment that we are raised in. We rarely root for the other guy. Most kids involved in sports know this. It's the "win at all costs" mentality, and it is rampant in our society, particularly in athletics. Showing respect for the other guy or team isn't a popular approach, and sometimes it isn't even taught. Don't get me wrong here, I have no problem with winning. I have mostly tried to do my best throughout my life, hoping to win, or at least achieve the best results. Whatever the arena, and no matter what the result, the "other guy" always deserves respect if he/she is doing the best that they can. The result of the contest shouldn't even matter. Approach every person as if they have already earned your respect. If at some point they do something disrespectful, then maybe they don't deserve it anymore, but I'm firmly of the belief that respect needs to be earned, until someone shows me otherwise. Once people in any society stop showing respect, the society is doomed for failure. We should start by respecting our parents- take care of them the way that they took care of us. Always show respect to the person that tries to do the best that they can. Carry it over into all aspects of your life. I believe in karma, or "what goes around comes around" and respecting others is essential to good karma.

Just my thoughts :)

And don't worry Dad and Mom....the choice of whether or not you ever move in with me, or vice versa, is yours to make. I'll show you at least that much respect :)

Surviving success & failure

2009-05-29T21:00:00.003-06:00

As much as I hate admitting this, I can honestly say that I am a better person because of the times that I have failed during my life. I'd even go so far as to admit that I've probably learned more from my failures than I have from my success. The truth is, as much as I hate to lose, and as much as I've always feared failure, I have learned so much about myself, about others, and about the world around me, all stemming from what may be considered disappointing. Ever since I started having physical problems, I've had to view things from an entirely different perspective than ever before. In doing this I have been forced into viewing each experience and not making judgment, good or bad. Straight speaking, failure has made me a stronger and wiser man.

I've always felt that competition is actually very healthy, and losing is a part of life. It not only can happen, it will happen, and I don't think that it's something that we should be afraid of. You'll win some, you'll lose some. That's just life. It's designed this way to help us appreciate what we have and to assist in our personal growth. After you have lost what you once had, you tend to appreciate everything more authentically. I'm not saying that failing is something that you have to like, but it is something that you have to accept. If you are living life, you will stumble and fall. Sadly, some people will even crash and burn before they learn their lesson. The key is to learn from your mistakes, and grow from each experience. Try not to judge life's happenings as good or bad. Instead, focus on learning and growing.

A famous quote that I've always loved by Leonardo da Vinci is "As a well-spent day brings happy sleep,so life well-used brings happy death." Maybe even better are the famous words of my brother Blue; "Live, learn, and Love." You don't have to wish for failure so that you have the chance to learn, but accept it when it comes and learn whatever lesson you are supposed to. Live to the fullest that you are capable of, and do it TODAY. Those things that you put off doing because of fear, the things that you've promised to get to "when it's a better time," don't hold back or put it off any longer. Nobody knows what tomorrow holds, and all that we control is what we do NOW. Live the "right" way- and we all know what that means- enjoy the journey that is life, and accept and appreciate whatever karma serves you. If you do this, I guarantee that you will be happy.

So sick, but so happy....

2009-05-27T20:09:00.002-06:00

Considering that I've been mostly staying indoor's lately, it was extra nice to get outside on a beautiful day. The temperature was perfect for me- not too hot, & not cold. I decided that I'd best take advantage and get outside, at least until it starts getting hot. I don't tend to last very long in the heat and dehydrate really easily. Anyway, Steph and I took the dogs up to my parents house and visited with my Mom for awhile, before heading over to my Nephew Isaak's baseball game. Junior and Jesse loved being able to run around the backyard and explore. When we were staying with my parents, one of Junior's favorite things to do was bury the treats that we would give him in different places around the yard. So when we visit his old stomping ground these days he spends the entire time trying to find a previously hidden pigs ear. Jesse of course follows him wherever he goes. It's pretty cute to watch. Fortunately for me, they are now totally worn-out and will hopefully sleep through the night.

Speaking of the night, another usually "cute," but understandably annoying, thing that goes on at the Reynolds house every night- as soon as we lay down in bed Junior will lick my face repeatedly, sometimes lasting as long as an hour. I think that in his mind he is taking care of me. Sadly though, Jesse has picked up on this tradition, and she now swarms in to lick my face herself the second that Junior is finished and laying at my side. Jesse will climb onto my shoulder and "clean" my face until she gets tired, before laying her head down on my chest and falling asleep. It brings a whole new meaning to the idea of "action" in the bedroom :) (I'm referring to pillow fights, of course) Once again, kind of sad for Steph. Every night the ritual will take up to an hour, or at least 2 episodes of "This American Life" on my ipod. Oh the joys of being a dog owner. I just feel fortunate that my grossness doesn't sicken them to the point of sleeping in their kennels. Having anyone want to sleep at your side is a good thing, right?

As for my current health, there's nothing positive to report. I continue to work on finding a routine for my day, with not very much success. Honestly, I feel really sick. Mostly nausea and bowel issues- which I'll spare you the details on in this post. I was just so happy to get out of the house for a bit, I wanted to share my joy :) It honestly doesn't take very much to make me happy, and that is a blessing I've received during the past few years.

A rough start to the week....

2009-05-26T18:00:00.006-06:00

Having spent the better part of the last week in bed (or in the bathroom, of course) I haven't been putting much thought into writing. The days seem so long, and the nausea is never-ending. It feels like my body is producing an unusually large amount of bile. I lie on my back, slightly elevated, and the bile creeps its way up the back of my throat and into my mouth. Most of the time I don't even have to throw it up- I simply spit it into a bottle when my mouth becomes full. The toughest thing about managing this is when I need to take my meds. Most of them I can put into my J-tube, but my main medication has to be taken orally, which is nearly impossible. As soon as I swallow the medication it gets caught up in my throat, where it stays until it is disolved. It's not the funnest process, and I am really reluctant to take the medication at all. So most of the time, I am doing what I can to stay unconscious.

Probably because her ears were starting to hurt her, my wife brought in my laptop this morning and told me to make a post. I'm sure that she was thinking that putting my feelings down might make me feel better. The truth is, right now it hurts to talk. Whatever the reason, I appreciate that Steph is always so concerned with how I am doing, and is much of the time ignoring her own life. Living with me takes a special kind of person- this is something that, after one failed marriage, I know to be true. My personality isn't always easy to handle, much less live with. So to my amazing wife, "thank you."

My current physical issues have got me thinking a lot about the difference between my body and my soul. I have always been of the belief that they are two seperate things, that is, until four years ago, when started experiencing the physical issues that I've had. My issues vary day to day, sometimes minute to minute. One day it will be severe nausea, the next day it's pain....it's sometimes a combination of a few things. On more than one occassion, I've had issues with the amount of testosterone that my body was producing. The fact is, testosterone does the same thing for women that it does for men. It is the chemical responsible for desire. Not desire in the sexual sense, but desire in general. Desire in the sense of wanting for anything- be it food, a better job, more time with your kids, whatever. It is in our ambition to work hard at our job, or to try and improve as a person. Honestly, there have always been some things about my "personality" that I didn't like. The fact that I was ever envious of another person, the times that I would feel anger or jealousy, the list goes on and on....

During the times that my body has been suffering the most, I've felt a certain humility and empathy towards others that I have never felt before. I feel more connected to the earth and every living thing- especially animals. I am drawn to all of God's creation- my current favorite being sunsets. I've also been able to empathize more with friends and family, and when they are suffering, I am suffering too. In general, it seems as though I feel more when I am feeling especially worn-down physically.

It's an interesting thing, and one that makes me consider which "person" I'd rather be- the one that is highly motivated and ambitious, and working to improve both myself and my situation, or would I rather be the one that focuses more on my family and friends, and often cares so much that I disregard my own issues? Which person is the better person? Which life would I rather live?

2009-05-25T21:20:00.000-06:00

"It's impossible to want for anything if you desire nothing."

Just a thought.....

2009-05-24T00:24:00.000-06:00

We just barely walked in the door from a night out watching UFC at a friends house. Seeing as it's almost 1 am, I just wanted to leave a note and say what a fun time I had tonight. Also some news of note- I'm officially going the "Holistic" route in my recovery, or at the very least, I am open to suggestion. I am admittedly a bit of a skeptic, so the power of persuasive thought may not work too well on me, but considering that the Doctor's are through with what they can do for me medically, I figured that it was a good time to give it a try. What's the worst that can happen!?

On more than one occasion its been suggested that I give Acupuncture a try. As a means of combating nerve pain it has a proven track record, so I'm figuring that it may be a good way to go as well. Let's be real- I'm never going to be one of "those guys" that try my hardest to convince everyone of the miracle drug and all its done to improve my life. I'm not expecting to grace the covers of any health or mens magazines either. I'm just an average guy, with some messed up anatomy, a body that's not always to my liking, who's trying to get the best out of my body, as well as my life. Believe me, if I ever find anything that works to improve anything about myself, I will surely pass along my secrets. I'm figuring that being totally open to any outcome will serve me the best on my journey. There's some things that I know a lot about- and others that I know little about. Holistic medicine is one of the latter. I've always thought that it was hokey. But at this point in my life I'm like a sponge that tries to soak-up any positive or helpful information that I can. Anything that may improve my health is worth my attention. Through my recent recovery I've found things that work, and things that don't. Why not give this a shot.

We'll see how hammered my body feels tomorrow :)

2009-05-23T16:49:00.000-06:00

"Show me your friends, and I'll tell you who you are."

Emptiness is Godliness....

2009-05-22T18:12:00.004-06:00

Finally! I have turned a corner and I am happy to report that I was able to go to the bathroom...thus emptying my bowel completely and curbing my nausea, at least a little bit. Hooray for being empty! Now I feel as though my time is running out, and I'd better hurry and get done whatever it is that I want to get done. I'm beginning to work out a bit of a routine. Once I am empty I have 2 days before I fill back up again. That's 2 days of feeling good, then 4 days of clearing out again, then 2 days....... That's not too bad- I can get a lot done in 2 days.

My new found joy has got me thinking- it's often the little things in life that make the biggest impact. The lady at the cash register tells you to have a good day. The teenager in the black Mustang with dark tinted windows surprisingly lets you go in front of him. You get a random message from an old friend just to let you know that they were thinking of you. Or, if you're really lucky, you get to spend some quality time outdoors with your family, while the dogs run and play in the grass around you. It really doesn't take much effort to have a positive impact on someone else, and if you are paying attention, it won't take much to put a smile on your face. I have been the beneficiary of this in the last couple of days, and its been exactly what I needed to get out of the "funk" I have been in lately. There are really good people in the world- and that's a very refreshing thing to me.

Right now I'm trying to figure out what to do this weekend- assuming my current health continues. It's really embarrassing to admit, but 2 pm is the earliest that I have dragged myself out of bed since last Sunday. What a joke. Let me also add that I have been going to sleep around 10 pm, so it's not like I'm staying out all night partying and sleeping in all day because of it. I may pull an all-nighter tonight though- we'll see how it goes :)

Ho Hum, Ho Hum.....

2009-05-20T20:19:00.001-06:00

Yep, you guessed it- that means that things around here are pretty much the same. Health-wise I'm feeling the same, activity-wise I'm doing the same....I don't have much else to add. It's just a life spent sleeping, vomiting, and clearing my bowels. It's funny to have listed on my daily "to do's" things like; hydrate, empty bowel, and feed through J-tube. It's definitely an interesting existence :)

My feelings aside today though. I want to mention all the stories that I've heard recently about different trials that people are facing. Whether divorce, disease, or death, a lot of people seem to be suffering. It's really interesting to me how drastically trials both shape and effect lives. One moment things seem to be rolling along, and life is treating you well, and the next thing you know your priorities and cares are completely different and changed forever. After facing different trials throughout my own life, I've noticed that I always seemed to follow a similar pattern. I would keep things simple and know what's important in life, then things would go well, so well that they often seemed to work themselves out, only to begin going badly as soon as I changed what was initially important to me. We rise, we fall, we are humbled, then we rise again. The key is taking what you've learned and applying it to your life when you rise again. I believe that is the main reason that I continue to feel the ill effects that I do- to keep me humbled. I believe that I will "rise" again as soon as I've learned whatever lesson it is I need to learn. The last thing that I want to happen is to personally prosper and then forget what it was that got me there in the first place. In fact, that thought scares me. Keep in mind, I'm not speaking about financial or material prosperity. Those things only serve to assist me along the way. The success that I want can't be measured by a dollar. In my opinion, money allows a person to do the things that they want to do. I want to help people along their journey, and my reward will be measured by the positive influence that I have.

Look around you and be the bright light for those around you that are struggling through darkness. We were never meant to do this alone. We all need help- be that help.
Talk soon :)

2009-05-19T14:37:00.002-06:00

Hey there. Things around here have been rough. I haven't been feeling very good the past few days. The nausea has been brutal. I can't eat or drink anything without immediately throwing it back up-even my meds. What meds do stay down knock me out. So if I'm not at the hospital for an appointment, I'm at home in bed. Most of the time I wish I was unconscious, so writing a post is close to the last thing on my list. Also, I've officially dropped below the 130 mark for the first time in two years. I weigh 129 pounds- that's NOT good. I've got to figure something out pretty quick or I'm going to end up hospitalized. I have no appetite, and it hurts if I run my feeding machine more than 6 hours. Not surprisingly, I have no energy, and I don't want to do anything but sleep.

Enough of that chat though and on to the good stuff :) On Saturday night we got Stephs family and my family together to celebrate Josh's 18th birthday. It was so much fun and the weather was perfect. My mom set up tables in her back yard and everyone ate Barbacoa (Josh's favorite). Being outside made it easier for me to handle my "food issue" so I was able to spend the majority of the night hanging out with everyone. Ashley and Teag drove up from Cedar City to be there-as was Kim, Steve, and their kids, and we had every member of Stephs family. The only people we missed were Scott & Lisa & kids, and Jake and Emily. Even though I was sad that they couldn't have been with us, I had a great night. All of my family members are so understanding and patient with me. They don't mind if I have to run to the bathroom mid-sentence or puke in a plastic baggie. Thank goodness for that :)

I've been feeling really blessed that I have such amazing people in my life. Whenever I feel really sick I appreciate even more all those things that I have. I've been lucky to not only have a close family, but also to have amazingly supportive and caring friends. I truly consider each good friend that I have a part of my family. It's weird- I may not talk to them regularly, or hang out, but I know that they care about me, and I hope that they know that I care about them. I have connected with so many good people over my lifetime. Some relationships have been short and intense, some medium and kind of weak, and some have been long and powerful. Each person though has taught me something-"good" or "bad." From each of them I have learned and experienced a moment in this often crazy life. I tend to get down, emotionally, when I'm not doing well physically, these are the times that my friends and family matter the most. I feel sorry for the people out there that don't have a support system like I do. It literally makes the difference between life and death for me. Knowing that there are people out there that don't have anyone is a disturbing thought. I can't even fathom that life...but it makes me so grateful for my own.

Take some time thinking back on those people in your life that have brought you joy, made you smile, or helped you on your journey. Take a moment to send them a note or email telling them how much you appreciate the thing they did. For me, it's the key to living a content life. We all need to know when we've done something meaningful (that is, if we have). Don't put off letting someone know that they had an impact of your life. A simple "thanks" is all that's needed. If you are living happily, it probably had to do with some help that you received along the way. People helped you out- so thank them.
And the world goes round and round :)
Thank you all!

Happy Birthday Josh!!!!

2009-05-16T15:36:00.000-06:00

Today I celebrate my first borns 18th birthday, and I'm having a hard time with the thought of him being referred to as a "man." Not only does the thought make me feel really old, I'm realizing the effects that being sick the last four years has had on my whole perception of him. It's literally like he grew up without my even recognizing it. One day he and Jer were 14 and 11 years old, and now one of them is graduating high school and is socially "legal." Also, did I mention that it makes me feel kinda old :)

There are no words that can genuinely capture the relationship between a father and his son. Fatherhood is the single greatest gift that a man can have. There's nothing like it. You think of how much you love your own family growing up- and then you have a child- and it's a totally different kind of love, and one that you can understand only when you have held your boy in your arms on the first day of his life. During Josh's 18 years on earth I have experienced every emotion humanly possible- and some that I never even knew existed.

I have been blessed to have my two boys possess the qualities and be the type of people that I once only hoped they would become. I've always had a really special relationship with them both, and I consider myself the luckiest dad on earth for who they are. Josh was born with a genuine love of people. For the first few years of his life his friends were my friends. There were no kids his age around, so he was forced to learn how to deal with adults. I know that this served him well as he grew, and it will continue to be a valuable asset in the future. The things that are truly important in life- family being at the top of that list- are what's most important to Josh. He has always been so good about staying close to his family. During high school, when the weekends are the most important time of the week, he would regularly ask to spend it away from his home and friends, and instead with me or his Grandparents. He truly loves being with family. In addition, Josh has also been such a good brother to Jeremy. They have always been buddies and remain so today. I'm sure that Josh isn't even aware of the impact and influence that he has had on Jer- and visa versa.
When it all came down to it, I believe that each of my boys would choose their family over everything else that distracts us in life. I sincerely feel blessed for every day that I will get to spend with them in the future, and I'm excited to see the men that they will become, and the impact that they will have on the world.

So to my oldest son Josh, Happy Birthday buddy! I'm so proud to be your dad. I can't believe that its been 18 years!!!! I love you Jush :) You're the best.

2009-05-11T18:11:00.000-06:00

"Do or do not....there is no try." Yoda

I love my Mom!!!!!

2009-05-10T16:26:00.004-06:00

First off, to all the Mom's out there, let me sincerely wish you a very Happy Mother's Day! There is nothing like a Mother. They are the most unique people in the world, and are the key to our very existence. I have such a deep appreciation for them that words can't even begin to explain. I want to wish my sweet Mom a Happy Mother's Day. My Mom has always been such an amazing example in my life. She has been there for the best of times in my life, and she's held my hand and comforted me during the worst. I am very aware of the roller coaster that I have put her through during my 38 years. Although she's probably wanted to wring my neck on more than one occasion, she's never stopped loving and caring for me. I know that everyone thinks that their Mom is the best, but I can't imagine another mother better than mine. She is an example of the type of person that everyone should aspire to be. I have NEVER heard a judgemental word come out of her mouth. Seriously. Of all the things that I have learned from her, this is the trait that stands out the most. My mom has a sincere love for every living thing. She truly feels for any person that hurts. She is the most genuine and caring person that I have ever known. Thanks for being you Mom :)

As for everything else....I've been struggling a lot lately. Mostly, I'm just feeling sorry for myself- at least I'm aware of it, I guess- because I feel that I've been missing out on a lot of "life" due to my health issues. It still amazes me how much "living" is done around food. It's such a social thing. Meeting up with friends, nearly every family get together....it's all done around food. That's not a good thing for me these days. So, what it ends up meaning is that I don't get to spend time with the people that I love. Most of the time I go any way, and I'll even break down and eat at times, but it never ends well and always makes me feel worse. My biggest concern though is that I'll gross someone out or ruin their flooring. For reasons that I'm not aware of, I have been feeling especially self-conscious lately. Maybe it's because I smell like vomit. Whatever the case, I'm especially grateful for this blog and the Internet in general- it's often the only thing that makes me feel connected or at all social. Just having something other than my wife to vent through is a huge thing. Honestly, it may be the reason that I'm still married- Steph hasn't had to listen to me nearly as much.

I read a great quote this morning that's helping me keep perspective- I'm always grateful for that- it is;

"Do not spoil what you now have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

Five years ago, I hoped to have the knowledge one day that I do now. In fact, I wasn't sure if I'd ever be at the point that I currently am. I obviously never imagined that I'd ever have to go through the physical trials that I've had to endure during the last few years. The plan that I'd had for my life back then was nothing close to the life that I have now, in almost every way. I was a Professional golfer who loved teaching the game to people of all ages. Women and kids were my favorite- no offense guys. I think that it had something to do with ego not getting in the way of learning. Overall, women and kids are more open to suggestion than many of the men that I taught. Anyway, before the mistake Steph and I decided that I should give the playing thing a try. The plan was to spend the next 2 years working on my golf game full-time. I had hopes of being able to play the game for a living and was at a point in my life where I was fully committed to achieving my goals. I was planning a new career path, and hoping to head down a prosperous road. There was just this small matter of getting minor surgery for an acid reflux problem that I'd always had, and then I would be physically fit to follow my dream. Then my life script was forced to be re-written. The concerns that I had, the priorities, everything changed. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with the life that I now have and the person that I think I've become. I'd give up my physical body again to know what I know. As much as I'd love to have the body that I once had, who doesn't though, I'd never want to lose the many other things that have come into my life since. What I'm saying is, I'm grateful to be alive and aware, and I know, it can always be worse. I will always be the luckiest person that I know. It would be nice to be able to do more than I am currently able to do, but I'm genuinely happy for life and all that I've been able to experience. I just need to learn how to best live with my current health. I'm afraid that it's always going to be something that I struggle with, but I'm happy to get the opportunity to do so. Really. I wish that everyone could be as fortunate as I am. I have the best wife, the best boys, the most loving and supportive parents and siblings, the greatest extended family, and the most loyal friends. What more could a person want? I love my life, and believe me when I say, life is truly good :)

Warning: Eat before you read this......

2009-05-08T17:52:00.000-06:00

I am feeling really grouchy. The last few days have been really tough. Brutal in many ways. I had to drink 2 bottles of barium for the CT scan last Tuesday. The barium is supposed to make your bowels explode- at least that's what my doctors thought. Instead, it has acted like concrete. Not to get too graphic here, but when you add a concrete like substance to a bowel full of already hardened stool, it makes a difficult situation even worse. The combination of this, with the nausea that I generally feel, has been tough to bear. During these times, I honestly wish that I were totally unconscious. That way I wouldn't have to feel the way that I do. I feel SO sick. The fact that I went 7 days without a bowel movement is probably why. I have no appetite, and feel really tired.

Back to my bowel. By using enemas I've managed to clear out the bottom portion of my bowel, but I can still feel the upper portion compacted. I've tried everything you can think of to loosen it up, but it's literally a solid piece, what feels like the size of a softball. Because my organs aren't working properly, they're not pushing things along, so the softball sized stool has been stuck in the same position for over a week. It also makes my abdomen crampy and tender. To top it off, because I've been using so many things to assist in me having a bowel movement, whenever I stand up, glycerine and liquid runs down my leg. I should be in a diaper. Obviously, I don't want to get off of my back, and I'm totally self conscious about smelling bad or being gross. I'm feeling really gross. Eating or drinking, even when taking my meds, is something I have no desire to do. Taking a sip of water makes my lower back hurt so badly because it has no where to go. Hooking up to my feeding tube causes the same problem. I feel like locking myself in a room and avoiding everyone so that I don't gross anyone out, at least until I can get over this current issue. Right now, I'm just happy that I'm not having to feel like this in the hospital- at least I'm at home.

Most of my complaints are all to do with physical issues. When I get feeling like I do, it tends to carry over to my mood, and I have to be really conscious of separating the two: my physical body and my soul. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not my body- that is, my physical body is just a vehicle that "I" use to get around. Does that make any sense? It sure sounds weird to me- I sometimes have a hard time finding the words to describe my feelings.

Anyway, "I" am doing really good. I'm still reflecting on the time that I spent back East with my family, and that's been getting me through with a smile on my face. I'm aware that I'm probably not much fun to be around, and it will most likely be that way until I'm "empty." Til then, I'll try and be better about posting.